Ana
In my dark room, I heard people outside was excited to meet my parents, King Venture and Queen Gene. Today is Cantina Day which I don't like. I was scared to show the people who I really am....that I have hidden powers. My parents didn't like me to use my powers around people because it might hurt everyone. I don't like to hurt anyone and get them to call me a monster. I am afraid that they will be scared of me. However, my little sister, Kelly, wasn't scared when she saw my powers. She thinks it is magical and exciting to see it. That's why she is the only one that I will show them.
As I got ready for the Cantina Day, I put on my purple dress with my purple high-heels. I stared at the mirror as I fixed my hair into a straight, long black hair. I looked down with a unpleasant face and sighed with sadness. Then, Kelly opened my door and shouted in happiness, "Ana!" Kelly went in my room and closed the door, showing her pink dress with her pink high-heels and her golden, long hair.
"Kelly, what are you doing? You supposed to stay in the ballroom with mom and dad," I said as I walked toward her.
"I know, but it is so boring down there. I just one special magic show! Can you gave that show, Ana?" asked Kelly.
"I shouldn't, but okay, just one show." I used my index figure to show 'one'.
Kelly cheered in excitement as she put up a little wooden chair and sat down. I smiled at her as I get started to put on the 'show'. I used my powers to make little sparkles as Kelly cheered and clapped her hands. I began to make little short stories for her and then made her fly in the air. She was laughing in joy while she fly everywhere in the room. Finally, she made herself flow down into the floor. We laughed in joy and stopped.
"More!" demanded Kelly.
"What? N-no. I think it is time to go to the ballroom," I said calmly before I started to walk off. Suddenly, Kelly grabbed my waist. I stared back at her and she gave her puppy eyes.
"Please...?" Kelly pleaded.
"Kelly, let me go please?"
"No, please one more magic show...."
I tried to pull her arm from her grip, but it was tighter than ever. "Let me go, Kelly..." I mumbled.
Kelly's eyes started to water up. "Ana, can you please do it for ME!?"
"I said NO!" I yelled before my power shot out of my hand toward Kelly's heart. Kelly gasped in surprise as she let go of me and stepped back into the wall with her hand touching her chest. She slowly slide down into the floor, staring me as I stared at her with shock. I ran to her and said, "Kelly...?"
She uncovered her hand to show the purple light in her chest. She was breathing hard to get more air, but can hardly get it by my powers in her. I can't believe of what I done. I accidentally hurt her sister, and now she is going to die. I shed a tear while I hugged my sister. I shouldn't put it in her heart. I hated myself for this. I screamed in anger so the people can hear me. Then, I heard Kelly's voice.
"A-A-Ana...."
I stared at Kelly to see her eyes. Her blue eyes was almost lifeless. "Y-Yes...?" I stuttered.
"D-D-Does angels.... do magic tricks too?" Kelly asked as the purple light extended in her body.
I smiled at her. "Yes....they do, Kelly...."
"Do they...have magic shows too?" Kelly smiled back.
"Yes, they will give you the best magic shows that you ever seen..." I cried.
Suddenly, I heard people coming this way. They calling for us that if we are okay. I stared at the door as the voices went louder and louder. Then, Kelly called my name again for her attention. I stared at her.
"Yes?"
"I....love...you..." Kelly spoke her last words before she slowly closed her eyes. I nodded and got up from the floor. I quickly went to the window as the people slammed on the door. I ran from the castle when I heard my mother screamed and yelled, "Oh, my sweet Kelly!" I felt sad for my parents. I shouldn't use my powers around people including my dear little sister, Kelly. I ran into the forest to hide from the soldiers who will find me. Now I became a murderer.
After being a runaway murderer, I stopped by the tree and leaned on it. I panted for air after running. I looked every directions to find where are the soldiers, and they weren't in sight. I sighed in relief and relaxed on the tree. I closed my eyes so I can get some sleep, but I heard someone coming this way. I got up from the ground as the leaves was crushing on each footstep. I was ready to use my powers on them, but not to hurt them. As they get closer and closer, I jumped out and zapped my powers at them.
