Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
This will be the first poem from a collection of poems which together make up a whole story.
Curled up in a corner, forgotten,
The cold seeps into her core
As streams of silent tears fall
Over her bust lip, sore.
~
Shivers wreck her body
As blood dripped down on her neck
Forming intricate designs
Like a brand for those who check.
~
When loneliness destroyed her
Misery draped over her shoulder
It Covered the last sliver of hope
Like a blanket that kept her in order
~
She prayed and begged to the man
Reflected in the mirror, stuck
In a painting, with constant pain
As he shed his wings devoid of luck.
~RadiantShadow
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Heya, Radiant Shadow! Casanova here to do a review!
Anyway, I'll be taking this piece by piece so I hope you don't mind.
The first line seemed off to me. I know you're trying to make this seem sad, and I would suggest using forgotten to describe the corner and not the girl. To give it more of a wide sad feeling. The corners bigger, so I could see it that way.
I feel like,"sore," in the last line is strictly for rhyming purposes, and I would suggest just scratching that word out. It wouldn't make the poem worse, and you wouldn't have an obvious forced rhyme to deal with.
I really like these lines, despite the rhyming in them. They really show pain and gore, and I think that was your intention. You made me feel something without telling me what to feel. That's the way to do it.
The rhyme scheme switches in this, and it's prominent. Now the first verse is rhyming, and I didn't enjoy the switch. I do like the imagery in these lines, though, so props for that.
I feel like,"struck," is only in the third line to make it rhyme, and I wouldn't suggest that. I still like the imagery, and it's strong.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one, and I hope I helped even a little.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Matt
This is really cool. It's cool and creepy and I love things like this. It's just dark and dank and it gives me shivers. This to me is like a dark version of a fairytale and I love that. and the word choice is amazing! These are the types of things that I love. It's dark, mysterious, just plain out cool! This has to be one of my favorite things that I have read in my lifetime.
Wow thanks you! haha I'm glad you liked my work, I am going to upload the next poem in the series soon its going to be dark as well
I hope you will enjoy it
Hi RadiantShadow, acm here for a review! I really enjoyed reading this poem, and I've always really liked poems that had a bit of rhyming. I really liked the language too. Sometimes rhymes can make a poem sound too simple, but this was still really complex and had very good words. There were just a few things I was wondering.
Maybe this is just me not understanding poetry, but I didn't quite understand the blanket keeping someone in order, even metaphorically. Maybe it could be explained or referenced in another stanza.
I felt like these last few lines didn't fit in with the flow of the poem as well. The first one is four syllables, while the next one is eight, and the third is eleven, and the last is nine. I suggest maybe shortening some or lengthening others so it's easier to read.
That's all I could find, and I really liked reading this poem. I look forward to seeing the next in the series.
Wow thanks so much for the review! Well honestly for the blanket part i was referring to the misery that let her still have hope instead of just going numb so that kept her in order. And yes the last stanza I need to rearrange thanks so much for explaining it so well!
Hi there!
I really like the words you use in this poem. I also really like how you turned it into a story.
In some places the words flow together really nicely, but in others, they don't seem to go together so well. Sometimes it's the amount of syllables, and sometimes it's the words you use. Maybe you could just go through and read it out loud to yourself and tweak some of the words for correct syllables, or just add some words to even it out.
I think the way this is written is absolutely beautiful, and I honestly have never even thought of turning my poems into a story, so I find that very impressive in itself.
Good luck!
Hi thanks so much for the review! You are right I have read it out loud and I can see there are some places that ruin the rhythm. I'll change it later on today. Thanks again so much