Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
"Watch Where You Are Fucking Going, Asshole!!"
Mike yelled at the male student before the student ran as fast as he can with terror in his eyes. People including me stared at the student who was running from Mike in the hall and then looked at Mike. He has red hair, brown eyes, and freckles across on his face. He was wearing a white polo shirt and black pants. He started to walk though the crowd of people staring at him. He gave people a death glare when he walked pass them. I held my books to my chest as he came pass me and gave me a death glare. I stepped back at the lockers with fear before the school bell rang for lunch.
In the lunchroom, I was with my two friends, Steph and Bessie, eating lunch at the table in the left side of the lunchroom. We saw Mike was walking in the lunchroom with full of anger. Everyone was frozen when they saw him. Mike walked toward the table next to us. He stared at us before he looked away and sat down. Steph stared at me and Bessie as her scent of her perfume went into my nose which made my head hurts.
"Why he is so mean to everyone?" whispered Steph.
"I don't know, but I know he is 'The Incredible Hulk'. He yells and cusses at people who always in his way including to adults. Right, Alliyah(That's the main character's name)?" whispered Bessie.
Of course, I remember that day he cussed of Mr. Green after school. I was reading my book, Maze Runner, while waiting for my parents to come. Then, my parents were finally made it to my school. They were smiling and waving to me which it made me smile. I stood up to them before The Incredible Hulk came out. Before I go into the car, I heard him arguing to Mr. Green.
"Get out of my business, bro!" yelled Mike.
"Excuse me, young man, I am adult around here. You need to show me some respect or I will call your mother," Mr. Green replied, trying not to yell back at Mike.
"You know what, bitch. You are a stupid ass motherfucker who SUCK DICK for free and has a UGLY ASS FACE!!"
Everyone stared at Mike with their jaws dropped. My parents stared at me with their Is-this-boy-that-evil look. I nodded and went into the car. My father drove off as fast as he can. My mind snapped into reality. Steph and Bessie stared at me.
"Yeah, I agree. This guy is cold-hearted Incredible Hulk," I replied, trying not to let Mike hear me talking about him.
They both nodded in agreement before talking a bite on their lunch. I stared at Mike who is looking at the others who are walking pass him. He seem to enjoy to be mean and get away from people. Maybe he is a grumpy loner who loves to be alone. For a result, I don't like to be around with him anyway. If he is Incredible Hulk, let him be Incredible Hulk.
A/N: This is my ideas for this one. I have many writer's block all day, but I finally put someone on the paper. So see ya!
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey Pinkiegirl, you reviewed one of my works before and I wanted to return the favor. I like the story and I'm interested to see how your characters develop and play out. Juding fromt he title of the story, I'm guessing Mike will have a nice side that no one is aware of because of his past mistakes or how he acts. I would love to see how that unfolds. I like your character interactions as well. I saw a few sentences with small errors, or ones I would make small suggestions for.
"Steph stared at me and Bessie as her scent of her perfume went into my nose which made my head hurts." (For this one, you could take the s out of hurts, and make it hurt)
"Excuse me, young man, I am adult around here." (After the "I am" in the sentence, you could add the or an.) "I am the adult around here," or "I am an adult around here."
"Then, my parents were finally made it to my school. " (This one just sounded weird, maybe if you take away the "were" in the sentence it would sound better).
"For a result, I don't like to be around with him anyway." (Maybe minus the "For," and put an "as.")
Overall, I liked the story and I'm looking forward to more. There were just some weird sounding sentences but it didn't bother me.
Well hey Pinkie! I'm glad to see you made it through your chapter even after the writers block.
Here are the edits in order--
does the main character really have my name? I'm flattered! Thanks Pinkie!Grammar/Wording:
If you want to see the grammar mistakes they're under the spoiler:
Spoiler
"the student ran as fast as he can with terror in his eyes" can should be "could"
" I held my books to my chest as he came pass me" pass should be "past"
"We saw Mike was walking in the lunchroom
withfull of anger.""-her perfume went into my nose which made my head hurts." made should be "makes".
"my book, Maze Runner" the book title should be underlined.
". Then, my parents
werefinally made it to my school...""My father drove off as fast as he can. " can should be "could".
"They both nodded in agreement before talking a bite on their lunch." I think you meant "taking" instead of "talking".
Other Comments:
Well I think you have a very interesting start here. The character development is good, we're only at chapter one and already I know the main character, her 2 best friends, her parents, Mr. Green, and the Incredible Hulk. You easily transitioned from flashback to in the present time as well, so good job with that.
Good opening line. It was dramatic and made me wonder "why is someone swearing in Pinkie's chapter?"
I will be very interested to know just what makes Mike so mean. Also in the next chapter I'd suggest having a little more interaction between the main character and Hulk maybe, so that she's not just watching him from far off, but actually is experiencing his meanness.
Content
Wow
This chapter mainly established who the characters are and showed just why they call Mike the Incredible Hulk, we met the characters and that's a good first step to a chapter.
There are a few grammar edits that need to be worked on, but everything made sense to me overall.
Good job, and I can't wait to read the next chapter.
Your friend,
alliyah
Hey Pinkiegirl, I am here for a review.
As you might have already known, I was one of those who was eagerly waiting for this story!
Anyway, let's get back to the point. I will read each paragraph at a time and ask you what I feel unsure about; makes sense?
Your second paragraph's second sentence: "People including me stared at the student who was running from Mike in the hall and then looked at Mike".
This sentence is confusing; as there is less usage of punctuation and I don't know why, but this didn't sound cool.
"He gave people a death glare when he walked pass them. I held my books to my chest as he came pass me and gave me a death glare."
Cut this down a bit shorter. A good writer don't repeat sentences.
Some bits and bobs around which does not really matter alot. The story sounds cool and I am waiting for the next chapter now. I hope you use more punctuation for your story to flow naturally to the readers.
Wonderful plot and nicely describing the situation; it makes me create a picture of what was really happening back then.
Keep writing and do write the chapter 2 and publish here as fast as you can. I am waiting for it