I stumbled upon you,
Almost squashed you,
But I quickly saw you,
And called for help.
~
Help arrived, little butterfly,
Onto his hand you moved,
Struggling and resting your,
Tattered broken wings.
~
We got you honey on a spoon
Slowly you sipped it all
I wonder now, did we save you?
Or prolonged your death?
I know this is horrible poetry I just felt so sad when I saw the butterfly! That is my brother holding him... No need to review, you may comment though :)
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Heya, Radiant Shadow! Casanova here with a review! Since this is short, I'll take it piece by piece if you don't mind.
You keep using,"you," statements at the end of each line. I feel like you could cut the you and combine the lines, and you would lose absolutely nothing from the poem. I would really suggest adding a bit of spark to it as well, for these lines lack imagery and emotion both. It gives nothing to the purpose of what you're talking about besides listing information, and that gets you into a shopping list of things.
Here you're talking about the butterfly more. Good, but I would suggest doing a little something more with this than small simple lines like you have been doing. Anyway, to the next one.
I feel like these are alright lines, but you're doing the shopping list again where you're listing off everything instead of letting us feel them and using imagery to describe them. Over all I feel like they're are no poetic devices used in this story, and I feel like you could do a better poem that what you had done.
That's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it's helped a bit. On to the next.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Matt
When I saw the title of this poem, I was instantly intrigued, as it is very attractive to readers. I loved reading it, and I think the fact that you actually found this butterfly adds to it. It gives the poem passion. It is so nice to see the care for such a little creature, and I can really feel the sadness and beauty all at the same time. I think it was a really good idea to write about this butterfly. Well done.
(And I hope the butterfly's having a nice time wherever he is now.)
Thank you for reviewing! Unfortunately the butterfly died anyway I tried to fix his wings but he just gave up
Hey RadiantShadow!
Aley here to review your poem.
I really like how you're taking just a sequence of time and putting it into a poem. That really helps bring this story to life, or death? what would you call it? I'll go with life. I feel like focusing in on just the butterfly instead of the complications that could have happened with people was perfect, especially as you spoke about the way the butterfly looked as it moved, and how you helped it.
I do think you could improve this poem by lying though. It's not really lying so much as just cutting out some facts. This poem is about the butterfly, and it doesn't matter who the people are, whether it's your real brother, or some fictitious memory. Poetry is all about the moment, the emotion, so I feel like this poem would have been better if you had the speaker do everything themselves. It would take out the need to waste space at the end of your first stanza and beginning of your second. You could then use those extra seconds to fill in more detail about the butterfly, or the thoughts of the speaker. I really think that you could use a little bit of questioning how the butterfly came to look like that because that would round out the poem and create more tension about the potential death of the butterfly.
Otherwise, I think you could use a little bit of exploration with your capitalization because it feels a little dry. You can check out this article to find out what you can do with capitalization in poetry. Capitalization in Poetry
Overall, really good poem. I just wish it had a little more detail about the butterfly and a little less story about how it got help, and that's not much of a complaint.
If you have a poem you don't want reviewed in the future, you can add it to this thread here: The "I wrote a poem, but don't need reviews" thread because we are going to review it if you post it through the publishing center.
-Aley
Hey its ok im glad u reviewed. Yes ur right about that its just this was something that i didnt think of much i just wrote it out of sadness. Thanks for the links! Greatly appreciated.
Sorry I'm only doing this to get more points. But I do like how you wrote "I wonder now, did we save you? Or prolonged your death?" because this is really meaningful. It's the question, if you saved it's life, or if you just made it live longer just to die in the end. I imagine a doctor asking this question about a person that was in a terrible accident and is on life support. I think many people could relate to this. That is all I have for you. Keep on writing, this is good for something it seems you wrote in a few minutes.
Thanks for reviewing
Honestly it really made me think of the same thing while I was writing it down. Today I found him dead outside... at least he died with a full belly...
This is actually really bitter sweet in a good way! Thank you for sharing!
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