The tundra is never silent,
and these icicles are land-rovers
cutting paths through the thaw.
The sub-zero temperatures
seep through us into a black inferno;
pitch-black tractor beams
race through the stars.
We cannot see them,
but we know they are there.
And the world knows it too.
The clouds are broken prisms,
so the light divides, then coincides again.
And these infrared waves
are as accepted as gravity.
The seas are moving closer,
like seaweeds wrapping around
seashells made of glass,
and refusing to unfurl.
The seas are moving closer.
We can feel it.
And the earth feels it too.
The earth is pulsating, a restless rhyme
of smoky rivulets and toxic ravines;
a stream of sweat, an incessant downpour,
but the world's tongue is parched
and dry.
It cracks open
and we cave in.
The ozone is a candy-wrapper,
a cluster of aluminium foil stretched
above us.
And it's torn open, so we search wildly
for a sewing kit.
But the gaping hole scowls down at us;
it will never close again.
The winds whisper crackling runes,
slipping blithely among our shattered heartbeats
and hissing in our ears.
What's gone wrong? we raise our hands to the sky,
and our eyes beseech the horizon
for answers.
But all the world says is:
Think,
you're getting warmer.
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139,436 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
Mostly when I'm looking for something to review and I come across a poem I like, I leave it alone. I'm not sure if that's good practice, but I hate leaving comments when I don't have much to say!
I'm going to give it a go this time so here are the parts of the poem which I think are weaker, but overall I thought that this was really great:
Word Choice
For the most part your words are really well chosen, like tundra and thaw. They're powerful and punchy. However, I'm not sure about tractor beams which 'race' through the stars. The rest of this poem is slow and inching but dreadfully unbeatable. The thing about the cold is that it does creep and that we don't see it so I feel like something pushing through or trundling through or - I don't know. I'm just not sure about race so I thought I'd point it out.
Surplus
This feels like a drop after such a powerful opening. I wonder if you couldn't cover it in a single word - just by placing invisible or intangible somewhere in that first stanza, or the second. You're very good at not being preachy in this, but you're getting borderline here.
<3
I really like these two lines. The internal rhyme really does you a lot of favours here and the imagery is just generally beautiful.
Say it Out Loud
This is pretty but a little awkward to read! As strange as it seems, 'infrared waves' might be the tricky part, or maybe it's the culmination of it all, but I had to read it a couple of times.
Small Things
I think seaweeds might need to be singular - seaweed.
I think this could be more interesting and 'search wildly' is a little half-hearted or throw away. I think even scrabbling in the dark would give a stronger image (but I'm sure you can do better than that).
Overall
Nice poem! I've not much more to say than that.
Heather xx
Timmyjake here to leave you a review on Global Warming, oh, err, You're Getting Warmer.
To be honest, I don't agree that the polar ice caps are melting, and if they are, it has anything to do with us. So I will focuse only on how it flows. :d Shall we?
The way you describe things is so beautiful. So elaborate and... well, descriptive! I can see everything so beautifully! I shall hit a few nitpicks I saw!
and refusing to unfurl.
That line seemed to flow better for me when it was changed to just "Refusing to Unfurl."
The seas are moving closer.
We can feel it.
And the earth feels it too.
This whole stanza just says over what was said a few lines before. I don't think it really adds anything to the poem, seeing that you already stated that the seas were moving closer four lines up.
and dry.
It cracks open
and we cave in.
Those three lines don't seem to match the rythemic and beautifully descriptive lines of the rest of the poem. Maybe lengthen them and throw in some of those elaborate metaphors we love!
Ok, that's it for nitpicks. I loved your metaphors! It was amazing! And the flow of the poem was perfect. Happy Writing!
~Timmyjake Btw, you shall lose in the number game. Jus saying. But don't get angry, jus get even.
I rarely come across protest poetry! This is really somthing different, and not at all what I was expecting. I love your intricate metapors and similies, and the way that you extend and manipulate them. There are a few more metaphors than similies however, and I think that you should redress the balance. Although always using a metaphor adds continuity, it borders on confusion, and metaphors and similies are like enough to still have continuity. Loads of lovely alliteration, one of my favorite writing devices. Possibly your best strength is in your last line, because it has such depth in the familiarity of the phrase but such a different shocking meaning. My favorite phrase is:
The ozone is a candy-wrapper,
a cluster of aluminium foil stretched
above us.And it's torn open, so we search wildly
for a sewing kit.
But the gaping hole scowls down at us;
it will never close again.
Not only is it the longest extended metaphor, but it also has a brilliant closing line of it's own, because it is punchy and sums up grimly the whole paragraph.
Hope this helps,
Take that you fiend!
Wow Pompadour! That is really good! You should try to get it published in a magazine! I like the details and I think you would will e a good poet when you grow up.
Looks more or less than a global warming issue described in poetic style.
I quickly skimmed through the verse. Nicely written. Addresses an issue too.
May you be inspired and keep writing such pieces.All the best,mate.