VERSE ONE:
These almond eyes
are flickering,
like broken comets in the noon.
A broken heart
is filled with sand;
a scarlet desert dune.
VERSE TWO:
I look around with mirthful sighs
and fall into a frozen ice-scape
where lost hopes cannot sing.
These dizzy roundabouts
are spiral heartbeats;
a fragmented final fling.
CHORUS:
And we're falling, churning, hurtling.
We're falling in circles, you don't even know.
We're falling, churning, hurtling,
And every spiral heartbeat is a rampant blow.
Oh, we're falling,
falling,
falling.
VERSE THREE:
Spiral heartbeats please don't break me,
These banisters are creaking through.
And these sharp turns wither through me,
We're dizzy and we never even knew.
((We're dizzy and we never even knew.))
VERSE FOUR:
Life's a metal gymnasium;
we're fractured tears bouncing off the walls.
Heartache is a spiral staircase
and our melodies echo through these halls.
((Our melodies echo through these halls.))
VERSE FIVE:
Every breath I breathe
is an oxidized ruin
that saps my light away.
These convex circles
are concave clefts
depression painted gray.
CHORUS:
And we're falling, churning, hurtling.
We're falling in circles, you don't even know.
We're falling, churning, hurtling,
And every spiral heartbeat is a rampant blow.
Oh, we're falling,
falling,
falling.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello Tuesday here for a review.
to suggest here, in the first stanza maybe a comma? You don't have to take this into consideration, just a little suggestion. Give it a breath almost when the reader is reading it or something. Also I enjoyed the imagery in this chuck more than anything else in the rest of the poem. It is like a tie to the whole poem and the metaphor could be in this chuck.I like to begin that I enjoyed the imagery you used in this poem, mostly because as I read on (or the reader itself) they can see the spiraling staircase down towards the point you are making. Also I liked the chorus part; almost like a song
which I think it is. Also the meaning of this could relate to people with heartache since they too feel what you arr writing.A few things I like to point out (but you don't have to take as itself).
As Blue said before, "mirthful" in the second verse doesn't seem to match what else you have written. Seems more of a sad feelings throughout the poem than a happiness feelings or rather sighs, in this case.
Overall, I think this is a lovely poem you have written and hope to review more of your work.
Farewell,
Tuesday
Hi there! I apologize because this is going to be a short review and I know long reviews are more fun for everyone.
You've got some really good imagery going on here, although I think the first verse doesn't really mesh with the title and the other verses. The other verses get more into the spiral staircase and images of the manmade/metal/things like that, but the first verse is all "desert" and "moon" and suchlike, which doesn't really fit with the other images.
Also, the word "mirthful" doesn't fit at all in verse two..."mirthful" means "happy," and based on the rest of the verses I'm guessing you probably don't mean "happy" sighs.
Blue
*applause* Huzzah! I wonder what it means...
The rhythm is excellent, as always, and I like the established verse pattern.
Yet another amazing poem, although methinks it could be regarded better classified as lyrics than a poem, cause it's lyrical an' all!
Another minor criticism, why have you labeled the verses and chorus? Twas slightly distracting, if you take my meaning.
This was however great, and I would be interested to know what it means.
Fare thee well,
Take That You Fiend!