She sits in the darkest of corners,
and in the lankest of moods.
She refuses to ever listen
as she just sits there and broods.
"Are you OK? Are you well?
Want me to walk you home?"
But she just waves her hand -- a casual
flick of the wrist, and replies:
"I'm alright."
She stands at the brink of a precipice,
and her eyes gleam with bloodlust and hatred.
She won't lose her temper; she won't lose her cool,
but you see her soul; all inky-black and tainted.
"Are you OK? Are you well?
Want me to walk you home?"
But she just stares you down, an intense
glow in her eyes, and replies:
"Never been better."
She screams at the walls and you swear you see them cower.
And her words bleed and strike you like sacks of sand.
She draws her breath in and waits, then looks at you with distaste,
but you want her to know that you understand.
"Are you OK? Are you well?
Want me to walk you home?"
But she just weeps against your shoulder,
like a wreck, like a river.
The uncertainty floods out of her,
and you see her lips quiver,
as she replies,
"I'm not so sure anymore,
I'm not so sure."
The ghost of the girl dances through your dreams,
and she smiles at you so your heart ceases to beat.
You miss her and you cry, you feel the world fade as you fly,
the darkness engulfs you and it feels so darn sweet.
"Are you OK? Are you well?
Want me to walk you home?"
And she just hugs you, and holds you, and smiles,
like a thousand blazing fireworks filling up the sky.
Together you cry, lost in a land of blood,
until your eyes run completely dry.
Then she replies,
"I'm alright, now that you're here.
I'm home."
She says she's finally home.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,218 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Timmy to leave you a review!
This was so beautiful, so perfect. I want to critique something, truly, but what is there to critique? The flow was perfect, the story was just amazing! I love songs(this is a song, right?) that actually tell a story, and don't just have a lot of yelling. This one is really beautiful.
This song has a story. A story about change. A story where the character begins as one tough, able to carry her own life... And at the end she realizes that she needs more than just herself to survive, which is something that happens to us all... So I absolutely adore the subject. I don't understand why this didn't make it to spotlight!
I found one tteeeeensie tiny nitpick. lol
Well, this is embarrassing. I have scoured over the entire thing several more times and I just can't find it! Oh, well... wasn't that big, anyway.
Keep writing songs like this! Because you, my friend, are an amazing writer at just about everything.
~Timmyjake
Aww, thanks Tim! This really made my day!
And yes, it's a song. Though I can't sing to save my life. Lol. >.<
Thanks for the review! Do you need anything reviewing? For review day, I mean.
Hmmm... you could review my humor thingy, if you really wanted to.
Haha, I've saved a draft on it and I'll review it tomorrow. For review day! *raises sword*
I thought this was very beautiful.
I will be honest, it's a little long and repeats itself a few times, but it's not a book, so I think that's all right.
"The ghost of the girl dances through your dreams,
and she smiles at you so your heart ceases to beat.
You miss her and you cry, you feel the world fade as you fly,
the darkness engulfs you and it feels so darn sweet."
This part is definitely the highlight of the poem. The first line is great, as it really puts that image into your head of not being able to get her out of your head. I am a bit confused, as the last two reviewers said, about the exact ending of the poem, whether the girl is dead and the guy dies to meet her. That's the impression I get, and if that's what you were trying to convey, brilliant! Very well done, very sweet.
Thank you Pompadour!
You hit the nail on the head. Hard. That's exactly what it's meant to convey. XD Thanks for the review!
Hey Pompadour, Subtle here for a review for this fine, and non-cliché poem! If this is your first go at romance poetry, than let me tell you this. You've done a mighty good job of it, and it is not cliché at all. I actually had to read this through twice before fully understand the poem. I will be truly honest, after reading it through twice. I'm still not sure, is this about a broken-hearted girl finding new love again? Or is has the girl died, and when her lover finally dies. She feels 'at home'? I'm sorry, I'm terrible at interpreting poems. Nonetheless, I found this poem unique, beautifully written and truly deserves some praise.
Some technical things:
The rhythm in this poem is consistent, which is a good thing as it makes it more enjoyable to read. However, as I read through the poem. I noticed one stanza that seemed out of place.
I just feel a bit out of rhythm while reading this stanza, because the sentences are so long and it doesn't quite fit in with the rest of the poem. Perhaps you could get rid of some of the unnecessary words in this stanza? Is just a suggestion, that is all.
I love the repetition of this between each stanza, it highlights the uncertainty and the loneliness the girl feels. It also empathizes how helpless she feels, as if no one understands her. If it what this is meant to do ?
Oh how I love that stanza, the imagery, the language everything you have written there is wonderful. Especially that sentence I bolded, I love that sentence because the two different halves rhymes with each other.
Great great poem! Best of luck in your future writings!
-S.s
Thanks for the review! :3