A/N: Who is the person did Ana used her powers on? It will be on the next part.
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
I like this for a start. Yes! I'm not the only one who was reminded of Frozen XD. It's not a bad movie all in all.
This set the scene well, so there can be some more action and character development next chapter. It was short, but things happened quite fast, so it helps in a way. I think I'd like to meet some more characters next chapter (which I will read) or find out some more about the ones we've met.
Also, as some people have said, this looks like it will be from more than one point of view so I don't think that will be a problem for long. I think the multiple points of view will make it interesting as it proceeds.
There are no obvious grammar errors that haven't already been pointed out. I'm still rooting issues out of my works.
A good start, I'll see you next chapter.
Good luck.
Me, too! This totally reminds me of Frozen!
Hello! This is Pink for a review!
This is an amazing chapter! You did well on it, it really reminded me of Frozen, as most people have said already. Hahaha. I was also wondering if this is a book were there is more than one POV. If it is, I'm happy to see someone doing so, I too am doing a multi-POV book(:
I think that you did great on most grammar and spelling and so on. However during where you said, 'I put on my purple dress with my purple high-heels.' I think you should've used the word purple once. I.E. I put on my purple dress and matching high-heels.
That way, it's less complicated and you don't overuse the word 'purple' in one sentence. That really was the only thing that bothered me, everything else seemed fine with me(:
Your plot is good so far and I can't wait till the next chapter! I loved how you made a cliffhanger to get me curious for the next chapter. I'm looking forward to it! You're an awesome writer!
Great job! Best wishes on writing you next chapter!
-Pink♥︎
Hey Pinkiegirl13, I am here for a review (perhaps a mini review).
Firstly, I would like to say that your story was great. The flow was superb and the way you describe, well this is your best part, your characters is amazing. They just seem real and I can think of them in my head.
Other than that, you ended the story nicely. It was great and there was suspense too. I like it much. It would have been better if you could include a picture of Ana as you do for your other characters.
And there is something that confused me. Here it is:
""I just one special magic show! Can you gave that show, Ana?" asked Kelly.""
Is it a typo error in the first sentence? And the second sentence just doesn't sound right to me.
Apart from that, the story and writing is amazing.
Keep up the good work. Hope to read your next chapter soon.
Have a great day/night
Cheers.
Hi, Fantasy here for a review on your story! Just a warning, sometimes I can be a bit harsh, so if I offend you, sorry.
Right, well, reading the description, I got a total ‘Frozen’ vibe from this. I really got one when I read the name ‘Ana’. [In my dark room, I heard people outside was excited to meet my parents, King Venture and Queen Gene.] There’s something missing from this sentence. See if you can figure it out. [Today is Cantina Day which I don't like.] Explain what this ‘Cantina’ Day is and why your character doesn’t like it.
[I stared at the mirror as I fixed my hair into a straight, long black hair.] This sentence makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. [pink dress with her pink high-heels] You basically say this line twice, except the first time, you used the word ‘purple’. Switch it up.
["Kelly, what are you doing? You supposed to stay in the ballroom with mom and dad," I said as I walked toward her.] If you’re going for the whole royalty bid, try using mother and father instead of mom and dad, it sounds more formal.
[I just one special magic show! Can you gave that show, Ana?] These two sentences make no sense, because there’s something missing from each of them.
[as she put up a little wooden chair] put should be pulled. [I get started] get ready makes more sense.
[ME!?"] use italics to show high emotion, not all caps.
The next part, when she hits Kelly in the heart with her power, really makes it sound like you’re ripping off ‘Frozen’. Be original. The next few paragraphs still have grammar errors like the ones I’ve already pointed out, so see if you can spot them yourself, it will make it easier for you to spot them when proofreading later works.
I am sorry. I didn't really watch Frozen. I didn't meant to rip it off.
I mena, Elsa didn't actually KILL her sister Ana with her powers. But she hit her in the heart, and NEARLY killed her. They were also princesses.
Well, I didn't know that. I just put it on here as my ideas. I didn't meant to rip off something that I did not watch.