Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
A/N: I am very nervous of writing this things down. I am not a good author or making the sentences flow because I am new person. So here we go.
This is for Terrortory From ReisePiecey
Cherry Mel Jones
The night before the zombie apocalypse
I looked at the clock on the white wall, ticking as it passed through time. Today is November 23, 9:45 PM. My mind flowed the time of my parents' death of the car accident. They were driving down the road to get me home, but some blue car drove very out of control. My father stepped on the brake hard, but they crashed into the car as it became the big bomb. My tears slowly streamed down my face.
They're gone...I can't believe they're gone...
Heather came into the living room with a blanket for me. She put it on me gently and then sit with me.
"I can't believe they're gone," I said softly.
"It's going to be okay, Cherry. I am here with you anytime you need me," Heather replied with a smile.
"Are you sure?" I questioned shyly.
Heather put her hand on my shoulder. "Yes, I am, Cherry. On the next day, everything will be alright. No one will keep everything away from us tomorrow."
I smiled and hugged her. "Thanks, Heather..."
Heather left the living room and went upstairs to her bedroom. I laid down on the couch with my blanket and went to sleep. I stopped thinking about my parents and going to move on with my life. I still hear Heather's voice rang my ears.
On the next day, everything will be alright. No one will keep everything away from us tomorrow.
On the day of the zombie apocalypse
As my eyes were closed and shut, I heard moaning noises. I thought it was Heather because she always act like a zombie to scare me. I decided to ignore it. When it started to get louder, I finally woke up to face Heather with a mask. However, I didn't saw her in my face. I was started to get curious about the noises. As I walked pass the window, I saw people walking on our yard in the side of my right eye. I looked at the window and saw something different about these people. Some of their skin were torn off, their clothes were bloody, and how they walk strangely. I realized they are real zombies.
"Oh, shit..." I whispered to myself to not let the zombies notice me. However, one zombie saw me. I stepped back a little from the window before I dragged down the floor by someone. I screamed a little, but I was covered by a hand. Then, I saw Heather with her anger face.
"What the hell are you doing at the window?! They might find us, but now they know we're here!" whispered Heather.
Then, we heard the door began to break as the zombies continue to slam the down to get themselves in. I looked at Heather and she looked at me. She grabbed my hand as she pulled a gun. I don't know what the fuck is happening. I don't know how the zombies became to life. Heather dragged me to the stairs as the door is finally slammed open. The zombies saw us and walking toward us. I was terrified that I held on Heather tightly. She aimed the gun at them and starting shooting at them one by one. We kept on walking up the stairs as she continue shooting. We finally went toward the door, and I quickly opened it. I called her to hurry up. Heather's gun was starting to get out of bullets, and she stared at me and then at the zombies. She ran to the room quickly,and I closed the door as fast as I could. I looked at her, grasping for air.
"Heather, what is going on?! We have FUCKING ZOMBIES in our house! Tell me what is going on with this world," I said.
"Today....is zombie apocalypse. I heard it from the radio earlier while you're sleep. Here's what they say," Heather answered.
Heather put on the radio. It was static in many radio stations until we heard a woman's voice.
Today, we have zombies everywhere in this country. They are killing everyone in sight. Everyone, please be safe. Find shelter, food, and anything that you can use. Please...stay alive....
Then, the static appears after the woman finished her warning. I can't believe we have a zombie invasion. I am not ready for this moment. I am not ready! I am weak and have a great fear for zombies. However, I got Heather with me. She is a very good survivor in many situation. She will keep us to survive. Heather looked outside and saw something that got her idea.
"Hey, Cherry!" said Heather happily.
I looked at her confusedly.
"Look at this."
I went beside her and looked out the window. I saw our car sitting in front of the house. I turned to her and saw her smiled happily. I know this is a kind of a good, but a bad idea.
"Maybe we can get out from this window and get into the car. Anyway, I got the keys by the way," said Heather before she showed the keys.
Then, we heard the zombie slammed on the door again. We got worried again as we opened the door. Heather grabbed the knife from her pocket and gave it to me. It was little, but good for me to stab one. Finally, the door was slammed open and the zombie came to us. I went first to get out the window. I reached my hand to her.
