We mapped every riptide
that wrecked the Irish shore,
and blazed trails across tropical islands
that aren't there any more.
And we burned the plates
until the quicksand seeped through;
we whispered to forgotten plains
of green glaze against the blue.
Oh, we heard them sing,
maybe you'll still hear them if you try;
all the moonlight rhapsodies
the clouds strained of lunar dye.
Hawaiian breezes, umbrella tombs,
golden ribbons of indented sand.
Oh, this graffiti is tearing through,
and staining the bedrock land.
We're on a pineapple precipice,
struck hollow to the core.
Every bullet never goes amiss,
and all the sea can do is roar.
We're on a pineapple precipice;
the coast is textbook history.
Why we cave in to glass and paper strands
shall remain but a mystery.
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139,536 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Wow, this was awesome!
You give it such a whimsical feel, yet there's the underlying and very prevalent mystery that you bring out in the last stanza.
"Hawaiian breezes, umbrella tombs,
golden ribbons of indented sand.
Oh, this graffiti is tearing through,
and staining the bedrock land."
This part, while I don't think it actually bolstered the message of the poem, it's definitely a huge part of the poem itself. It brings together this sort of tropical island with a strange twist to it. "Umbrella tombs," very clever.
"We're on a pineapple precipice;
the coast is textbook history.
Why we cave in to glass and paper strands
shall remain but a mystery."
It's obvious that these last four lines are the most controversial, as they sum up the reason for the poem. Again, clever word usage here, and intriguing as well.
This is a very good piece of work.
Thank you Pompadour!
This is a very interesting piece! But at the same time, I can't help but wonder if there's more to it. I feel like the point the poem's trying to get through is getting lost.
However, you've got a great sense of rhyme and rhythm, which I find most important in a poem. I just don't quite understand if you're trying to say something here.
Also, this line here: "And we burned the plates
until the quicksand seeped through;" doesn't seem to fit with the flow of the poem. It sounds choppy and disrupts what otherwise sounded really nice.
Also, this here: "Oh, this graffiti is tearing through,
and staining the bedrock land," could be made to sound better.
But otherwise, I really like this! Keep up the great work!
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? (There is nothing to be ashamed about is Spongebob Squarepants.)
This another nice nonsense poem, reminiscent of zanadu. (If you haven't read this you should, although it should be noted that the author was slightly crackers and on drugs)
The rhythm and rhymes are excellent, no problems in that shore.
Keep up the crackers work,
Take That You Fiend!
I've read Kubla Khan (Xanadu), haha. But I'm not an opium-addict. Really. It's just the sugar. ^_^
And thank you so much for the review! (This was also a draft, btw. I'm always out of points when I write. Hehe.) Crackers forever!