I can see the luster
That shines past the skylight,
A million miles away.
I can see the globe of the moon and the stars,
As the planets creak and sway.
I can see the unearthed shimmering fortunes
Of golden sand in the dusk.
I can see the flickers of dandelion rivers,
Broken by the sun's hard husk.
I can see the winds
Sparring with the clouds,
In a haze of mist and rain.
I can see the detached frozen cubes,
That the sky's love could not retain.
Past the wonders of the moon,
And the bleeding of the sun,
Lies another world
Transfixed by this one.
It hasn't moved away for the last few billion years
It's formed a canvassed dome
To our rainbow-streaked home
And filled it with crystallized tears.
I can see the blanket of waves and spray,
Of the patchwork quilt that's sewn up there.
A star learns to disappear every day,
And another one builds a trapeze to here.
You don't need to close your eyes
To travel: there's a world above you.
Crystal clear, no bronzed-brown lies,
The sky is calling and it'll know you
In the moment it takes a heart to realize
That there's a singeing call to the world's metallic cries.
You can see the crackles of the dew,
The songs of long-lost ends,
They shimmer violet in the midnight-blue,
And tell you to bring your friends.
You can see the hark of the sunset,
A daze of light as it combusts.
You can see your silver linings,
That dive away into the gusts.
Past the heartache of the pavements,
And the dreary candles of the Main,
Lies another world
Captured by this one's terrain;
It's hasn't moved away for the last few billion years,
It's painted clear and free,
No grime-shackled reality,
And stays despite or persistent fears.
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137,562 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
I really appreciated your imagery here; no abstractions, concrete and tangible images. nice. I'm just wondering if the rhyme scheme here is working for you. It's very irregular and kinda forced, like someone already said. Also, it might be super awesome if you picked one image to kinda stand above the rest; something that grounds the poem and brings it back in the end. Recurring images are the strongest, and there's something to be said for the effect repetition has. Otherwise, I thought it was strong. Nice job!
Hey there, mystical magical wizard of oz who posts work on review day!
I'm gonna pop on in here with a review courtesy of the Knights of the Green Room!
Now, here's what I really, really like about this piece: you bring a lot of texture and imagery to this idea. I love the idea of the sun having a hard husk on the gold rivers, or the sun bleeding. I love the colors you bring out: the purple midnight of space and this shining colorlessness of a dome.
I think my favorite line is this:
What's incredibly awesome about this line is that in as big a place as space, which you're writing about, a sound just goes and goes forever (or so we might imagine), and so this creaking paired with the swaying motion on such a grand scale is a really lovely image to sink in to.
The problem is that I think you've based these bits of imagery around some kind of narrative or world introduction that doesn't come across quite clearly enough. There's a trapeze? There's a dome? The other world hasn't moved away, but ours is bad? I'm not quite sure of the parameters, though I am definitely intrigued. I mean, at the same time just introducing it could be enough -- but you'd have to explain or expand on something else to make it satisfactory. Right now it just seems like an introduction instead of a standalone poem.
The other thing you need to look out for is forced rhymes. They really throw off the rhythm and confidence of your poem. For example: "captured by the world's complain". You're trying to rhyme with Main, yeah, but complain is a verb, and then how can that be in a possessive? You can absolutely play with language in a poem, but there is a line that, when you cross it, readers start disbelieving you!
So~ I'd say take another comb through this. Rewrite the moments that don't work with the rhyme and highlight the images so that we might see if this world is actually reachable by our present Earth reality!
Let me know if you have any questions/comments.
Good luck, and keep writing!
Hi, Hannah! =D Yeah, the last few verses were kind of forced, but I've tried editing them, and I hope they're better! Actually, the imagery wasn't supposed to make sense. What I kind of meant by dome though, was the idea that we're encased within these boundaries of the world, but they give this... illusion, I guess, that we're not. They want to show us that we can actually travel beyond the boundaries of these two worlds of land and sky. I didn't mean anything literal by trapeze. It's just that when the stars twinkle and shine brighter, or when a new star is born, the sky seems more alive. So that brought me towards the thought of a trapeze. There wasn't really a purpose behind this poem, it was just a string of fancies. I don't normally vent off steam or such through poetry, and I just wanted to put my dreams and ideas into words. An intro it shall be then! I thought vaguely about how it's amazing that even though the world's changed so much to form this desperate planet we know it to be, there's still life that thrives among the clouds - a sign that our world is still the same world, and maybe there's hope for us yet.
Thanks so much for the review! I really appreciate it!
~Pompadour
hey there, Knight Cailey here with a review on this lovely, if long, review day.
But this is also just really good.
Happy review day! Keep writing!
I like this poem a lot, there is tons of imagery and details and description- all things that I look for in poetry. I don't like telling people that they need to add more, so I love that I don't need to say anything about it to you because you got that part down.
I know this doesn't necessarily have to do with the poem, but I think you could find a more fitting title. The one you have right now doesn't seem to fit with the poem as well as it could. I would suggest that you find a title that reflects the poem more. Take some of that imagery in your piece and add it to your title.
Other than that, I don't have much reviewing here. Partly I've been reviewing a lot of novels and short stories, so it's strange to go back to reviewing poetry, and a little bit harder to find critiques.
Let me know if you have any questions or comments, and I hope this was at least encouraging if not helpful.
-Knight Cailey
Thanks so much! I actually couldn't think of a good title for this at all because it was so random and I just typed it down on a whim. I thought "I can see" would sound like Barney, and I outgrew purple dinosaurs a long time ago. How does "luster" sound for a title?
I love encouragement. ^_^ It makes me feel not completely useless. Haha.
Thanks again!
~Pompadour
Luster is a better title.
And yeah- I can see is a bit dinosaurish.
No writers are useless. and I like giving encouragement. I think it's important. 
And you're welcome!
Hello Pompadour!
Thank you for posting a poem! I haven't been able to review any poems at all today and I've been craving one! You clearly enjoy rhyme and that's really fun, because people generally love rhyme!
I'm not much of a fan, personally, which just means I can notice when the rhyme doesn't seem to be working out. You switch around the order of your rhyming scheme which means that you have say an abab scheme in one stanza and then a ccde scheme later on. This means that we are forced to check our rhythm and slow down accordingly. Try to regulate your rhyme. If you're finding it hard to find good words to rhyme with, try not rhyming at all. Sometimes I think that non-rhyming poems are much easier to take seriously, because they don't have the sing-song quality a lot of rhyming poems have. Also, take out "skylight" cause the repetition of light fits weirdly. Try "glass" instead.
You have super lovely imagery! I like that you're having fun and providing some nice contrasting images and pushing past them to keep the poem moving. You might want to consider cutting some of them out, however, because this poem does feel somewhat longer than it actually needs to be. We spend so much time moving through the 'I can see" that we start to not care so much what is being seen, we just want to move straight through to the important stuff, you know? So try and have a little bit more of that content, the story and meaning, rather than just pretty images.
Thanks for giving poetry a go! I absolutely love to read it!
-Penguin
I meant for this poem to be just "pretty images" actually. That's what it was, instead of having a strong purpose. It's kind of lyrical. But I've written other non-rhyming stuff if you'd like to check it out. =)
Thanks for reviewing!
~Pompadour