My heart is ringing, the old sacred tune
But withered and weary, my eyes drop,
My heart skips a beat, mischance to wonder
Do I deserve to be This?
But wonder wanes, selfishness draws in the reel,
My heart has never broken, so how can it heal?
My eyes are cold, penury stricken,
Snakelike.
Etched on my soul is a battered old rune,
I know who I am, my genealogy, my traits,
How can I be responsible
For my own mistakes?
My hands do not shake, I look straight ahead,
At the blood, at the lifeless limbs,
At the shell of a 'person'
Someone like me.
My heart skips a beat, mischance to wonder,
Did he deserve to die?
But wonder wanes, selfishness draws in the reel,
My heart has never broken, so how can it heal?
And I pull my knife from between his ribs.
I have killed him.
I breathe, like a jagged curve bending,
My chest feels iron-heavy, my heart is ringing,
Still ringing.
Maybe it's me who's meant to die.
And it happens.
I wither, I shake, I quiver, and stop,
I know what has happened,
I bend towards the floor and drop
Onto to the ground.
The ground is meant for me.
My heart skips a beat, mischance to wonder,
Why did I become This?
But wonder wanes, selfishness is long dead.
My heart is broken, I dare not look ahead.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hi hi! RaraMurphy here again for a review.
First off, I need to say that I'm not really a poetry person, but this poem was really enticing. Never would I usually read poems, but I quite enjoyed this one.
The way that you've written from the murderer's P.O.V was excellent! It makes you wonder if some people who commit these crimes really do think in this way. The description of the murderer coming to the realisation of what he had done was amazing. If I'm being honest I could picture the whole scenario in my mind! I love your work, do keep it up!
GREAT! Not very many people can write in the perspective of a murderer! It is how I imagine someone who is guilty of murder and hates themselves for it. You are a great poet! Do you have anymore poetry because I would LOVE to read it! This piece is interesting because I really never thought about how a murderer really felt. I always thought The murderer was angry, they killed someone, and they have no regrets. Great work! Keep writing!
From,
Buddy886551
Thank you! I'm not really all that good, but I'm trying. =) I've written quite a lot of poetry, but haven't posted much here. You can find some in my portfolio, and on fictionpress (the link is in my profile)
Thanks for the support!
~Pompadour
Hey there! Change here for a review
I like this line. It can apply to so many other things that people do, but even though they have a choice in the action they are so compelled they feel they don't. It's a line that really makes you think.
This is a great line too.
This is a great line relating to the first one I mentioned above. You have grasped a good theme with almost being unable to control who we are, especially someone at such extremes as the narrator.
I am a lover of repetition for dramatic emphasis and it is used very well in this piece. The lines are significant enough that it isn't annoying when they're used again and I like that you changed how they ended a little to fit with the particular stanza. The beginning for me was very good, but the end was a bit confusing. I'm guessing it means the narrator has finally lost his selfishness which equated to his desire to kill so now his guilt is breaking his heart? I'm not sure if I got that right. But either way, whether it is or isn't the intent, I think the last part of the poem could benefit from some clarification for the readers sake. Just a little nit though because it really is a great start to a fantastic poem. The concept is original and genuine as well as well executed. I got a good sense of character in the short time and the rhyming and line breaks were good. So keep writing!
Thanks for the review!
~Pompadour
omg this is an amazing poem. like seriously wow. i love it. it rhymed just enough that it flowed well but not so much that it was infurating (i hate rhyming poetry) this is just omg im speechless. i never wanted this to end. i want more. i need more. i seriously dont even know what to say about this. it is like perfect. there was one line
I bend towards the floor and drop
Onto to the ground.
that i think would work better as just one line. the pause that split creates just feels strange but that is the only thing i can think of to make it better. i cant wait to read more of your work. i just wanted to ask do u like tmi and tid. you said rune wich made me think of them. tmi and tid stands for the mortal instruments and the infernal devices just incase you didnt know. they are amazing books. if you havent read them you should like right now. it will change your life thats just how good they are. anyway back on track. amazing poem cant wait to read more. you should enter this in a competition or try and get it published or something. it is totaly good enough.
great job.
(by the way, sorry about the shocking spelling)
from alilovessandy
wow
Thanks! Yep, I've read The Infernal Devices and I really liked it, but I haven't started on The Mortal Instruments.
Great usage of words. I like the way you used the words withered,mischance and genealogy.
First of all I congrat anyone. So here goes for you too.
GREATT EFFORT.
Though the poem is not perfect and a bit confused in your rhyming. The topic and the input is great. All it needs is some more effort , a bit modification and re checking. This poem be great!
I like the lines
Etched on my soul is a battered old rune,
I know who I am, my genealogy, my traits,
Thank you for the review!
~Pompadour
OK, wow, that was really good! It's an interesting point of view, but I like it. However, I'm a little confused as to your rhyming. At first I thought it was free-verse, but then I noticed you had one pair of lines rhyme each other near the end. Other than that though, it was a very well written poem. I like how you have the murderer finally come to his senses, it's really sad in the sense that he only now(After all he's done) realizes it was wrong, and his heart break.
Keep it up!
Thanks! Yeah, I intended for it to be free verse, but those last two verses just sort of "wrote themselves". I knew it's sort of weird from a structured point of view, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
I know! The ending- I found it sad too. But that's because when I wrote it I could actually see it happening and felt so miserable. I was all, "Hey, I'd never forgive myself for this. Never ever, nuh-uh."
Thanks for reading!
OK, I thought those rhymes may have been unintentional, it clears everything up. I like the way you did it. i think having just that one repeated phrase really helps the poem.