A/N: I love making characters and I do it when I want to.
Sidney Williams: Sidney is a 45 years old woman who had a lot of mixed species children. She have black hair and hazel eyes. She always cared about her children and do anything to protect them. She teamed up with people, like the Youtubers, when she is in danger or need to escape. She always became brave when it comes to her children or everyone else.
Jessica Williams: Jessica is a 26 years old woman who is the older of her siblings. She have blonde hair and blue eyes. She always was the nerdy one and most classy girl in her family. She saved the one who she loved. She can be mean to her siblings, but she love them very much. In her life, she never find love and lost her virginity since she was 18. She is very shy to talk to her crushes and failed to date them. She was lonely until she met Tobuscus who has a crush on her.
Harry Williams: Harry is the twin brother of Jessica. He is 26 years old man who have brown hair and hazel eyes with glasses. Harry is very childish, but he can be responsible when it is comes to survival. He is very outgoing and goofy to everyone and he enjoy it. Unlike his sister, he got a girlfriend and lost his virginity with her which it got Jessica jealous.
Vera Williams: Vera is a 23 years old woman who is long-lost sibling. She has black hair and blue eyes. She had a hard life when she was a teenager in New England. She was almost raped by her ex and got betrayed by her new lover. She fought through polices to escape from her homeland and moved into Los Angeles which she was homeless. It made her insecure about boys who fall in love with her. She was found by her mother and taken home for a new life. She worked as a CSI and a computer programmer while she protected her family from danger.
Molly Williams: Molly is a 21 years old woman who had black hair and hazel eyes. She is a creepy girl who has big eyes which made everyone scared of her. She never has a boyfriend because of her creepiness, but she don't care that she needs one. She is very kind, silly, smart to help people to escape. She is very like her mother to everyone else.
Rosie Williams: Rosie is a 20 years old woman who had red (dyed) hair and blue eyes. She is very good cooker, bu she have trouble with other things to cook. She neither is not a good fighter nor a runner which that made her family slow down. However, she can use her disgusted food to get the bad guys sick.
A/N: This is part one. I will made more. Don't tell me not to make it on here. i just like it
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello!
Raven here for a quick review!
Nitpicks!
I wouldn't use 'species' there. Maybe race? Unless Sidney was giving birth to cats and dogs, I wouldn't use that.
Instead of 'older' I would use 'eldest'.
Stuff in red: That should be 'loves'.
Thoughts over all
I'm am reading this through. And I personally have a few problems. Just please understand these are my opinions.
I am looking at each characters bio, and I don't see any mention of skin colour. Now, that is one of the key points for some readers. But, you don't have to add that.
Before you start to talk about the characters, you state their first and last name. Then you state the first name again. I would simply take out the colon and the repeating of the first name. But, then again, that is my opinion.
I am also confused how some children got their looks, did Sidney cheat?
Anyway, keep on writing! I love your works!
Raven,
Though this isn't a story in and of itself, I felt the urge to review it nonetheless!
Overall, I feel as though each description of a character reads like a list. For example:
As it stands, every sentence begins with a "she". While I understand that this is a character breakdown, if it's to be in paragraph form, I feel that it should have more flow; My personal opinion, of course, but you could try to change it up a bit. Perhaps like:
"Sidney is a forty-five year old woman whose had her fair share of mixed-species children. Black hair and hazel eyes, the kindly woman is self-sacrificing, caring so deeply for those children, she would do anything and everything for them; whatever it took to protect them, the cost would never be too great."
A small snippet, but hopefully a helpful one.
There are some grammatical errors throughout, but none that take away from the overall way it reads. My biggest nitpick would be that the numbers below 100 are typed numerically as opposed to spelled out.
Otherwise, the listing would be what I'd focus on as the errors could be ironed out as the sentences become more fluid in their creation.
Where I'm talking to you right now and you claim this terrible, I'd not say such in the slightest. There's plenty of potential here to expand upon each character and truly bring them to life, even in these small snippets. I hope that you continue to pursue these character descriptions, and I look forward to reading the rest as you complete them!
Job well done, Pinkie.
P.S- I truly hope none of this reads as too harsh, as I'm merely trying to be constructive. If it does, I apologize wholeheartedly.