"Come on!" I yelled.
Heather reached her hand, but she was pulled back from me by the zombie and was bitten. I screamed in fears as my tears streamed down my face.
"Cherry...Here..." Heather said her last word to me before throwing the keys to me.
I caught them with my hands. I stared at her as she stared at me with her green eyes. I sighed and jumped down to the yard. I wasn't hurt or nothing, but feared of being bitten by zombies. I ran to the car and opened it with a key. As I got in the car, the zombie came to me and grabbed my arm. I struggled to get it away from me until I stabbed it on its head with the knife. I got it off of my arm and closed the door. I started the car up and then drove off.
After the long drive
While I rode in a destroy town, the car was running out of gas. I tried to get it starting again, but it was completely out of gas. I kicked its tires and started walking for the search for supplies. I need to find more survivors like me to protect me from this hellhole. Anyone who is alive, please help me.
(This is very terrible, but it is my ideas for it)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello.
I don't necessarily think this is 'very terrible,' but it could use some editing.
So you are writing a story about a zombie apocalypse. Ok. That's not an original idea, but you could try and do something original with it.
According to what you've written above:
You have a rather cliche approach to the events. I have selected this line in particular because:
a) it explains the premise of the story
b) it contains unnecessary swearing and
c) If someone was panicking this much I doubt it would have a "I said." after it.
Which leads me to my point: this work is in need of some serious editing. It is by no means terrible, but it does need work. What I mean by this is:
a) you have the characters, but they aren't that really developed aside from being stereotypical people panicking about a zombie attack
b) you could take a more unique angle on this type of story if you wanted to and
c) some of the sentences just don't add up eg.
There's too much repetition and some of the details given can be quite boring.
You need to be more selective in writing a work about a well-covered topic. It seems this is just in the beginning stages, so there's editing to consider.
However, I must agree with previous reviews, that the character names are well chosen and that you are a good writer.
With editing, you will be a great one.
Keep writing
~R
The characters does need to be developed. This is for the SB. It is just doing fun like @ReisePiecey said on Terrortory.
Hello!
I am here to review your lovely zombie apocalypse story!
I love the names you chose! Cherry and Heather are very beautiful names. Zombie apocalypse stories are often hard to write (in my opinion), because you have ro describe the zombies' rotting flesh... I liked the fact that you had Heather be kind and caring, yet be able to shoot zombies without a second thought. She seemed like a interesting character. Shame that you killed her. (Though, you can kill any character you like. This is your story)
Before I go onto the nitpicks, I would like to say something. Please don't put yourself down, saying you're not a good author. You're better than some writers I know, and that says a lot. Everyone has trouble with getting their sentences to flow right. A lot of aspiring writers get their tenses mixed up, so don't worry. Last, but not least, no novel/short story/poem/script idea is terrible or horrible. Other people might have problems with it, but that does not make it terrible.
Nitpicks!
Hm... that flowed odd. Maybe: I thought back to the time of my parents' death. I call the time they died 'The Great Car Accident'. Or, My mind wandered to the time of my parents death. I shivered, they both died in a car accident.
While I love Heather, what purpose does she serve the plot? Was the reason of her death to choke tears out of the reader? In my honest opinion, I didn't feel a bit of sadness. Maybe if you kept Heather around longer, and developed her more, I would've felt something when she died.
I also had a small problem with the parents' death. Was that to make up feel bad for the character? I didn't feel much pity, then again, I don't really pity for people.
I can't wait for the next part!
Keep on typin'
Raven,
I agree with what Thewriter said, don't put yourself down. Keep your chin up and continue writing no matter what.
I rather enjoyed reading this
I'm not that great at giving criticism (odd, right? I'm here after all...) but I will say that it has pacing. It keeps a reader on their toes. And the suspense! What's going to happen to her? Will she survive? And so on!
Again, keep up the good work.
I'm just going to say this: don't ever put yourself down about your writing. You're a wonderful writer, so don't tell us you're not a good author. You're a very good author. We all need improvement (nobody's perfect) but that doesn't mean we should put ourselves down. Be happy and confident!