Don't fall

Hey Resistance,

What you're attempting is admirable, the subject matter is a very concrete one, and you use metaphors that are very clear, all revolving around falling. You stick with the metaphor of someone on a precipice ready to jump, which shows a good development of the metaphor and clarity of the idea. You don't stray too far from that.

I feel that this poem could be stronger if you created more of a moment for us, somewhere that we could be standing with this narrator as s/he talked the person down. Doing this would give you the major benefit of having concrete details to develop. For instance, you could actually take us to someone who is suicidal standing on that turning point, and describe them for us standing on that point ready to leap. You could even 'sing out' to them like you're trying in this poem, but with more detail, more exact description.

Another point of contention I have with this poem, suicide is treated like a crime in most places. If someone attempts suicide, and other people find out about it, they tend to mandate how the next portion of their life goes without the individual's say.

"You don't belong to the wind, nor does it belong to you" <- this line is personifying the wind in an insensitive way. The use of 'don't belong' is very harsh and doesn't match up with the rest of the poem, so to me, this line stood out the most.

Personal gambit, the suicidal people I've talked to before would be following their hearts to commit suicide because of the depression, anger, self loathing, etc. that led them to that point in the first place. Their brains might be reminding them, hey look, we have friends, these people are here for us, they would be sad if we died, but their hearts would be telling them, They're just saying that, it's a lie, we know the truth. No one cares. I'm sad, I'm too depressed for this life, it's better to just die. That being said, you may or may not want to consider your argument, "follow your heart" instead of your brain. Most of the time the brain and heart combined are our self-preservation hubs. Fear of death, plus knowledge of worth.

Rhyming! Most of the time if you start out with an abab rhyme scheme, you have to follow through After the second stanza, in the third stanza, you drop the rhyme scheme to abcb and while abcb is a perfectly acceptable rhyme scheme, and much easier to work with in the long run since you get multiple rhymes to work with, you don't start with that, and that is an issue. The reason being, when you read this poem out loud, especially, you're going to really notice that something major has changed and the reader is going to start switching things up, like the tone, the beat, and so forth to follow the rhyme scheme. The only thing stopping that from happening in this poem is that you have constant end punctuation, which makes reading kind of messy since we're supposed to read through the lines, but you're telling us not to.

It's sort of like with a painting, or art in general, in the rules of art composition, you lead the viewer's eye with strong lines or pieces, color, something that will guide them around the picture until they get back to the focal point [the spot where they started]. In poetry, our focal point is the beginning of the poem. You want your readers to read the poem again once they've finished it once, just to pick up on the minor details they might not have read the first time.

The easiest way to do that is to develop an idea through a poem, so that it's completely different from the beginning that way they have to go back and look to see where the 'change' happened. Most of the time this is called 'the turn' in poetry terms. For your poem, I feel like the turn would be somewhere around the second[third?] to last stanza, "You are not..." because this is where you get that strong "You don't belong" and you start to see an emergence of what the suicidal person is. [I disagree that you should be trying to tell someone at that point in their life that they are brave enough to get through it, because it gives them something to say, 'that's not me,' but hey, that's just my thought.]

However, I am concerned about your use of the turn. With that next stanza I feel like you're starting to wrap things up, and you go on this 'conclusion' diatribe about all the people you're trying to talk to, like you're going from small to broad. In poetry, like in short stories, these conclusions need to be left to the reader and you have to leave them with a vivid image that makes them want to come back, your echo of 'Don't fall.' is really good for that, but it is still lacking the image because you don't give us much to wrap us in at the beginning.

How to improve it? I'd suggest writing this poem again. Some people are going to love it, the people who love lyrical poetry especially, because this sort of echos the poetry in our songs, even though it doesn't have much of a refrain, or bridge. If you sang this, I'm sure it would be pretty stellar. So instead of taking this, write another one. Make a whole series of poems about this topic, and explore different things. In one focus on the turn, in another focus on building the narrator and character, and their interaction. Focus on concrete real images instead of the romanticists vague 'Prince Charming.' Take real accounts from your life, or from news, youtube, anywhere and try writing it again. Research the psychology behind suicide and write it another time. The reason I'm suggesting multiple poems is two fold: the more you write/read/explore, the more you understand, and this is a theme which could get a bunch of poems lumped together for an anthology/chap book. If you have a lot of this suicide line poetry, you could try publishing them and see what outside YWS says about them.

I was listening to "Never Too Late" by Three Days Grace on repeat for hours on end. I didn't realize just how well this poem would fit that mood when I clicked on it.

