A/N: I am not a songwriter or poet. I am bad at those things so this is my first song. This will be a little choppy. Well, a lot.
-Scene: Toby or Tobuscus walks to find Jessica. Then, he finds her singing a song about Mary, who is her little sister. The song is sad to him as Jessica sings her feelings out into the song.
Oh, my dear little sister
The joy that you gave from the past
It gave me the light and happiness
Oh, my dear little sister
I missed you giving me that beautiful smile
Until you became my enemy
Oh, my dear little sister
Don't you understand
Everything you turned is into the darkness
Ooooh
Oooooh
Oh, my dear little sister
Please let everyone go
They don't need to die and suffer
Do you remember, my sister
The Love that you gave them
Come to the light and passion.
-This scene shows Mary and Jessica were dancing while the music is playing. Jessica was happy with Mary until the darkness took her as Jessica chased after her. Finally, Mary disappeared in the shadows, and Jessica kneed down, crying to herself.
Oh, my dear little sister
I know you are still in there
Waiting for me to take you out of the dungeon
Oh, my dear little sister
As soon we are away
I will be ready to save you from the shadows
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140,819 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello! I won't be reviewing this because there's simply not a whole lot to point out, especially since this is the sixth comment. I just wanted to say that this is really emotional and fits your story well. I would love to hear this put to music. Great job!
Wow, you are infinitly better than me at song writing. This is a great song
Its so easy to understand yet uses a enough symbolism to show what you mean in such a complex way
keep writing
Pinkie! I just have to say, I think this is one of my favorite pieces of yours that I've read. You did a great job editing it, really there are very few mistakes. You also do a nice job setting the scene, the 2nd half is quite dramatic.
Good luck in future writing!
Your friend,
alliyah
Hey there, joallover here for a funtastic review!
First of all, I love the imagery here. For your first song, it really is quite good. It probably would be better if I could here it though!
I really do love how you can see the scene in your head. Usually I don't like when people insert that, but I like it here. Great job!
Onto the nitpicks.
"I missed you giving me that beautiful smile
Until you became my enemy "
These two lines seem a bit unbalanced to me. Maybe elaborate a few more syllables on the enemy aspect?
"Everything you turned is into the darkness"
Is this supposed to be "Everything you turned into is the darkness"? I think you may have mixed up the wording a bit here.
"They don't need to die and suffer"
At the top, you said that the character thought this sad. This line I find does not fit the sad aspect of it. It sounds to me as though it is a harsh line in a soft, sad, heartbreak kind of a song. I like the idea, the harshness of it just threw me off a bit.
" I know you are still in there
Waiting for me to take you out of the dungeon"
This fits the same thing I was saying above. I find they just don't fit together.
Finally...
" Oh, my dear little sister
As soon we are away
I will be ready to save you from the shadows"
LOVE LOVE LOVE THE ENDING!!! This is the perfect way to end a song such as this. Kudos, brownie points, whatever you say, you get lots of them. Great job
So, as a recap, I would suggest that you watch some of the syllables in your lines to make sure the beat adds to the read of it. It may sound great the way it is with the music and such, but since I can't hear that, I'll go off what I can see. You did a really good job with this, way better than I can do.
Keep calm and write on!
~joallover
Hello, I'm here to review on your work!
First of all, this is a touching song, to say the very least! It really grips a reader by the heart, stinging them with the mixed emotion conveyed from your well-decided words. The song was simple, succinct, brief-- yet that just made it sound so good.
It could break somebody's heart...the sadness behind the lyrics really entrances the reader to share feelings with the main character. I just...it's really good for a first song, it's simply brilliant.
My favourite part would be :
" Oh, my dear little sister
I know you are still in there
Waiting for me to take you out of the dungeon "
It just brings the unspoken meaning...that the little sister is trapped in darkness, not only in an evil kind of way, but almost as if she was fighting a mental battle. The imagery used is wonderful, and all the more sad.
Just thinking of somebody crying and singing at the same time...
How incredibly good-- the emotion has been well portrayed. Well done!
~Brunnera
*sniffs. It's wonderful! Are you sure that this is your first song?! I haven't even read the rest of the series! I might read the rest of it after reading this. I only found one error, "and Jessica kneed down" I'm not even sure if this is an error, but in my opinion you should have said knelt down. But that's just me. I look forward to reading the rest of your book. Keep up the good work! I shall review again.
~Kelpies