Burning Eyes

Heya, Radiant Shadow! Casanova here with another review! This one will be short.

I really like the fact you're breaking away from rhyming in this one. I appreciated it more than I did your others and felt like it was a bit better for it. No rhyme and set meter is a good thing, and I think you executed this a bit well.

The first thing, though, is the lack of imagery. You've gotten rid of rhyme,, now you jjust need to work on your imagery. I feel like you could convey it a bit better with adding it in, but it's up to you as the author. Piece by piece now.

Encased by light brown,

Immersed in jade green,

Flecked with brilliant gold,

Rising from core black.

They are imprinted

In my memory.

As they stare at me,

All through the dark night.

It hurts, love, so much,

It fuels my heart

And keeps my soul warm.

They protect me, love

The passion behind

Your clear burning eyes

Good that you had mentioned, that the length of the stanzas and the rhyme is intentional, if no, I was going to complain more, but at least, I do not need to now.
Anyways, hello, even if I see you got enough help and reviews for this work of your, I will try to point out what I like and what I dislike about this work.

First of all, I like that you had started this work with colours. The whole idea that is connected with the colours is something I like. I have nothing bad to say about the first spanza, if we do not count that the capitalization went wrong there.

At the start, I did not understand the meaning of this work as whole.I have several ideas, which can be right, but I still do not know. I think the main idea is not said clearly.

My favourite part is really the last spanza. Because of the 'burning eyes' maybe? Anyways, I like your work and I think you had started it very well, even if it start to get boring at some point.

In the end maybe I need someone to explain me the main idea of this poetry.

hey girl! phangirl here for a quick review!

I'm so glad that you updated a work, ahem *looks innocently* why do i get a feeling of dejavu saying this??? but uhh anyway... I'm really happy that you took me up for my request and updated so quick *smirks* but seriosly thank you for updating!

anyway back to reviewing...
i really like that you did a free-verse poem here! the first stanza, the thing you did with colours there...its really remarkable! i dont know why but now-a-days, i have started loving any reference made with colours... i really like it!

and not to mention the burning emotion you have put behind your words here... seriously its on fire...
(i dont know why but this poem reminded me of... Ellena and Damon from The Vampire Diares. )

anyway glad i got to read your work...

your bestie (the one and only)
Rashi~

Hey, love! How are you? I am doing great, actually..just starting to get busier with classes.

Let me tell you something and I believe that it will make you really very happy.

Ahem...This is my 100th review and it's on your poem!! I am so glad.. It's really a beautiful coincidence.

Now, the review part-

The biggest problem that I felt here is that- I couldn't get the real message of the poem. And, for this, I couldn't actually figure out if the title is really working for the poem or not. I think, love, you should try to clear the concepts a bit more. You have used a lot of metaphors here, and, they kind of gave me several different ideas on what the poem might be about. But, I couldn't concentrate on only one... :/

I agree with Rydia about the first four lines. They are beautiful as separate lines and the adjectives you used with the colors were beautiful,too. But, like Rydia, I also thought that they kind of made the stanza repeating and a bit of change would really work better.

And, the last stanza's lines seemed to be contradicting each other. You are talking about "being hurt" at first, and then you are talking about "soul warm "- maybe instead of "And", you could have used "still" to clear the contradiction.

That's all from me now. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to get my 100th review!! :*

Hey, love! How are you? I am doing great, actually..just starting to get busier with classes.

Let me tell you something and I believe that it will make you really very happy.

Ahem...This is my 100th review and it's on your poem!! I am so glad.. It's really a beautiful coincidence.

Now, the review part-

The biggest problem that I felt here is that- I couldn't get the real message of the poem. And, for this, I couldn't actually figure out if the title is really working for the poem or not. I think, love, you should try to clear the concepts a bit more. You have used a lot of metaphors here, and, they kind of gave me several different ideas on what the poem might be about. But, I couldn't concentrate on only one... :/

I agree with Rydia about the first four lines. They are beautiful as separate lines and the adjectives you used with the colors were beautiful,too. But, like Rydia, I also thought that they kind of made the stanza repeating and a bit of change would really work better.

And, the last stanza's lines seemed to be contradicting each other. You are talking about "being hurt" at first, and then you are talking about "soul warm "- maybe instead of "And", you could have used "still" to clear the contradiction.

That's all from me now. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to get my 100th review!! :*

Hello! So I'm meant to be writing a poem at the moment but I'm not feeling too inspired so I figured I'd put that energy into reviewing one instead.

Specifics

1. The first four lines build a nice image but because the structure is the same for all of them, the poem starts to feel a bit flat. I think it's good for the first two but the third repetition of 'verb preposition adjective noun' is too much. I think if you broke the structure for the third line, it would be fine to then return to it for the fourth because there would have at least been some variation at that point.

2. The last two lines of the first stanza are fragmented. It's because you start the new sentence with 'as' but there's no follow up. When starting a line this way, there's normally something in the sentence which comes before or after, like 'As I am reaching for the phone, it rings'. This could also be 'The phone rings as I am reaching for it'. But it sounds wrong when it's just 'As I am reaching for the phone'.

Perhaps instead of a fullstop after memory it should be a semi colon so that the action is associated with the eyes being imprinted in the persona's memory. I like those two lines by the way, though I'd quite like some more solid imagery puled into this. At the moment there are a lot of colours but other than the eyes themselves, nothing solid. Perhaps you could tie 'imprinted in my memory' in with photographs. Like:

They are imprinted
In my memory
Like photographs drying
In the darkroom.

3. I'm not sure what the 'It' in the second stanza refers to - the stare? Love itself? I think that's not very clear. I like the last two lines though!

Overall

I think there could be more of a story behind this. At the moment, the imagery around the eyes is pretty but there's not much of an emotional impact from the poem and I don't feel anything in particular for the two characters. I also don't go away with a new view point on what love is or a new way of thinking about the world. I feel like a poem should leave me thinking about something and I'm not sure that this one does.

On the plus side, it flows nicely and is easy to read!

All the best with this,

~Heather