A/N: Typed this down right now because it was so much more appealing than doing my Maths homework. And it's free-verse by the way -- From Death's point of view. >.<
I'm telling you nicely. I'm telling you now.
I'm telling you a "something" you'd better believe.
I'm telling you softly, so no-one overhears.
No, it's not a secret. It's 360°.
You don't have the time to puzzle over my words;
the end is closer than you think.
You could look around, bewildered, but the seconds are flying by.
Please, just listen. You need 360°.
I could elaborate, create outlines, or even give you a map.
But the schematics won't see you through.
Pardon my ambiguity; I don't have the time to explain.
You need to turn 360°.
"Is it a dial? An angle? Of elevation or reflex?"
It's none of that, I assure you. I speak but the truth.
"Is it a code? A bearing? A password to a spy-satellite?"
Oh, damn it. Why don't you just turn 360°?!
"Should I pirouette? Or should I twirl?"
Hmm, might I suggest that you glide?
You're so ignorant! Stupid humans never know...
What's setting your life on the line? Oh, just 360°.
I can see you're in a quandary, your thinking face is on.
And you look rather constipated when it comes to that.
I smack my forehead hard. Turn around! Turn around!
Oh, please just turn 360°!
You don't notice the sweeping shadows move in closer.
You don't hear the silent footsteps, foreboding and swift;
all those nonsense words humans use to describe death.
But death is a vulture, you can see its condor calling; its black embrace.
The knife is raised behind you. The darkness draws in its breath.
And I've started to weep with the stars and the sky.
Through your uncertain heart it flies -- a flash of silver in the night.
And your body weeps crimson as you fall --
180° to the cold, hard ground.
The shadows move away. The deed has been done.
I slide you over my shoulder and carry you away.
The moon is an avalanche; an irony that mocks our souls.
Spreading out at 360°.
So I press upon you, oh, oft I repeat!
It is not my job to tell you, though I try. I really do.
It is not my fault that you remain so blind.
But I urge you to remember these last haunting words:
Remember the 360°.
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140,218 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Hey there, Rhia here to review for review day
Nitpicks first
I'm telling you softly, so no-one overhears.
No one doesn't have a hyphen, it's just two words.
Through your uncertain heart it flies -- a flash of silver in the night.
And your body weeps crimson as you fall --
180° to the cold, hard ground.
Again here with hyphens. If you're going to use them, you should only use one at a time, not two in a space. Also, this is just a stylistic opinion, but I think hyphens look sloppy used as punctuation. Using commas where the -- are would have the same effect, and just look neater and tidier. But that may just be me, so feel free to overlook that idea.
Otherwise, I think this is really interesting and different. I feel like there was a little too much telling and not enough showing, but it was still good.
I want to draw back my correction on the double hyphen; I was unaware that that is something that is used as a dash when unable to type one. So I formally apologize for that
It's cool. Thanks for the review! I actually just saw this, so yeah.
This poem made me turn and check behind me!
This sort of poem isn't normally my cup of tea, but you pulled it off nicely, I think.
Great job- I would just suggest that perhaps the poem is a little long...?
Maybe this is a personal preferance, I just think the ending would have come off more dramatically had the poem been a little more concise and to the point.
Well done!
To be honest, I'm not a huge fan of this poem. I really like the concept, of someone trying to get someone to turn around so that they'll be murdered, and there are a couple great lines in here (especially: "The moon is an avalanche; an irony that mocks our souls.). However, the free-verse messed me up quite a bit.
I think the biggest problem that I had in reading this poem was the fact that it was free-verse, and yet you had it separated into verses. I found this difficult because I felt like there had to be some sort of rhyme scheme or internal rhyme or rhythm, but I couldn't find anything, so the whole thing felt very disjointed and almost like a story instead of a poem. I just couldn't get into it at all because there didn't seem to be any flow.
However, keep working at it! I think you have the beginnings of a very good poem here, if you work with it a little bit more. Thanks so much for writing!
I've sorted out the problem with the verses. Also, it's by Death's POV. I didn't mention that because I wanted to see if someone would catch that fact. It's a narrative, and the reason I didn't have it rhyme was because I have found that narratives work better when they don't rhyme. I guess that depends though, both on the writer and the reader!
Bleh, I'm terrible at anything other than nonsense poems. I know. >.<
Thanks for reviewing!
No problem! I agree that it would definitely work better as a free-verse poem than a rhyming poem, but it just felt more disjointed then free-verse-y. Either way, it's a very interesting concept!