Second Poem from the Forgotten Soul Series
Change in POV
Flames licked at my skin
Pain nipped at my senses
I fell, corrupted, abandoned
Banished from my kin.
~
My immortality is fading
My wings are disintegrating
Burning, morphing to ashes
leaving behind pale flashes.
~
So I cling to the mortal that begs
With her eyes, for death, maybe
her survival, takes me back home
and take away the use of these legs.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Heya, Radiant Shadow! Casanova here to do a review for you!
I'll be taking this piece by piece, so I hope you don't mind.
Whoa. I really love the images in these lines. They're powerful, and you're not telling us what we're supposed to feel. You're showing us, and that really is a change from how you were doing it in previous poems of yours. The only nitpick I have is the rhyming of the first line and the last line, but in this stanza I don't see it harming anything.
I love the imagery in this one, and I love how the rhyme does switch. You're getting into something that's unstable, why shouldn't the rhyme be unstable as well? Props for that. Also, when I read these lines I thought of a phoenix. I like that.
Here your lines don't feel as strong as the previous lines. The rhyming here goes back to the original rhyme scheme, and I felt like that was kinda off.
Anyway, that's all I have to say about this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Matt
Hi, RadiantShadow! I'm glad that the second part is out! I really enjoyed reading this one. The rhyming in the poem was really great, and it had some very good imagery without making anything sound forced or out of place. The first stanza was really powerful and it drew me into the poem sort of like rising tension getting higher with each stanza. Nothing really stood out to me as something big that needed to be changed, but I do have a some small nitpicks over a few things, if you don't mind.
In each stanza there seemed to be a different capitalization format. I didn't quite see a pattern between them, bet maybe you could consider making the first letters all capitals or maybe just the first line of the stanza capitalized.
Here to keep the flow moving, I think that the second line would read more easily without the extra word, are. Then it would read, My immortality is fading
My wings disintegrating
Burning, morphing to ashes
leaving behind pale flashes
That's all I have for this poem. It was really well done, and I had to dig to find anything to improve on. Tell me when you get part three out, because I'll be sure to read it!
Thanks so much for reviewing! Yes you are right it does sound better without the are, I will change it and I will arrange the capitalization too. Thanks again,
Hey, Rad. Here's a review from me for your awesome poetry.
WOW! It was an amazing poem. I really loved it, although I couldn't really get to the point of the poem. As a result, I couldn't either get whether the title was really working with the poem or not. :/ Most probably,it's just my dull head causing this.
In this poem, you have used beautiful metaphors which I really, really loved. But, I couldn't really get the hidden meaning of those metaphors. There was an overdose of the metaphors, that's what I thought. So, I think, you should try a bit more to make the meaning clearer.
Read the whole poem again and try to think if you get the meaning or not. But, you should try to read it in a way as if you were not reading your poem, as if it were written by someone else and you were to review or criticize it. I always try to do that and it really helps.
If by doing so, you get the meaning that you wanted to convey here, then you have succeeded to write a very good poem. But, if you don't get it, then you have to edit the poem.
Actually, I have nothing to nitpick about the words that you have used and the lines that you have written. They all are just so beautiful. *can't take my eyes off of them* and I just feel to read them over and over again. Truly.
However, I had this feeling that the stanzas were not so connecting to each other. As if there were something missing. I thought that the poem needed some more explanation or description of just simply some more lines.
Especially, the 2nd stanza. Right after the first stanza, it felt a bit off to me. Like, there had to be something more before you could start the 2nd stanza. But I could relate the 3rd stanza to the 2nd one. So, it didn't really seem like any problem.
Overall, that was an amazing poem. Only it needed some more explanation to the metaphors.
I think, you have done a great job there! Keep it on. I am damn sure you are gonna do great.
Thanks for the review
Actually this poem is connected to another one... in the first one there was a girl that is being abused and feels as if death is her only answer but she keeps preying to a picture of an angel to save her... in this one its in the angels POV he has been banished from heaven and the title of this poem refers to the abused girls eyes... i know its confusing but remember these r poems and im trying to make them into a whole story. Thanks for reading and reviewing 