She was the last blooming flower
that haunted the wasteland woods;
her misty breath clung to each hour,
like teardrops trailing an ivy trellis.
Dripping down to the ground where the faeries whisper
amongst themselves of opaque things,
to the left of the brook where twilight strikes moonshine
a nonchalant lake strummed the sky's shafted flings.
It was there that she died.
The woods whisper her name.
You could call it a tragedy,
but it was more than just a game.
An ivory sheet hung low over her brow;
a black the light bleached so it shone.
She was dazzling, the trees tell us so,
but now only dust marks the path she has flown.
Stabbed into the crust by the wild's raven calls!
You can hear the winds wither; her lament they sing.
Lost in the brambles, amongst cluttered caterwauls,
for these woodsy nights blot out everything.
It is the woods where the fear thrives,
all sodden and bleak.
All these solitary trails we wish for,
that run through us a streak.
It is there that we run,
it is there that we hide.
But the woods canvas more
than just verdure inside...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hello Pompadour,
This is Magenta here to review your poem, Strolls of the Solitary, which you have submitted on this glorious review day. You use grew description throughout the entire poem which gives the reader beautiful imagery.
"She was the last blooming flower
that haunted the wasteland woods;
her misty breath clung to each hour,
like teardrops trailing an ivy trellis.
Dripping down to the ground where the faeries whisper
amongst themselves of opaque things,
to the left of the brook where twilight strikes moonshine
a nonchalant lake strummed the sky's shafted flings."
This is my favorite stanza out of the whole poem. I love how you are able to write about nature but have the meaning behind it as well. This is clearly the work of a very skilled person. It seems as if the poem is about a person but this person is represented through nature and the beauty of it.
"a nonchalant lake strummed the sky's shafted flings."
I'm not sure if nonchalant is that good of a word to use as a description. I understand that you want it to be a peaceful and lovely setting but this usually describes a person. It also doesn't sound like a lake-like word. I would have written serene or maybe docile waters. Actually, not docile. I don't, you'll come up with something!
Nonchalant- feeling or appearing casually calm and relaxed; not displaying anxiety, interest, or enthusiasm
"a black the light bleached so it shone."
I would reread this sentence/line. I would change "so it shone". This is the past and past participle of shine. You wouldn't want to say so it showed either. I'm not sure but I would consider changing this...
Other than that, good job with this! I hope to see some more of your poetry here.
~ Magenta
Hi! This is lovely! You use fantastic imagery all throughout the poem!
That being said, there are a few things I'd like to address that could be improved.
The first stanza is fantastic. Beautiful. Wonderful. It drew me in and made me wonder.
After that, the poem gets a bit... well, it goes off the wonderful path a little bit.
The first line made me shake my head. YOu have all that lovely imagery, and then you have this ugly blunt statement. Don't tell me she died. Tell me that she drifted into oblivion or something. Make it pretty, like the rest of the piece. The rhyme scheme in this stanza made me cringe. It's sing-songy and needs to have a slant rhyme instead of what you've got going on. Also, what was more than just a game? Her life? Don't state the obvious.
Yo, I might be stupid, but I'm not really getting it. If you're trying to say that ivory was once black, that's interesting, but it doesn't really do much for the poem. Also, I don't know what ivory walls you're talking about. These lines just make me go ????
The meter of this line throws off the meter of the rest of the stanza. Make sure you're making the number of syllables per line similar to the rest of them to combat this kind of thing. If they are similar, look at the stresses on the line. You have three stresses in a row near the end of the line (blot out ev) and it throws the whole line off. Also, (personal preference time) I don't think woodsy fits in there. It's a gross word anyway, and this poem deserves prettier than that.
The poem feels like it doesn't have an ending. I'd mention the female figure again to tie it all together.
I hope that this proves useful to you. Happy writing!
Wow - what beautiful imagery! You're really good with metaphors, I can tell. The vocabulary is lovely as well (ha, it rhymes!) and the theme is haunting and eerie, but also very beautiful. I only feel that this poem could be improved in terms of flow. For example:
"She was the last blooming flower
that haunted the wasteland woods;
her misty breath clung to each hour,
like a teardrop steeling itself for the fall."
The last line there doesn't seem to belong. I think adding a rhyme isn't necessary, but you could remove the word "like" or remove a couple syllables in some other way - it's a bit of a mouthful.
~
By the way, I LOVE this part -
"Dripping down to the ground where the faeries whisper
amongst themselves of opaque things,
to the left of the brook where twilight strikes moonshine
a nonchalant lake strummed the sky's shafted flings."
~
"It was there that she died.
The woods whisper her name.
You could call it a tragedy,
but it was more than just a game."
Consider removing "just" - same issue as the other stanza I was talking about.
~
"Lost in the brambles, amongst the cluttered caterwauls,
for these woodsy nights blot out everything."
The first line there is also quite wordy. You could do something like this - "Lost in the brambles, 'mongst cluttered caterwauls..."
~
And I adore the last stanza - chilling, like someone's whispering in your ear. This is a marvelous piece of writing.
Thanks for the review! I made a few edits.
You're welcome