I gaze into the mirror and all I see is shame
As I look into my eyes that emanate fear,
Always and forever my living is to blame,
It has never been more clear.
My skin is ashen and pale grey
Because I am here wasting way,
My one and only chance is to slay
All the demons from my play.
What can be done to replace it?
What can be done to terminate the ill
contagious suffering that is my sin?
I am nothing but hate
I am nothing but a tainted slate.
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Heya, Radiant shadow! Casanova here to review!
Now, I"ll be breaking this up in a couple of sections and reviewing it like I have been, and I hope you don't mind that. First, though, overall.
Overall the rhyme here was weak and added no purpose nor anything good to the poem. I would suggest to scrap it. Beyond that it was a decent poem, and you brought your imagery and emotions out to play. I'll give you props for that. Anyway, onward.
I really like the last two lines here, even with the rhyming here. I felt like you were building up, and this would have been the perfect place to break for a different stanza, so props for that. The rhyme in this, however, wasn't that good and was so,"WOW IN MY FACE," that it was too noticeable to not mention a few tines.
Again, the ending two lines here are your best, and I feel like they summarize the entire poem. Good job there, I really do appreciate those two lines. Again, get rid of the rhyme. You break the rhyme with ill, so if you must use it please keep it consistent.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one. I hope this has helped, even a bit.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Matt
This is a very nice poem it provokes emotion and is very nice to read.
I liked the idea that you have portrayed in this poem, Also Because I am here wasting way, with that last part I personally would've put away but I don't know much about poetry.
Other then that it was a very nice poem and I would love to see more from you.
Good luck on future posts.
~~~signed Taylor
ok you got the rhyming down hear and i really like it.it sorta did confuse me when you put play in there it was sorta of a rusty transition. i think you trying to talk about your life there but i wasnt sure. it threw me of abit. but it still is really good and i like it so thank for the entertainment.keep up the work.write some more.and hopefully i will see u again.
hey thanks for the review. Honestly this is just open for interpretation i didn't put much thought into it.
Hi,
This is a mature poem. I enjoy the imagery "I look into my eyes", that's very neat, and adds an interesting dimension to the idea of staring at yourself, at beholding your own actions, sins, etc. However, I think your usage of rhetorical question is lame. It's difficult for rhetorical question, especially two of them, to serve a real use in a short poem. Also, there seems to be a disconnect between the questions and the last two lines. I am not sure if that was intended. Also, usage of words like "because" and phrases like "that emanate fear" are a bit too descriptive as to what you are /literally/ talking about. The word "because" is too suggestive of strict causality (that is, your skin is ashen an pale grey /because/ you are wasting away). The phrase "my skin is ashen and grey because I here wasting away" belongs more in analytical work or prose and not really in poetry. Keep in mind that you are trying to be figurative in your poem; your eyes are fearful, because they emanate fear, but don't explicitly say "my eyes that emanate fear". You could be more creative in transcribing this into a more figurative and ambiguous phrase (ambiguity is good).
Lemons