A/N: Don't ask me why I did this because I am in my 'dumb moment'. I am in love making dumb stories and sometimes things that hit my mind. So if you want to review this with a face palm , please just leave a comment and I will explain it to you.
Me(in a French voice)- Hi, my sweet lady. I see that you are a quiet type...I like it. You have some nice brown lips, beautiful yellow cheese and purple ham teeth, and lovely, green eyes. How about I give you a nice, wonderful kiss?
The sandwich-.....
Me- I guess that a yes. [Pick the sandwich up and kiss it. Put my tongue in the sandwich to taste the mayo]
(Sister came in with a unpleasant face)
Sister- Pinkie?
Me- Hmm?
Sister: What the hell are you making out with a sandwich?
Me-[Looking at the sandwich and then at Sister] Uh....kissing lesson?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Wow! Nice job! When I first read this, I didn't understand, but after I reread, it was pretty humorous. Two items you might want to edit:
Sister: What the hell are you making out with a sandwich?
You might want to change it to:
Sister: What the hell?! Are you making out with a sandwich?
and also you might want to change the colon to what else you have been using:
Sister:
It should be
Sister-
Just to keep it consistent.
Apart from that, I think this piece is wonderful!
Nothing to say other than: Awesome job!
i laughed really hard at this silly and wonderful script of yours. No descriptions are needed to understand this short, but yet wonderfully creative story. Good job.
FredrikGjerdingen
*Face plant* I'm laughing way too hard to review this! Bloody brilliant!
Hey there! Scarlet here, as you know It's review day.
You know what that means, time to review!
Nitpicks first...
None! Great job!
This was hilarious! I loved it! Humorous in so many ways.
I wouldn't wanna kiss a ham and cheese sandwich though. Maybe tuna or PB&J.
You did a great job with the grammar and punctual and I salute you. I also hope you'll continue writing.
The next time I make a sandwich I'll make sure to kiss it first.
Sincerely, Scarlet; Member of #0000BF ">Team Aqua!
clubs/1983 - #0000FF ">Team Aqua Headquarters
Hey, PinkieGirl13! Happy Ultimate Pokemon Awesomeness Review Day!
Here, I think you should use two sentences. Or a comma.
"What the hell are you making out with a sandwich?"
Other than that, I loved this, and the dialogue was awesome and funny. I laughed while I was reading this an yes, I did facepalm. Happy Ultimate Pokemon Awesomeness Review Day again!
Hey again! Goodness I laughed so hard at this short story! I've no idea where you got the idea to write this, and I'm not too sure that I do want to know, but it's a nice little joke piece.
Okay so for the little errors I am going to put the corrections in capitals...
It needs to be "I guess that'S a yes."
PickS UP the sandwich and kissES it.
PutS my tongue in the sandwich.
My sister COMES in with aN unpleasant face.
What the hell, (don't forget the comma)...
...at MY sister.
Okay so don't get discouraged because I know it seems like a lot of mistakes, but really they're just typos and can be easily fixed.
Overall you did a great job and made me laugh!
Hello once more, my darling!
First of all, just so you know, you can have formatting so your author's note is in spoiler tags so that people who only want to read the story have that chance. Some people don't enjoy reading author's notes, or they prefer to read the entire thing first before they go back to read the author's notes.
Secondly, this idea has some potential as humor, but it's very short, and it could easily be overlooked for something with more substance. If you expanded this into something larger, people might be more inclined to receive it well as humorous. You obviously have a funny line in "my sweet lady".
However, a general tip for scripts is to set the scene, so that you have a general idea of where things are taking place. At the moment, you could be making out with this sandwich at the top of Mt Everest, or at the bottom of the sea. I don't have any basis for where you are or what's going on around you - you could be in the middle of trench warfare, or in a romantic lake scene with the sandwich, in a Venetian gondola... the possibilities are endless. As well, it's a little unfair of you to say your sister comes in "with a unpleasant face", because that's using her appearance to characterize her, not her actions. She can come in with a "skeptical" face or an "unsure" face, but "unpleasant" is taking it a bit far.
Hey, yo, Pinkiegirl13! Strangelove here again on this PokeReview Day and I have a quick review for you!
I found this to be quite interesting. It's really odd, to be honest. I understand how this is one of those weird short plays/script/whatever this breed is called, and it was weird. I understand how this can be funny, but wasn't there.
This isn't how you would write a script, first off. The actions, how you propose the dialogue, it just isn't there
*Gags*
Well, I have nothing else much to say, so have a good day
Good job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.
#TeamPlasmaStruck
KatyaElefant here for another review! Oh and happy review day! I'm nice and fresh and sure to give you a nice and juicy review! Let us see what we have here!
MUHAHA!
NITPICK:
"Sister: What the hell are you making out with a sandwich?"
There should be a comma after the word hell (ughh. cussing XD)
There is only one thing that I can see that you can improve on and that is the length. I think that the length is great but part of me wants to see more! MORE! MORE! (the inner baby me is crying out). You could have made this a little bit more longer so that I can read more and more and more!
This piece is very humorous. I think it should not be under General, General, but rather under Humor. We all have these moments when we think that no one is looking when we are making out with our sandwiches XD Then someone walks in and you are doing that. The imagery is superb! Great job with this! One thing that I must say to you is that don't always assume we are going to hate your stories! Think positive! If someone is a jerk, just call me over, i'll punch them in the face! 0-0 Great script, I really enjoyed it! Keep writing!
by Team Rocket.
I needed some humor on this site, and this play gave it to me. I can imagine this as a skit somehow. Like, if I were to show this to my old acting teacher, he would make copies and make the class pair up and perform this. The last line killed me though. I have to say that you did a good job. I wish there were more skits like these. I would love to read them. I admit that I facepalmed a bit, but that was only because I was laughing so hard. I did find two things that you should edit though, just for grammar's sake.
"...nice, brown lips, beautiful, yellow cheese, purple, ham teeth, and lovely, green eyes."
"Why the hell are you making out with a sandwich?"
And that's it. I'm sorry that this is short, but this is all I can say.
Hey, Geo here, and I actually laughed at this script. I liked the randomness of this scene as well, and random moments is something we all have. Ha, was this real?
Favorite part:"Me- I guess that a yes. [Pick the sandwich and kiss it. Put my tongue in the sandwich to taste the mayo]"
Haha, that sounded so wrong but funny, you had a food loving moment, ( I have it all the time).
Overall, nice scene, and lucky sandwich.
Oh myy,
We all have our 'moments'.
I liked this! I liked the randomness of the scene, which makes no pretenses about its randomness. There is just no b-sing your way out of that.
You could actually throw in some French words into ze actual conversation, reinforce the moment...
Thank you for this, I shall now go make a sandwich... for reasons.