The wind howls to lament the sorrows
That people are too weak to endure.
The rain washes away all the heartache and the stains
Of yesterday.
But loss burns deeper than wounds,
Wounds that shall live tomorrow,
Wounds that shall never heal.
The battle had died the previous morning,
As had one other brave soul, all draped in red.
The battle is over, but another war has begun;
Somewhere, a dreaded telegram has been read.
Somewhere sadness has murdered the harmony of nights;
Grief-stricken - the world is a "globe" and man is a kite,
That has fallen to the ground in despair.
The funeral is simple, many tears are shed
In the midst of the mourning for a man who is dead;
He was somebody's son, somebody's pride,
He was some country's soldier who was meant to have died.
He was somebody's husband, somebody's father-to-be,
Somebody's friend, somebody's glee,
But he is none of those anymore.
He is somebody's heartache, somebody's dear.
His loss had been a constant fear.
He is somebody's anguish, someone's mottled soul,
Somebody's past, someone's "before."
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Timmy here for a review!
I started this review quite a few weeks ago, but never finished it for some strange reason that only my keyboard remembers. Perhaps it will come to me one day... I think it was an enemy called laziness, but it could have been the side affects of NIB's.
Nitpicks
The entire poem has a distinct flow to it and I think this line breaks that flow because it doesn't fit in with the rest because the second portion is wayyy to short compared to everything else.
I guess my only other nitpick would be the use of "somebody." Now I am not saying that I love your repetition and I think it works beautifully, but "somebody" just doesn't... I don't know. Maybe I am just being paranoid over everything now. A classic perfectionist. Oh well, guess I will just inflict it on you. hee-hee. Would "someone" work better than "somebody"
Faving time and Style
So this was an amazing poem... I love how you never name the soldier, and he remains anonymous to us. And yet to me he isn't anonymous. The way you portray him in your poem makes it so that I come to know him without even meeting him. Its an amazing thing you accomplished.
This whole poem is very sad and tugs on those heartstrings. (They're around here somewhere)
I think my favorite part would have to be...
Some wounds will never heal. Some will remain with us forever, lingering... Like Frodo's!
Awesome poetry! Looking forward to another one...
~Darth Timmyjake
I started reading this with nerves of steel to face the random onslaught that is Pompa-poetry (tm), and I am surprisingly surprised to see a surprisingly heart-stirring poem.
The classic rhyming style is one of my favourites, and it matches perfectly the subject matter (I don't know why).
The rhymes are fine, and there are no half rhymes or forced rhymes.
The last few lines were very nice, with the repeated "somebody's,", driving you point across with repetition.
Hope This Helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Pompa-poetry? XD Nice.
Thanks for the review!
Knight Dragon, here to review on this glorious Review Day!
Technical:
"The battle is over, but another war has begun;" Now, a semi-colon is technically proper there, but it feels better with a period. Replace that, read over it, and you'll see what I mean. Especially with the punctuation pattern you've established up to this point.
"Somewhere sadness has murdered the harmony of nights;" You could actually use a comma there and be fine. It'd actually tie it (no pun intended) to the next line better than this break caused by the semi-colon.
"Somebody's past, someone's "before."", what does "someone's before" mean? That's the only confusing part of this poem.
I loved the idea of this monument to the nameless soldier kind of idea. It's nice to see that the anonymous are still recognized, even if we never really knew them. Everybody deserves some recognition. Good job, and keep it up.
Hope this helps! Happy Review Day!
Hey! I am gonna review this amazing piece you have written.
I loved this stanza as I started reading it
"The wind howls to lament the sorrows
That people are too weak to endure.
The rain washes away all the heartache and the stains
Of yesterday."
Though the last line of this should be - "of yesterday" Capitalizing the Of is not necessary as the previous line does not stop with a full stop.
Like this lines too "Wounds that shall live tomorrow,
Wounds that shall never heal."
OVERALL- GOOD POEM WITH A GOOD THEME . NEEDS SOME MORE IMPROVEMENT.
ADVICE- KEEP GOING. RECHECK YOUR POEM FOR MISTAKES.
REGARDS
HAPPY REVIEW DAY!
Maia here! This is a really touching poem, you have really captured the sadness of a soldiers death and the morning of those who knew him. Your rhyming is a bit funny in the first stanza but it is great in the last stanza. I love it at the end how you list all the things he would have, or could have, been.
This is sad, but very honoring poem of all those who have died in the service. You explain the whole story very well, your last paragraph is really good, and sad too.
Your rhyming confuses me though. The first stanza has no rhyming, the second has the rhyme red and read, it kind of works, but the same-sounding words aren't the best for poems. You have another rhyme, then comes stanza 3 and every pair of lines rhyme.
Now, it doesn't really disrupt the flow of the story too much, but I would suggest maybe trying to make either more, or less of the lines rhyming. It's a good poem.
Keep it up!
This was really good. I thought that you broke up your stanzas well, and that none of them seemed even the slightest bit off.
Your punctuation, grammar, and spelling were excellent.
The only thing that you can really improve on would be some slight revision to the last stanza. There are times when you seem to be going for a small rhyme scheme,
But then you just sort of abandon it.
I have to admit I'm a little torn over this one. I would like to see you change it because I think that doing so would improve your technicality, but at the same time I feel that if you did change it you would lose the wonderful, raw emotion of this piece. Eh, it's up to you as the author. I'm just here to make suggestions.
A lot of my family has been in the military, and though thankfully none of my close family has died, I have lost distant relatives, or my friends have lost relatives who were soldiers. I can kind of understand where you're coming from, and that makes this even more awesome to me.
Peace,
HT
wow! dats wonderfull , but yu just need some more effort for here nd der oderwise its perfect..
wow! dats wonderfull , but yu just need some more effort for here nd der oderwise its perfect..