Young Writers Society

Heya, Radiant Shadow! Casanova here with a review! Since this is short, I'll take it piece by piece if you don't mind.

I stumbled upon you,

Almost squashed you,

But I quickly saw you,

And called for help.

Help arrived, little butterfly,

Onto his hand you moved,

Struggling and resting your,

Tattered broken wings.

We got you honey on a spoon

Slowly you sipped it all

I wonder now, did we save you?

Or prolonged your death?

When I saw the title of this poem, I was instantly intrigued, as it is very attractive to readers. I loved reading it, and I think the fact that you actually found this butterfly adds to it. It gives the poem passion. It is so nice to see the care for such a little creature, and I can really feel the sadness and beauty all at the same time. I think it was a really good idea to write about this butterfly. Well done.

(And I hope the butterfly's having a nice time wherever he is now.)

Hey RadiantShadow!

Aley here to review your poem.

I really like how you're taking just a sequence of time and putting it into a poem. That really helps bring this story to life, or death? what would you call it? I'll go with life. I feel like focusing in on just the butterfly instead of the complications that could have happened with people was perfect, especially as you spoke about the way the butterfly looked as it moved, and how you helped it.

I do think you could improve this poem by lying though. It's not really lying so much as just cutting out some facts. This poem is about the butterfly, and it doesn't matter who the people are, whether it's your real brother, or some fictitious memory. Poetry is all about the moment, the emotion, so I feel like this poem would have been better if you had the speaker do everything themselves. It would take out the need to waste space at the end of your first stanza and beginning of your second. You could then use those extra seconds to fill in more detail about the butterfly, or the thoughts of the speaker. I really think that you could use a little bit of questioning how the butterfly came to look like that because that would round out the poem and create more tension about the potential death of the butterfly.

Otherwise, I think you could use a little bit of exploration with your capitalization because it feels a little dry. You can check out this article to find out what you can do with capitalization in poetry. Capitalization in Poetry

Overall, really good poem. I just wish it had a little more detail about the butterfly and a little less story about how it got help, and that's not much of a complaint.

If you have a poem you don't want reviewed in the future, you can add it to this thread here: The "I wrote a poem, but don't need reviews" thread because we are going to review it if you post it through the publishing center.

-Aley

Sorry I'm only doing this to get more points. But I do like how you wrote "I wonder now, did we save you? Or prolonged your death?" because this is really meaningful. It's the question, if you saved it's life, or if you just made it live longer just to die in the end. I imagine a doctor asking this question about a person that was in a terrible accident and is on life support. I think many people could relate to this. That is all I have for you. Keep on writing, this is good for something it seems you wrote in a few minutes.

This is actually really bitter sweet in a good way! Thank you for sharing!