Herne
Today in Burlin is a bad day after we heard the news about Princess Kelly last night. People were crying with their head down and frowns on their face. We stood toward of Princess Kelly's tombstone with her name on it. I couldn't believe that she died. She was the one of the princesses that always smiled at people whenever she goes. King Venture and Queen Gene were in front of their daughter's stone. The queen bent down and placed the red rose on the ground. She stood back up as she stared at stone sadly. Then, she began to cry as the king comforted her with a hug. I went to the royal family and placed my hand on the king's shoulder. He stared at me with his sorrowful eyes while comforting the crying queen.
"I am sorry for your loss," I whispered.
He nodded and went back into his queen. I slowly stepped back and went back to my position.
After the funeral, everyone went back home and the gates closed after they left. As I stood in front of door as my duty to protect the royals, I could hear the crying in their bedroom. Actually, I felt bad for them. They don't deserved to be sad. They had a beautiful and wonderful daughter until their other daughter, Ana, killed her. That murderous monster. She will pay for what she deserved. However, I couldn't do it without the king's permission. I needed to convince him to let me find Ana again because I know she is still out. I need to find Ana.
A/N: I know this is a short chapter so I will stop here because I am out of ideas.
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hi, Pinkie.
This is an interesting new viewpoint you've added in, I'm guessing that this guy is bounty hunter of some sort, or maybe one of the guards. It's good that you are letting us know what is going on back at the palace, but I still want to know more about this man, or else you've just thrown in his POV for no reason. If he's a guard, then why does he stand apart from the rest? Does he have a more specific reason for hating Ana?
A couple of ways you could extend this chapter.
I've noticed that you use a lot of simple sentences this chapter, particularly in the beginning. Maybe use commas or connectives to join a few of them, only some of them, so you still have some for impact. Other than that and the issues already raised this was a great chapter.
I only have one left to go, then I'm caught up.
Hey! I like this story, it sounds like an old fashioned fairy tale which is awesome!
I'm just wondering, is this a Frozen fanfiction?
Okay, there's a few mistakes that you need to edit. Kanome pointed most of them out so I'll just touch up on a couple more...
She was one of the princesses who always smiled at people wherever she went.
He nodded and went back to his queen.
I slowly stepped back and returned to my position.
There's nothing wrong with this! I just wanted to point out how much I love it! It's very descriptive even though there are only three words.
So, fix those typos and you'll have a wonderful little chapter! Well done.
Hello, Pinkie.
Kanome here with a review for you.
I like this story so far, but this chapter needs some serious proofreading and revising.
Nitpicks:
- Commas were needed in this first sentence. I believe there should be a small pauses in this sentence... Like this:
- Okay, in this one, you forgot to make these words plural.
Head - Heads
Face - Face
- I think this sentence should be revised.
Like this:
We stood upon of Princess Kelly's tombstone, that was engraved with her full name.
Also, consider this question into mind.
How is Ana a murderous monster?
Also, I believe you should consider making your chapter more detailed next time. It can help your readers visualize what is happening in the story.
Other than that, this is a great story so far. Keep writing. I would love to read more of your work. Best of luck.
- Kanome.
If you want to know, read the first part of it. It will answer your question. Also, I was out of ideas. Did you read my author's note?
You implied of running out of ideas of making it longer. Making it more detailed is different.
That's what I meant. I was about to do it, but I don't have more ideas. Also, did you read the first chapter. It will happy you know about it. And why did you put a like?