How naive I was

Heya, Radiant shadow! Casanova here to do another review!

Overall I think that this is kind of lacking. You're doing the listing thing and giving us what we're supposed to feel, and what you are, but you're not making us really feel anything. It really does seem like this was just for stanza purposes, but I felt like you could do a bit better in your portrayal of it. I like how you didn't have rhyme in this, however, and I think you should keep that up. It's really refreshing compared to previous poems of yours, and I enjoyed reading this.
Overall, as well, I could sense you put emotion into this, but I don't think you knew how to prtray it accurately, Imagery helps with that, and I think you could do well with it.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped. Sorry for the short review.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Your friend, Matt

Hi.

First off, on the second line of the second stanza you put "will" when it should probably be "would".

Second off, I like the way this poem is structured but seeing as it is in a narrative format (to a degree) I think you need a buffer between the first and second stanza. What happened to make him throw stones at the character in the first place? Also, although this is more of a personal taste thing, I don't think saying "How naive I was..." at the beginning of each stanza is doing your poem any favors. I feel like it gets repetitive. Again, that's just my taste so you can probably ignore this part. This poem also needs a consistent perspective. On some stanzas you stick with the first person like on the third stanza while on others you switch from first to third. I was never good at tense myself so maybe I'm just spouting nonsense. Finally, the very last line of the poem feels like you were just looking for something to rhyme with "by". This makes the last stanza feel slightly rushed.

Otherwise, this poem has really good flow and the formatting is excellent. I like the narrative format and I think the portrayal of the main character is quite complex despite how short the poem is.

Keep writing.

ohh... couldnt catch at last though.... still good work

Heyo. Good poem! This isn't the longest review ever, but I thought that the poem had a real strong build and arc. The poem is both conclusive and climatic. I felt as thought the use of the sentence 'How naive I was' wasn't really nessecary in every stanza and became a bit overused. The last stanza was still very strong and moving, however I feel as though it would have had more of an emotional impact had the phrase been used a bit less. There were a few spelling and grammatical errors, but I could still understand everything that was going on. I thought that the ending line was very beautiful. For me, it's the real golden apple of the piece. Congratulations on the good work. Keep it up!

Hi, RadiantShadow, acm here to review your poem!
This piece was really meaningful, and I didn't really see the theme until I read the last stanza. The ending lines were really powerful, and they really added a sense of finality to the poem. I felt like the knife was a metaphor for a breakup or him saying that he never really loved her. Then she goes on to be a ghost or a shadow of a person, just waiting for him to say something to her.
That was just my interpretation, though. The only thing I would fix is the first stanza.

How naive I was as I blushed in glee
When I received his little notes and flowers.
Who do they belong to they all asked.
I don't know I reply with stars in my eyes.

Wow Shadow, I never realized realized just how depressing your poems are... All the same, this'll definitely be me if I don't learn to not trust people... KEEP IT UP SHADOW!!!!! XD

Hey there, RadiantShadow!

I get sort of a crumbling feeling from this piece! A feeling of disappointment and hopelessness too!

So, I see some repetiton, yay! And some rhyming at the end! Ooh-la-la!

Some suggestions:
-Maybe spruce up the words a little bit? Dance with them! Show us what is happening, don't tell us.
-The poetic line! Maybe some poem structure? Instead of having words in lines at random, put them in a way that will make the poem flow and even in a way so you don't have to use punctuation, so the reader knows where to pause and stuff!
-Similes, metaphors, oxymorons! The whole lot! Figures of speech are like the salt and pepper and accent and cayenne pepper and ... just a lot of spices a poem can really use so it won't be bland. Set our mouths on fire!

My wittle rating for this: 2.5/5

Hey Wunderbar!

This is an interesting piece, as you've written in the piece using proper English (Old English). This language is always good for poetry as deeper meanings and expressions come along with it.

Content wise, it's clear that you discuss the way our world works, thus the significance of the title. You've used tools like literary devices to show the way the world works.

Grammar and Spelling is doing good justice in this work. You've ensured that readers grasp your content much easier with proper grammar and spelling.

Structure wise, you have two stanzas. I feel You could have three stanzas instead of one stanza and a short concluding stanza.

