The still ground trembles, moans and groans
Until all the humans die.
It is time to pay the lonely loans,
Only then the angels weep and sigh.
~
They are not laughing tonight
As they carry the bloody knife.
Let all their souls take flight,
Rid them of this terrible strife.
~
There is an army of them
Yet they don't come out.
They silently emerge from the stem,
Not uttering a single shout.
~
They stifled the breath from the seed
Now the earth and God's hands take heed.
Rid the vermin with the sermon.
Touch their head with grease
And we can all get our peace.
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139,389 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Heya, Radiant Shadow! Casanova here to do a review! I'll be taking this piece by piece, so I hope you don't mind.
I hate the every other line rhyme you have going on here, and it seems that's the only purpose for the third line. I would suggest cutting it entirely, because I don't think it really adds anything at all to the poem. This is a bit of a step back from your previous poem I reviewed, the rhyming constricting it to it's lowest potential.
Angels are a symbol of purity and good, so are you saying that these are the angels? And if not, then what/who is holding the knife, who is not laughing? I would love for this to be answered, or replace,"They," with the correct person/thing that is doing it. The imagery is a bit better here, though, so props for that.
Again with the vagueness and the rhyming. I feel like both are constricting this poem.
Besides the vagueness I rather like this line, especially the ending two(except for the grease part, I didn't particular enjoy that because it's just for the forced rhhyme), but they have good meaning. The one thing I don't like is your switching of rhyme scheme here. Keep the rhyme consistent if you're going to use it.
That's all I have to say on this one, I hope it helped at least a bit. Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Matt
Well... I'm impressed!! Your poem is a good one but it doesn't illustrate much. I cannot really grasp what it is about.But tell you what, keep on trying hard,you know, maybe next time you will be great. Oh! Your rhyming isn't apparently forced so good job there... Good luck in your future attempts at poem-ing.
Hi,
I thought this was really good. I liked your flow and didn't see anything grammatically wrong with it. I really enjoyed the last stanza and liked what you did especially with your rhyme scheme. Overall, you did a really good job on this
Thanks so much
hey radiant! Rashi here to review your awesome work!
*claps* awesome thinking!
and is it coincidence, that today i've came across lot of such works? are these works trying to tell me something?but anyways back to your reviewing...
i would say, there aint much i can find to criticize about your work...so this review is gonna be short---most of my reviewing part mainly consists of correcting grammatical mistakes, but since i couldnt find any error regarding that area, i wont say much...
your poem's tittle itself was quite catchy, i would say well done about that!
well basically, i really liked your work...i would say it straight without wasting much time here...good job! keep it up!
~phangirl
Thank you so much