The Queen Kills Jack & The King

Hello.

First off, with structure, be careful. There's a slanted rhyme from stanza 1 line 4 and stanza 2 line 2, which made me look for a threading rhyme that didn't materialize. Because of this, I was thrown out of the poem pretty quickly and struggled to get back in because I kept looking for rhyme. There's also an internal line in stanza 1, line 1 (grace/awaits), that that's not continued for any other line.

Structured poetry needs meticulous attention to how it is structured, and the rhyme scheme needs to be exact. Without this, people can get to expect something that doesn't exist. With how this poem is right now, I was expecting something much more rhyme heavy than currently exists. It made the poem difficult to read, because I was so focused on the structure.

Plus, the grammar in here could use some polishing. Things feel very unnatural, and there is the typo of "its" instead of "it's". If there was a purpose for using the possessive, I could not identify it; I'd suggest looking at this again to see if that intent could be cleared up.

All in all, this is just lacking for me. The structure glares at me, making the content difficult to read. Then the content doesn't give me any clear picture, with odd line breaks that break up flow instead of add to it. The whole piece ends up feeling forced, which isn't a good feel for a poem. I like the concepts here and it could be really cool, but with the packaging I just can't resonate with it.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

I've always been dense at understanding poetry; this is no exception. That being said, I'll skip the part where I try to decipher the message, out of fear I'll miss the point by miles.

The title is intriguing, as it takes three playing cards and personifies them. It is simple and on point and lays out the idea of the poem. I liked how it rhymes.

The very first line flows and rhymes effortlessly - this is a recurring thing in this and other works of yours. I notice a pattern of memorable lines, of timeless quotes. One can easily substitute Jack with one's name and voila: you have the story of a life. You go about your life, not knowing what destiny has in store for you. I failed to understand the other three lines of the first stanza, however.

The second stanza starts just as strong as the first one; with a few flirting gestures, the game is afoot. An easy game, apparently. I do not understand why his soul is a grotesque golden crown, or why is the Cadillac corrupted, but we will discard that to my dense mind for poetry.

The third and fourth stanzas continue the game; more memorable lines that can be interpreted in different ways. 'Aces, twos, fives, and sixes. How did I end up with these? Does it matter' - I see the small numbers as bad experiences coming our way throughout life. 'She purrs with her serpent tongue' - this was just great: a queen, a cat, a snake. A seductive woman.

As I've noticed a pattern of memorable lines in your works, I have also noticed that you tend to rely heavily on adjectives and adverbs. It feels heavy to me, it always does. It might be a matter of taste and preference, but I feel that one adjective - the right one - will get the point across, while adverbs should be used in an artistic works only when strictly necessary.

As for this poem, there is definitely a better one lurking just under its surface. A more clear one, devoid of all the unnecessary adverbs and adjectives. I don't consider myself an avid poetry consumer, but I feel that this one would benefit from a rewrite.

Hey RadiantShadow is your friends AshleyDashley and I wanted to say I LOVE your poem! It's amazing!