It's quite coherent as you talk about your attempts to control the world, but eventually the world has its own way of working things.

Literary devices such as adjectives, metaphors, and personification could be identified.


My personal rating for this work is 3.9/5


Keep up the good work

Aeyo, Chilow for the review, here we go

I'll preface this review with the simple statement that anything I point out here will be nitpicky, because you've done such a good job already on this poem. Now, onwards to minute details!

I'll start with a reinforcement of what MemoryHunter said about the first stanza; I think that it migh flow better if ["I don't know," I reply with stars in my eyes] or just some other way to separate the speech with the narration.

Outside of that, I think the rest of your poem can just stay as is. If it's not broken, don't fix it, right? Keep up the great writing and know that I'll be reading! Cheers

This gives me that weird tummy feeling, like, I just murdered someone's child and I brought the head of that child to the parent's door and left it there, but I just woke up and don't remember what happened the night before because I was as drunk as my father when he concieved me.

Hey there, it's Memory the MemoryHunter here~

Often times in poetry, punctuation is not regarded because it depends on one poet to another. However, I just would like to improve the punctuation. You don't really have to change it, but if I were to write this poem, this is how it would look like.

How naive I was as I blushed in glee
When I received his little notes and flowers.
Who do they belong to they all asked.
(")I don't know(,")I reply with stars in my eyes.

> I reply should be I replied, because of consistency. The other verbs were in past tense, therefore 'reply' should also be in past tense. It's up to you if you'll change this.

How naive I was as I believed that he
will no longer throw stones at my window.
I was even disappointed when I read
that he will no longer be there(.)

> I'd put more detail into the 'I was even disappointed'. How, what made you think that you were disappointed? Describe yourself at that time even more than disappointed.

How naive I was when I heard
the rustle coming from the bathroom.
I kept looking at the screen waiting for
my friend to reply but he never did.

>I don't understand the last part. Is the friend you were referring to, the one who threw stones at your window? Maybe I'm just a slow reader, but I think that you need to clarify this stanza further.

How naive I was when he came at me
with a knife. I didn't scream, nor cry(; or .)
I just waited for his mission to go by ( - )
He ran away in the end and I still haven't got my reply.

>This last stanza was a little bit humorous. Forgive me if I found the last line funny, but I snorted while reading it. Although, you can shorten it so that the emphasis would be on "I still haven't got my reply". Like this:

How naive I was when he came at me
with a knife. I didn't scream, nor cry.
He ran away in the end,
and I still haven't got my reply.

Although that is just my preference and the last stanza is perfectly fine.

Plus, I'm not sure if it's "How naive I was", and not "How naive was I". It might just be because I have terrible grammar, but I prefer to read "How naive was I". I'll look up on that.

II. Non-technical stuff
Okay, all in all, I was confused a little bit. First off, we have an admirer here in the beginning stanza, and then he disappears in the second. In the third, we see some suspense, and in the fourth our narrator dies at the hand of the 'admirer' (?).

My question is: why?

All in all, this poem was a bit funny in the end, though it was confusing in the middle part. I would want to see more of your works though, since your writing style sort of reminds me of my early stage in writing. Don't be afraid to tell me if you have another work up, 'cause I want to check it out!

Happy writing~

Wow! First i have to say, great job! This is an amazing poem that feels like someone speaking. I like that quality, instead of it being something like redundant rhyming. I also like your repetition of "How naive I was..." this stresses the point that you were very naive. Also, I like that you didn't just say in the first paragraph, "I don't know i replied very excited and love struck." I'm glad you put "with stars in my eyes" to make the scene more vivid in the readers mind. I love the end of your poem. Instead of saying, "He ran away from the crime and now I'm dead." You said that you never got the reply to the letter you sent, meaning your days were over. This was an amazing poem with lots of details! I would try to explain more about him. Have you known him forever or did he just pop up out of the blue? That would really help the reader know more about this guy. It would also be nice to know a little more about you, meaning the character. What did you do when you realized he would stop coming? Did you cry? Or did you shrug ad think he would turn up? Knowing the characters a little bit more would have more connections with the reader. I'm probably just being picky. Your poem was amazing and I can't wait to see more of your writing in the future. Keep writing!