A/N: This just kind of wrote itself right now, and I've dubbed it as "formal lyrics."
***
I've been fading
into a thousand prism hopes
that divide
like a conquered jet-pack hoax.
And every time
the hourglass tips the scale,
these flower beds are hurricanes
that erupt in a diamond hail.
So wipe the world away,
bedrock's an emotionless song.
And sing the sky to sleep,
the star-searchers won't take long.
The ground is a velvet mass
conjured from depths of utter decay,
and we're digging through these mineralized roots,
hoping everything's OK.
We're mineralized,
the mountains are made of mercury,
We're mineralized,
rolling through topaz gravity.
We're mineralized,
and we're shaking to the core.
And I swear our tears are made of quartz
because they weren't red before.
These tracks are amethysts and jewels,
gasoline that crude oil cracks.
They mock us open, like harlequin fuels
and tear through our splintered backs.
And the coke burns us up
until every breath we breathe
is a carbon-filled isotope
that just never seems to want to leave.
We're mineralized,
sew a patch on the stone-work ground,
We're mineralized,
these Rigs are sea-storms unbound.
We're mineralized,
and we've turned into fossilized dismay.
I swear we're sampling flame-work fumes
because our hearts are made of clay.
The world is breaking open,
the diggers are forgetting how to dream.
The world is a gypsum gymnasium,
a bituminous lignite seam.
The roads are made of glass,
the walls are made of steel,
and everything's an elemental chaos
so the green's darkened to teal.
We're mineralized,
so solder us to bits,
and maybe nature will heed our call
and we can call it quits.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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128,885 Literary Works • 671,499 Reviews
Timmyjake here to write you a review!
So this was realllllllyyyyyy good! This review will be written with my alter-ego completely under control, so NOWORRIES!!
This would make an awesome song and I love your chorus!! You entire poem/lyrics is so flowing and beautifully written, I don't know what to critique. I will try hard, though!
To me, this is one of the only places that doesn't flow as well. I think its the second and third line that does it. Maybe,
Into a thousand prism(s)
hopes that divide, etc? Just a suggestion. Don't take it as gospel!
I think that what I just mentioned is my only critique on here. It almost seems to me like this was written about fossil fuels, but correct me if I am wrong. It was beautifully written! And no, it didn't write itself. It took a lot of talent to put that on paper! Happy writing!
~Timmyjake
Hi there, Dream with a quick review on your awesome poem!
First of all, I think I need to spend some time to review your poem. Thinking about how wisely the way you play words makes me a little dizzy! You really impressed me. The first thing I noticed is that you are trying to form some rhythm at the end of a line in your poem. It's a chance to make your poem sounds good and wise to use in free verse poem.
The metaphors and similes seem to make the poem interesting but at the same time can confuse the reader. Readers may rebel to think deeply about the meaning you want to portray. Just be careful with that.
This is my favorite part in your poem. I could feel how hard it is to walk on the road that is made of glass with steel walls. It is as fragile and disaster. However, the final verse lack a deep impression to me.
Overall, the poem can still be arranged to be clear and neat. Each stanza should display a different point so that it does not seem like a bombastic rhetoric on it. Keep it up!
Kudos, cheers.
I don't know where to start with this piece.
The way you use language is somewhat remarkable.
'The world is a gypsum gymnasium,
a bituminous lignite seam.'
When you say this piece practically writes itself, I'm not so sure... there is such eloquent control over the wording here, I think you have chosen perfectly what appears in this work.
I love it.
Great job, very interesting concept and an enjoyable read.
Well done.