A/N: Written for day three of NaPo WriMo. Unedited. Talks about exploring worlds beyond these walls humans have built around themselves. 'Cause whether glass or paper or hardboard, all walls must come crashing down.
~*~
She lived in a house where the walls were made of cardboard
and the drains were corrugated.
The roof was of tarot-cards in half-moon prints
stacked like ladders to the sky.
And it took but a jolt, the slightest of movements;
an overblown gust of wind to
~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
~blow ~~ them ~~~ down~~~~
~~ ~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~ ~~~
like dominoes. So all she could see
was the clarity of the crepe paper sky.
And she reached out to catch the light;
it entwined with her fingers like elegant fly-paper.
Her eyes burnt holes in the noon.
So much azure, intermingled
with the vermilion-est of reds.
Never had she seen the way the sky frayed
where it met the ground; a dewy hem
of pale grey parchment.
She lived in a house where the walls were made of cardboard
and the windows were not made of glass.
The shutters were A-4 sized; smaller than she realized.
So when she lit a match, the embers singed through in
UnEvEn PaTtErNs
like lions that trawled through the night
and tore at them.
So many stars in the darkness.
Flickering. Winkering and blinkering at her.
When she laughed, they laughed
and she could hear the sound echo through
the depths of space where angels sang to the moonlight.
When the stars drove back home, she cried out to them
to come and tell her their stories again.
They let her go silently; they traipsed through the night,
And they watched from overhead as
the cardboard
came
tum-
buh-
ling
down.
~*~
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Hey hey!
This is a super good NaPo poem, it is a super good poem in general! So much nice work here. Aaargh so jealous you are writing beautiful napo things when napo sucks so much. This is really wonderful because you maintain your cardboard motif throughout the entire poem without it becoming too old or too unstable at any point.
Where you lose out on this poem is in the colours. The azure and vermillion? Waste of your time, they do not fit in with what you are describing and how you are describing it. Why are you trying to stuff bright, beyond colours into a poem which is about the drab corners of this cardboard house? If you had started with strong colours, strong images it might make sense but you havent given us that grounding so it really just seems very odd from our perspective.
I do thing this gorgeous poem should stay omg forever, though do consider what you're doing with the length of the poem, which might need a little bit of trimming. I adore your picture of the house down the bottom as well, that is absolutely the kind of thing my tired mind loves to see on a beautiful poem.
Thank you so much for posting! Give me more!
- Pen.
Hey Cesare here for a review,
I loved this poetry. Your word choice and the way you write is very unique. It's not like anything I've seen before.
Nit's/Sugg's
I don't know how you made that so big. That's all I have to say.
CesareBorgia,
signing out
Best of luck i writing.
Hello WindSailor here to review your poem today. So I have to say the strongest part of this poem was the imagery. In every stanza just about you give us such a beautiful description and it was really well done and put together very well. It made the poem come alive, and it kind of put you at peace reading about such a beautiful scene. Overall the poem was really good and there is not much for me to really critique it is pretty much perfect. Great job and keep writing!