A/N: This poem was made when I was 10. I will make a story of it.
Oh, Mike
I always see you so furious at school
You yell and cuss at people who is in your way
I thought you are Incredible Hulk with a cold heart
But you are a guy who has a terrible past
Even through you never show your good side
I always know that you are a good guy
I know people will see it too
Including my parents who kept me away from you
I hope you know that I always love you
As the walls block your bright side.
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Hey Pinkiegirl13, I am here for a review.
First of all, I would like to say that it is fantastic. You wrote it at the age of 10; did you update it or is it the same as 8 years ago?
There are some grammatical errors here though which are already pointed out; so it would be silly talking about them again.
The rhymes were there which made the poem much easier to read. It was a bit short though but yeah, it was nice.
In the second last line: "I hope you know that I always love you" Don't you think it should be I always 'loved' you?
The ending could have been made better. But yet it was a great effort from a 10 years old kid.
Do write a story about it. I am curious to read it
Hey, you! It's been months since I've need points, but I shall perform the best I can!
First off, I enjoy the fact that you, as far as I can tell, didn't edit this poem to correct the grammatical errors that you made when the poem was first created. I sometimes wish that I could stand not editing my older stories on purpose. Before I ramble, here are a few points where I noticed errors. Of course, editing is not required.
"You yell and cuss at people who is in your way" -"Is" should be "are"
I thought you are Incredible Hulk with a cold heart -There should the a "the" in between "are" and "incredible". However I look at it and begin to question if that's really an error or not.
Well, that's my first review in months; I hope you enjoy it!
~The dark one.
Hi Pinkie, I don't know if I've ever read one of your poems before! Good job, especially because you wrote when you were 10!
"I always see you
I'd also like to know more specifics on what causes him to be so bad.Grammar/Wording:
If you want to read any grammar nitpicks they're under the spoiler:
Spoiler
sofurious at school""You yell and cuss at people who are
isin your way""I thought you were the
areIncredible Hulk with a cold heart".....
"I always knew that you were a good guy"
.....
"I hope you know that I will always love you"
You did a great job with spelling in this piece, there weren't any spelling or punctuation mistakes. The only issues were with changing from past and present tense a few times.
Other Suggestions:
Some of the words could be changed to more descriptive ones. For example you could change the word "good" to "kind, happy, nice, generous, special etc. " something that shows why he is good.
Also I would strongly suggest considering changing the title to something a little different. Maybe it could just be "The Incredible Hulk".
You should include what made the speaker's feelings about Mike change. At first she thought he "had a cold heart" but by the end of the poem she's speaking about her affection for Mike, so there must have been something to cause this shift and you should consider addressing this aspect in your poem.
Content/Meaning:
Overall it is an interesting idea and with a few edits and maybe extending it, this could be even better. My favorite line was the last one
It says in the author description that you might make this poem into a story. I think that this has a lot of potential for you to develop the characters so I'm sure a full story could work with this idea.
Good luck Pinkie and have a great 4th of July!
Your friend,
~alliyah