Engraved on the wall are the hidden messages
That lead to the ever entwined secrets of the heart.
Written in invisible ink only seen to he who is diligent
And vigilant, for he is a not swayed by the curse of ambivalence.
.
No torch is needed for the tortured traveler to gaze
Into the departing depths of the decayed dead.
As the fire within rages and tolls in the mind of the addicted
Restricted spirits that spiral along the gates of the vindictive.
.
Drove mad by the echoes of doubts as they linger
Until they vanish thinly into the unconscious.
Their presence find their way in dreams and leave insidious
fastidious seeds that grow into weeds ever so hideous.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
hi. this is kman134. i'm here to review.
First of all, i love this poem. As a fan of the macabre and the horror, i could say this was a great piece. some of it reminded me of H. P. Lovecraft's poems.
"Engraved on the wall are the hidden messages
That lead to the ever entwined secrets of the heart.
Written in invisible ink only seen to he who is diligent
And vigilant, for he is a not swayed by the curse of ambivalence."
The imagery is typical for every horror story. A kafkaesque setting where the only way to escape from the mad house maze is by reading the messages on the walls. however, because they're in invisible ink, you must be diligent.
"Drove mad by the echoes of doubts as they linger
Until they vanish thinly into the unconscious.
Their presence find their way in dreams and leave insidious
fastidious seeds that grow into weeds ever so hideous. "
this passage was very eldritch and is like a homage of Lovecraftian horror, but without the hideous monsters to cause insanity.
this was pretty good. i hope you write more.
Hey RadiantShadow,
First Impressions: I thought that this was a very original piece that reflects a solid rhyming scheme, but doesn't get restricted by the need to make syllables click together. The topic and feel is not necessarily anything spectacular or overly interesting, in my opinion, but it's rich with meaning.
Positives:
I love that you've pulled together a unique and personal style. Something like this is rare because people are afraid to branch away from the norm, fearing that they'll mess up. While it's not quite perfect, (represented in the first stanza where you've used "diligent" and right after, in order to make it rhyme, coupled "vigilant" in there as well. Feels a little tacky, and not all the way matured,) you've definitely stepped out of the box, and it works.
Your language is simple and easy to read, but you've chosen to throw some not so common words, such as "ambivalence" in there that keep it from becoming childish or numbed down. Essentially it's elevating a rather normal poem to the next level, and above most of the competition.
To me, this line is the one that really makes your piece, and builds the power punch at the end, and thank goodness it's at the end. The first two stanzas lack a bit in the "teaching" area, but this one wraps it up in a nice package and helps me to pull something from what I've just read, mostly because it's a parable in its own right, and it's the conclusion of your poem.
Negatives:
This might just be me, but I didn't enjoy that you have "tortured" in the title, then wrote it here again and preceded it with the word "torch," it just drains on my mind and I feel like I'm repeating myself when I read it. I usually try to stay away from including much of my title into the actual piece itself, and I almost never repeat the same sound combinations close together, especially not one after the other.
Minor spelling error, but it should be "they."
The only other thing is that I would like to see it with a bit more of a punch in the first stanza itself. It's not until the end of the last line that you finally throw some flare in there, but the first three seem pretty normal, which is not bad, but it's not the best either. Perhaps thinking about how you can give it more maturity.
Overall: Quite enjoyed it, and thought that you've done a great job here at creating a worthwhile piece of art. Keep it up!
I give it:
Oh, and Merry Christmas!
Thank you so much for your review! Merry Christmas to u too!