Ode to those who lived laughed and loved,
For you enjoyed the moments in time were,
Peace and tranquility trembled in your wake,
As your happiness out shined any of theirs.
~
Ode to those who severely sobbed yet conquered,
For you overcome the obscene doubts in your mind,
That ultimately changed to fear and subsequently into lies,
However, crushed, they were and new seeds raised.
~
Ode to those who lived to their golden years but suffer,
The loneliness of time that leads to the minds' depravity.
True that what you only want is love but like fire it catches
quickly into obsession and all that is left of peace burns.
~
Ode to those who learn from their elders mistakes,
For you learned to break free form the rusted chain.
Thus you are the new generation that will lead the others
Into becoming better equipped to dealing with love and loss.
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139,784 Literary Works • 672,764 Reviews
Heyo, Braiden here for a review on Review Day!
Okay, this poem was really beautiful, and I think it is now one of my personal favourites on this site. It was well-written and had a lot of meaning behind it that I really connected with.
There were a few grammatical errors that I noticed:
I think you meant 'where' instead of 'were'
There are a few moments where you add a comma at the end of a line where it is not needed. They are:
It's not needed after either of these lines
And it is unnecessary after these as well
Other than that, fantastic poem! I really enjoyed reading it! Keep writing, you're great at it!
~Braiden
Thank you so much I am glad you enjoyed it
Hey, yo, RadiantShadow! Strange here on this wonderful FRIDAY MORNING and I have a review for you.
My friendo Fortis and I have been in a reviewing competition. I see they have already reviewed one of yours, so I'm going to do the same, except for this one. If I do say anything negative (as I have yet to start the review), I apologize if it comes off as abrasive and or ignorant. I am only a poor man, you can take what I say or not. It's fully up to you.
This was okay? I mean, it wasn't terrible by all means, but it wasn't the best either. The way you approached the subject of this poem was somewhat cliche, it was limited, and it wasn't fully expressive. I like to emphasize having fun in poetry, as that is important. The problem I had with this is that I don't feel emotion, or a writer's voice. I'll clarify that later. Let's get into this, shall we?
*Ode to those who lived, laughed, and loved,/; is the correct way to phrase that.
"In time were"? ¿Que? It's a confusing at line first because of the way that it ends. There is probably a way you could phrase it differently. Moments lost/gone in time? That'd sound better, I think.
Once again, I don't feel like you worded this right. Severely...sobbed? Sobbed severely? The latter sounds like it'd make more sense, but I have no idea.
As you can see, I have selected a good chunk of this. Why? It's to share my absolute favorite term that I kind of coined but at the same time didn't. You have a tendency of walking the cow, which is sounding poetic for the sake of sounding poetic. No other reason at all, you say words so they sound nice and flowery but they don't offer much under the surface. Walking The Cow, a song by Daniel Johnston, which his dedicated fans have been trying to decipher for years but there's no meaning behind it. Johnston even admitted that.
Break free *from the *rusty (it sounds much better) chain. Yeah, that's about it. The final two lines I don't have problems with. They're simple, to the point, and ends it a good way. To sum up what I have said, it's okay, kind of bland and it doesn't have a voice. There are some lines that aren't the logical route to go. Find comfortability and space to project what you want to say. That'll be more interesting for the audience and for you as a writer.
Good job, keep writing, and stay groovy!
That was beautiful! I love the way you did this poem. I'm no expert at poetry, but I have seen enough to tell that this is super good. I like how you included just about everyone, though you were specific enough to make people feel like they could relate. Not many poems do that, and those who try often don't quite nail it. But you have. Excellent job!
Thank you
Absolutely!