Let go of all your dreams
like paper birds
frayed at the seams.
And watch them flutter
like butterflies,
as you mutter
a silent "good-bye."
And walk away,
try not to look at the sky.
The longing
is evident in your eyes.
Just focus, let logic define
what fancies scoffed at
and what imagination derides.
Even when you don't want
to look away,
your resolution
won't let you sway.
Success isn't a dream,
call it an ambition.
Because your dreams are already
out of commission.
Tears well up, the dams break through,
but all that you gave up,
you can't renew.
You fell prey to the pesters
of the world and its clans.
And you failed to register
that you're the pawn in its plans.
The world told you to give up -
that your dreams were just a con.
And you obliged too readily,
look at the mind-maps you've drawn;
they make sense to the world,
but not a smidge to you.
Because your dreams are out there
in the celestial blue.
There's a chasm in your heart,
you're afraid to cross the line.
You're afraid to follow your dreams;
the world's claimed you as "mine."
You swallow your anger, you hold your heart firm,
even though your desire has started to squirm.
You try to keep it from breaking and flooding into despair.
But to the world all is a prosaic cry of "hum-drum."
You're a halting wreck, a metal gymnasium.
Breaking, breaking, like a convex sphere,
You roam in circles, and yet you wonder
if your dreams fly free somewhere.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hi there,
Here’s the review! I hope it helps
I find it very “flat and bland”, as in, I just don’t feel anything while reading it. In my mind, it’s a monotonous drone. I think it needs more “uummphh” in it.
The sprinkled rhyme comes off as a bit forced as well.
Other than that, I think that it’s a good poem. But there’s always room for improvement eh!
Have a nice day!
H
I really like this poem, I do.
It's good.
But, it seems that you kind of forced the rhyming parts out.
I may be wrong, but that's what it seems like.
Other than that, I don't see anything that doesn't go.
But the part that really worked for me was:
"You swallow your anger, you hold your heart firm,
even though your desire has started to squirm.
You try to keep it from breaking and flooding into despair.
But to the world all is a prosaic cry of "hum-drum.""
It just flowed really well, and...I don't know. I can't find all of my words at the moment.
Splendid job!
Greetings reviewie! I have noticed a total lack of reviews, I assume that is because it is new, and so I aim to amend the sorrowful situation. A couple of notes on the title:
.
-Capital. Please! It may be fussy and irrelevant, but it is important for me.
-Mention it near the end of the poem. This generally gives an epic (in the true sense of the word) feeling to the piece, and is nice
Nothing else to fault, must dash, nonsense poems to review etc.
Take That You Fiend!
This is actually a draft. I never published it.
That would explain the lack of reviews!
I recommend you publish it......
Haha, yeah. Maybe I will when I'm not broke. Thanks for reviewing my draft, anyway! And its actual title was: "It's the way of the world."