Young Writers Society

Heya, Radiant Shadow! This is the last review I'll be doing for you today, and I'll be doing it piece by piece, so I hope you don't mind. Anyway, to the review!

It is held high on an engraved gold pedestal,

Linked with the lightest and the richest of colors.

Oh see how white! How pure! We all say, like slaves,

As we marvel at this unsuspecting spectacles for the gift

bestowed upon them-mere children as only they can have it.

Ah how we tend to overlook the evidence that

Show us it only an illusion, conjured by our very

Own corrupt mind. It is associated with the color white.

But science say white is a mixture all other color, so then

how can it be white?

Take a glance at what a certain religion says. Children

are born in sin and thus need to be forgiven. So how can

we say that they are truly pure? If they are born with

innate sense of sin?

Even psychologists peak into this muddled pool of uncertainty.

They say all are born with an Id- impulses, sex and aggression.

Then why is this obsession with purity, and why is it,

An important concept in our lives?

So we cling to it like one would a piece of drift wood

If stranded in a sea, instead it is innocence that hold

us all afloat.

i had to leave a review.i have tour poems in the past, but his has been a first for me.
Without trying so hard, the poem managed to reveal the emotion behind the concept it is written about, and drew me in for the long haul. Either you intended it or not, but it does sound very partial to the view that innocence is highly regarded for nothing. If you that was your intention, then good. If it wasn't, then the strong wording on the subject could be misdirecting.
Otherwise i like the way you help us imagine innocence in the first lines. Take this section.
"It is held high on an engraved gold pedestal,

Linked with the lightest and the richest of colors."
That first line sent me imagining how you wanted us to envision innocence, which was a good point. I also admire how you blanketed the racier parts of the poem in more readable words even though it is 16+.
Now the errors.
There are a couple of wrong spellings, probably due to speed. They mislead us off the story.
I also didn't understand why some sentences had to start in the middle of a paragraph line. And if there had been a little rhyming somewhere, id have been thrilled.

i had to leave a review.i have tour poems in the past, but his has been a first for me.
Without trying so hard, the poem managed to reveal the emotion behind the concept it is written about, and drew me in for the long haul. Either you intended it or not, but it does sound very partial to the view that innocence is highly regarded for nothing. If you that was your intention, then good. If it wasn't, then the strong wording on the subject could be misdirecting.
Otherwise i like the way you help us imagine innocence in the first lines. Take this section.
"It is held high on an engraved gold pedestal,

Linked with the lightest and the richest of colors."
That first line sent me imagining how you wanted us to envision innocence, which was a good point. I also admire how you blanketed the racier parts of the poem in more readable words even though it is 16+.
Now the errors.
There are a couple of wrong spellings, probably due to speed. They mislead us off the story.
I also didn't understand why some sentences had to start in the middle of a paragraph line. And if there had been a little rhyming somewhere, id have been thrilled.

Hey there! I saw this lurking in the Green Room and decided to review it.

Your ideas about innocence are definitely interesting, and it's good that you explain them clearly and pretty concisely here - that's a skill. However, the main thing that makes this piece lack punch is that it isn't really a poem. It looks like a poem, with lines and stanzas, but it reads much more like an internal monologue or even a not quite fleshed out essay.

Why? Because you're telling us everything. You're stating these facts about life and about what psychologists think. Everything is very literal and straightforward - there's no imagery or language, and you're not telling any form of story, just talking about a subjective social perception. Technically, it is a poem because poems can be pretty much anything, but it doesn't pack the emotional punch poetry is supposed to. Instead, it elicits the mild curiosity that would work better in an essay.

So what should you do? Well, you could write an essay. I, personally, would find it pretty interesting. You could expand more on the differences between what Christianity believes and what psychologists say about our Id, and generally more about how our culture prizes innocence.

But my guess is you don't want to do that. So how to make this a better poem? Add emotion to it, which is something you can often do by adding a story. Instead of just telling us about it, make us care about it because we care about someone. Maybe show these thoughts through the lens of someone who's lost their innocence and wishes they could get it back, whether because of how society prizes innocence or because they just liked not knowing how complicated the world is. Frame it with emotions like loss or fear, and you'll have a powerful poem that doesn't hit the reader over the head with its ideas, but leaves them for exploration.

And that's all I've got! Good luck, and keep writing!

Hello, Godly here for a review and happy review day!

Wow, this is a really well thought out poem! I love how you focus on the fact that our minds create illusions to try to make the world more interesting. In fact it seems to talk about how nothing is what we truly expect as we use a collection of excuses to create a new place in our minds and eyes. The white idea is a prime example of this. You show us that a colour that is suppose to be pure is a collection of every colour so how is it supposed to be pure. That it bears everything wrong with every other colour thus making it more of something that is dirtied rather than a purity. However, if we are to look at it in this light, doesn't it remind you out the story of jesus? I'm not religious but it sure does catch my eye how similar they are. Perhaps white isn't seen as pure because of its colours but how it represents Jesus in christianity. Both endure the weights of all to become a symbol of hope and cleansing. That we use it to cover up our wrongful acts as an excuse to do the things we do. Overall this is a very impactful and meaningful poem that focuses on the idea of mysteries of what is beyond our senses.

Keep writing,
All the best,
Godly

Hello there! I am here to review this wonderful work!

I love the description and detail. I love the way you put it.

But the poem is somewhat not a poem? It's more like a short speech, but in poem format. The lines are somewhat uneven (I'm working on that myself).

Please continue to write more!