Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
Back story: You are little girl who always loves to play. You have a perfect family that raised you right. Then, your uncle came to visit. He always looks at you when you are outside or in your room. Finally, your uncle asked you to come to the store with him. You agreed and drove with him. After five minutes, you saw a unknown place called The Beer Factory. When you stepped out the car, you felt something metal and hard on the back of your head.
As you wake from your dream you noticed you are tied up against the wall. You struggled to get yourself free, but there was no successes. You tried screaming for help, but there was no reply. You begins to cry before your uncle came in the room. He looked mad and furious with you.
"Why you always tearing me? You always run around with your dress on and tearing me!" yelled your stepfather.
"Uncle, please let me go!" you pleaded.
"No, I will not let you do this to me anymore! I will teach you lesson to torture a man like that!"
Your stepfather walked toward and untied you; however, he held you down on the cool floor. You struggled to get him off, but he was stronger than you. He unzipped his pants and take off your underwear. You begged him to stop, but he didn't listened to you. After several hours later, you had been raped, murdered, and buried in the forest. Your family cried about your death, and your uncle played like nothing happens.
One day, your mother was cooking for breakfast. Then, your body appears in the kitchen. Your mother turned around and screamed as she saw you.
You smiled and said, "Hey, mommy...Want to play?"
As your father and uncle came in the house, they was shocked to see you. They saw blood on your face, your eyes were red, dirt on your shoes, and the blood on your dress says your name. They noticed you murdered your mother who have her throat cut. They realized you turned insane! Your uncle got scared as he stared at you.
I thought I killed her, thought your uncle.
You gave them a creepy smile and giggled.
"Do you want to play with me?"
This is really good but I feel like it needed more like more details just to guide the reader in the right direction.I can really tell it was based on sally and I love that but i'm so lost.I don't really understand how shes still alive,is she a zombie or something like that? You also have few grammatical errors like the word "tearing". I'm sure you mean't teasing but you might want to fix it. Other than all the grammar mistakes and missing details this is still amazing so keep writing!
Nice! I just got into the Creepy Pasta world. This sounds like Sally to me. I really like that you gave the reader a new view by having them be Sally. But the story was severely lacking in details and that in turn, causes the scary effect to disappear. That feeling you get when you read a horror or creepypasta story is missing. That feeling - most times - is why readers read these types of stories.
Well... that was....
wut.
I'm lost. And confused. But yet interested.
I like how you force the reader into the shoes of the main character. Then you guide the reader/character down a disturbing path. The reader is kidnapped and raped by the uncle. But that's where I get lost. Either the protagonist was murdered and she becomes a zombie, or she never died and is now on a homicidal rampage.
Either way, I like this story. I would, however, put an 18+ rating on this thing.
Hey, Pinkie. Let's jam.
This piece is riddled with minuscule grammatical mistakes (i.e. your vs. you're, was vs. were vs. is, etc.) that can be corrected by a quick once-over with a red pen. I'm sure you can handle fixing those on your own. The pacing of the piece is way too condensed, and by the end the reader just blinks and wonders what?
In the rape scene, you need to fix 'tearing' to 'teasing'--mostly because I think that's a mistake that will confuse most readers here on YWS. Your main character isn't easy to connect to. Sure, rape and murder is awful, yada yada creepypasta; that said, I don't particularly feel for this girl, which is a major thing in CP fic. Take more time with the piece and explore your characters more thoroughly. Give us the gore and grit of creepypasta--and fix a major issue of your story:
Why the hell does the girl kill her mother?
The background you give us gives the girl no reason to target her mother when she returns from the dead. From what you've given us, she had a perfect family, save for her uncle. The murder of her mother is unreasonable and comes out of nowhere. If you want to use her death as a mind game for the uncle, then expand your narration to actually play with his mind. Maybe they find her in the dress that always turned him on in the past. Maybe she's stabbed with the knife he used to kill the girl--you get it.
Creepypasta can't just be thrown together for the sake of shock value--or else it's boring. Give this some time and care, and see where it goes.
...Well, definitely deserves to be put on the creepypasta website. However, there are various grammar mistakes. I think they stand out, so I will not go to specifics. I'm not sure what perspective this is in. It is awkward, because it says "you" which feels like the reader had forgotten what happened. At the end, it says "they noticed you murdered your mother, who have (should be had) her throat cut." This makes you seem like an amateur, Maybe try, "Her (your) family walked in as she (you) finished cutting her (your) mom's throat". I think that this could be better so, don't delete it or anything. It just needs some improvement. This is only my opinion.
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