This piece was fantastic.

The rhythm was steady, easy, and you kept it perfectly. You executed the idea, the support, the feelings--all of it--in the best way I've seen in a loooong time. Absolutely wonderful )

- DarkHeart

This is beautiful. Really nice job.

Hey there! It's MysteryMe, here for a quick review!!!! (Sorry if this is short, I'm a little short on time today).

Wow... this is just... incredible. That's all I can say. So inspired and beautifully written. You used a lot of metaphors and figurative language, which immediately hooked me in since I'm such an imagery addict XD. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I love it, Pompadour! Great work!!! I'll admit, some of the rhyming did seem a tad bit forced, but most of it flowed very nicely, and I don't think that you made any mistakes in grammar or spelling. Or at least, none that I noticed.

The only thing that I'm going to nitpick is this one, tiny, insignificant thing that bothered me. Just because I'm weird like that.

You wrote, "'Cause attempted suicide should be a crime."

That line felt really long and strange to me, for some reason. It interrupted the flow, and Idk why exactly, but I just didn't like it. Consider changing it to "'Cause suicide should be a crime." It's shorter, that way, and I think the reader will still understand what you're trying to say.

Anyway, my favorite part was...

"If you're tired of the world's scornful glances,
and the leers and the sneers that slither and slide.
The world's a dreary place for all its romances,
and it's romantics like us who've gotta learn how to hide."

As someone who's going through a slight period of depression, this really hit home, and I could relate to it so much. I just love the way that you put it. Genius, it really was.

Well... that's all I can really say!!!! Keep writing!!! You're great at it!!!

*catches ladcat and puts him/her in bath* Verser here for a review.

To start, I really love the way you rhyme. Personally, I think rhyming is the hardest thing to do in a poem, It takes wordcrafting and a fast mind to think up those rhymes.I envy you for that. Also, this poem is so real. I feel like I'm being talked to by someone who's actually had some experience with death, did you research anything or anyone for this?

Now onto some nitpicks. To be honest, some of the rhyming seems like you were trying to rhyme. Rhyming should ome like the flow of water, when you actually try to rhyme something your doing it wrong.

Thanks for a beautiful poem.

Timmy here for a quick(sorta quick, anyway) review!

I know that your computer just got unplugged... (terrible sad fate, I know) So perhaps leaving a review will put a smile on your face and lighten your heart. bleh. Poetry from a non-poetic guy.

Anyway, I have just gotten back from sending my extraction squad to your address on the snowball in space called Pluto. If you wouldn't mind sending your coordinates, it would be most helpful.

Onto your review!

As I just informed an unfortunate bystander, who had no idea what I was talking about, I have a certain way of reviewing. First, I shall point out my nitpicks... and when I say point out, I mean shout out for the world(or solar sytem) to all know... Then I exalt your poem to the heavens once I have finished my nitpicking... Shall we begin? Pull up a chair! It may take a while...

Nitpicks

and it's romantics like us who've gotta learn how to hide. ----This line doesn't flow well... It kind of jerked off the tongue, instead of roooollllliinnnng peacefully off. Maybe make it... And those like us who learn to hide

hear me plead one more time. --- I know this may sound like a crazy nitpick, but this line just seems one word too short! Maybe, Hear me plead just one more time?

You are not a bird. You are not a plane. ---No, its UNDERDOG!!! Hee hee. sorry. Couldn't resist

or to an overdose of aspirins or the naked flame. ---Tiny nitpick, I know. But I think you could cut out the bolded word

You look down at the tiny people, the scrabbling circle of ants,
and you wonder what'd happen if you were to fall.
Would you crack your skull or break your neck,
like a marionette dangling off a glass wall? ---My favorite stanza. I know. I am so morbid.

Don't fall. Please, just listen to the wind.
It laments the loss that could've been you. ---I love how you put in those two words. Don't fall. Loving this!

*Drops from the sky* Rawr! Ladcat here for review...

I like your poem very much. Instead of glorifying suicide (I've read many of those on this website, nearly wrote one myself...) It takes a worn-out prompt and turns it on its head. It's very clever with some very nice turns of phrase! It also does a great job of telling why people decide NOT to commit suicide, or why people know deep in their hearts that suicide is wrong. I think anyone who's ever been depressed can relate to this. I read this poem and it reminds me of why, when I'm feeling low, I don't think of self-harm as an answer. My father always says that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and most times that's enough to scare me off. But sometimes a person needs a little extra pick-me-up when they're feeling especially low. Thanks for a wonderful poem and a wonderful read : )