Ebony

"Her screams tore at her splintery shell,
Of a body.
She could not move, nor could she breathe,
She longed so hard to die.
The men were cold, and vicious and cruel,
They weren't people, they couldn't have hearts at all
If they could stab a child
To punish her mother,
Who just stood there, watching.
Helpless soul."
A couple of notes on this paragraph. Firstly the firstly the first comma is unneeded an impedes flow.
Secondly, this was rather moving, as it reminded me of the all my pretty chickens scene in Macbeth. (Nothing to do with chickens)
Overall the poem was deeply moving, and far removed from the previous randomness.
One of the best things about this I would say is the fact that it explains itself very slowly, keeping the reader's interest engaged until the powerful anti racism bit.
Very well done,
Take That You Fiend!

Knight Malachi here to review on a busy busy Review Day.
This poem was . . . wow that was sad. Very emotional and sadly very true of what used to be in America (where I live) and sadly still goes on in some parts of the world. You write in such a way that really got to me. Very good in describing the scenes. I knew exactly what was going on almost the whole time. Except where the Main Character is at the very beginning.
Adding the Beautiful part just added more to the poem. Another level of skill in its worth. I'm not sure if this had to do with romance or not, but good job anyway.
Keep it up!
Happy Review Day!!!!

Hi there, Infinity here to review!

Well I see what you're trying to create here, It was an interesting topic, you have some beautiful pieces in here but there are some parts that have potential to be greater so I'd like to give you some suggestions.

"I saw her walking up the path,
Up the garden path
To my door.
She was like a ray of sun.
She was that beautiful."

Here, the part about walking up the path as an opening sentence isn't very intriguing, it's too story-like and bland, the opening of a poem should want the reader to read on eagerly. Perhaps just starting your poem as something else or just cutting the first half and starting with,
"she was like a ray of sun"

"If a list was to be made of sufferings
Her list was to go trailing out the door.
Her daughter had been killed that day.
She had watched her die.
She stood helpless, wringing her heart,
As her daughter's frail hands had been twisted
And cold metal met clammy flesh and blood.
While she just stood there, watching.
She buried the remnants she could scrape
Alongside her other children
Whom she could not defend."

Here, I like the first line it was a great start but other things started to fall a bit flat.
I have a problem with the second line, I would've preferred a more emotional imagery rather than her sufferings just trailing out the door, you're expressing someone who's been through a lot.
I would've liked it if you'd have gone into more detail about the death of her daughter to really create that empathy from the readers.
I don't like the word use of "scrape" I'd imagine she would have gone though a lot to get her remnants, so scrape assumes she just looked for them and found them, perhaps a different word choice like scavenge or something along those lines.

"They were treated lower than slaves.
But terror reaches peaks.
Mountainous and tall, never crumbling
Peaks that beat on the same path;
Murder."

This stanza could have had more depth, I almost wish it were longer.
The fact that they were treated lower than slaves, speaks volumes as slaves were treated worse than animals, elaborate on that. I like the sudden haunting to this stanza, it was great to add.

"She was black, but she was beautiful."

I have a problem with this last line, I'd have preferred it if you'd have said "black and she was beautiful" Saying "but" seems like despite being black, like it's a burden and saying beautiful at the end to compensate for it, so I didn't particularly like that. For what this woman had gone though in this poem I think she deserves to be just simply beautiful without having a "but" like something's wrong.

Overall a nice poem with plenty of potential. Hope I was of help to you.

-Infinity x

They have fragmented my soul.'
Okay this line right here^, it could be sooooo much better.


I understood. How could I not
After the terror she had witnessed?
And she walked through my door.
And up the hallway.

Okay you are teasing us, stop teasing just get rid of it because it makes for a better effect when you actually get to the terror part. You like to lay things on slowly when we want to be surprise. We say terror, okay I'm ready for it. You want to catch us off-guard.

And her beautiful face portrayed misery.
When you tell us she is beautiful and you don't parallel it with evidence you attempt to make us believe you, we can come up with our own conclusions if you tell us what she looks like.

forever stained
^ this just takes awy all your tone you built up.. stained is an ugly word and I don't think it fits.

If a list was to be made of sufferings
Her list was to go trailing out the door.
^ this metaphor would suggest that her sufferings would be leaving. thats at-least how i interpret the meaning, in which-case makes no sense with the story.

Her daughter had been killed that day.
She had watched her die.
^SHOW us,theres a sad interest in all of us of horror in literature. Don't believe me? A tell tale heart by Poe is like they most famous short story its about a man killing someone because of a glass eye.

She stood helpless, wringing her heart,
As her daughter's frail hands had been twisted
And cold metal met clammy flesh and blood.
While she just stood there, watching.

I can't picture this because I get caught on twisted, I think you try to hide it a bit and maybe you should go for clarity instead. Anyways this is the best 4 lines of the poem, if it where me I'd rewrite this and that is what I would start with. You seem to linger on the subject and it makes it this long boring thing. By the time we get to this part we are already desensitized to the image because you told us it would happen.


She buried the remnants she could scrape
Alongside her other children
Whom she could not defend.

This past tense stuff isn't doing anything for me. I think the tale would be better if it was unfolding in the readers eyes with images and a realness to it, you would actually have a very,very awesome poem, if so.

'Cause all the White missus did was
Chastise, correct, confine.
Debar, defrock, dismiss.
Motto it was, to 'tar and feather the Black.'
Motto it was, to kill and snipe.

I love this word choice. I think the rest of the stanza could go without if you tweak this a bit.

They were treated lower than slaves.
But terror reaches peaks.
Mountainous and tall, never crumbling
Peaks that beat on the same path;
Murder.

when you keep using peaks it doesn't work. It makes the word sound numb of the readers tong. They get aggravated and want to close the page. (I do this too though, on accident alot.) I think you need a better understanding of a metaphor, these things you write don't do anything, they seem random and only placed there so you can seem artsy. That murder line sounds good though, but the problem is clarity>sounds good

Don't understand this
Never to die.


You end kind numb, like its a recap in an essay. I think you need to go off in a bang because the end is not strong at all tbh. And again we can't picture her because you don't give us an image of anything really. We have to take what you say and just think its how it happened and its boring, dull. I think the theme is really something though.

Any questions pm or comment,

hero

This poem was amazing! It was so beautiful, and the words that you used to write it were just fabulous and set the mood for the poem quite clearly. The poem had a great voice, very strong and confident about the topic. This was a great topic to choose to write about, and it kept me interested through out the whole thing.

You sentences had such great detail. One part I particularly found interesting...
"But terror reaches peaks.
Mountainous and tall, never crumbling
Peaks that beat on the same path;"

This line was just great! I love how the second and third line keep on going deeper in detail and deeper in comparison to peaks from the first line.

Great job on a great poem!