z

Young Writers Society


12+

Desperado

by Pompadour


The sky is calling.
The march of battle reigns.
And the clouds are shot with red
While I stand,
Hardly standing.

I am caught in a tangled web
Of misfortune.
And I hark, like a bell
But never succeeding in laughter
For the world around
Is a decaying corpse.
And I stand,
Hardly standing

That mad look in my eyes,
That gleam of despair,
That cloud of confess.
That reality.
I cannot believe.
I cannot see what I see.
I can see flame,
I can see pain, and close my eyes
And I can see that it is coming.
The night approaches not on feet
But on wild horses, not half-tame.
I await them.
While I stand,
Hardly standing.

The drum beats faster, the booms wreck souls
I am shipwrecked, half-and-half
Half ice, half water
Half fire and half flame
Half a victim, half to blame
And I stand, hardly standing
With the world around me broken
And simply mad, simply insane
It left me in the torrent of the rain
And I too, was pinned to the ground.
No longer standing.

A/N: There's no particular rhyming scheme for this one.

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67 Reviews

Points: 214
Reviews: 67

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Sun Mar 30, 2014 6:27 pm
joallover wrote a review...



Hey there! joallover here for a review on this wonderful Review Day for team Mazarine Marauders!
I saw the title 'Desperado' and I instantly got the Eagle's song Desperado stuck in my head, as my dad is a huge Eagles fan. I had to check it out! I was not disappointed.
I don't know the story of Desperado, but I believe I do now, if he is a real person and I'm not making myself sound dumb! The portrayal of the story is executed fantastically and I have very few nitpicks.
The repeated phrase

"While I stand,
Hardly standing."

I believe it would be stronger if you had a new word for 'stand' or 'standing.' The repetition of 'stand' type words are a bit odd, and although effective, could be a bit better, a little less constrictive sounding.

That's all I can say for now! You did really good! I loved this poem! Keep calm and write on!
Peace Love and Fahrvergnugen!
-joallover




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433 Reviews

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Reviews: 433

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Thu Jan 09, 2014 11:15 pm
TakeThatYouFiend wrote a review...



I think if I review much more of your poetry my brain will go pop.
Firstly I would like to say you have picked the perfect title for this work, nice and snappy, attracts the reader, adds to the poem as a whole, and made me think of Serano de Begeraque (I hope we have spelt this right)
The freeform rhyme scheme is one of my favorites, right next to structured. Huzzah!
May your mind grow ever stranger,
Take That You Fiend!




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88 Reviews

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Reviews: 88

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Mon Sep 30, 2013 3:00 pm
whitewolfpuppy wrote a review...



Hey there, I'm Onyx and I will be reviewing your poetry today. :)

Over all
Over all, I loved it! I think you did a great job with your structure. I love the descriptions as well. :D

Critiques
Alright, I did notice that you rarely have any punctuation in the first verse or phrase. I don't know if you intended on that or it was a mistake that they did not get transferred over from your original work. (Again, this is just me. It looked a little awkward when I just glanced at it.)

Now I do see a problem, from my point of view.

I am caught, in a tangled web
Of misfortune.

I don't see the idea of putting the comma between "caught" and "in" in this sentence. I believe that it should not be there. When I read it, it looked a little weird, to me.

That mad look in my eyes,
That gleam of despair.
That cloud of confess.

Right here you can take out the period at the end of "despair" and just add a comma like you had done at the end of "my eyes" only because that will be alright. It will be a literary technique that repeats the word "that". The literary technique is called, Anaphora. Which it basically the repetition of a word, phrase, or clause at the beginning of word groups occurring one after the other.

I can see flame
I can see pain

Here I would put a comma between "flame" and "I" of the next line. Again, that is just me reading it and it looking weird to my eyes.

Conclusion
So, that is what I saw from your poetry. Though I may or may not be right, I think that would help it read better. Again, you don't have to use these at all, these are just my opinions and what not. If you have any questions why I mentioned something, feel free to message me. :) Other than that, keep on writing! I can't wait to read some more from you!
~Onyx




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667 Reviews

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Reviews: 667

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Mon Sep 30, 2013 2:21 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



Knight Malachi here to review for KotGR
So this poem was very well written, very well described and had a lot of metaphoric language in it which was good, but it seemed kind of depressing. Like you, trying to stand against everybody else's insanity did not prevail, and you fell with them. I don't know if that is exactly what you were trying to write, but that is what I understood.
Now, having the one phrase you always com back too really helped this poem, and as for your note, I had already figured that out. But still wise to put it in there. Although maybe it would go better at the top, so people could see it before they read it.
I saw no technical errors.
Keep it up!





Veni, vidi, scripsi ~ I came, I saw, I wrote
— steampowered