Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
[Notice: This is second chapter. I am not good at writing novels or making better sentences. I tried my best on this chapter.]
While a long months in summer, I tried my best to get over my ex-boyfriend, Henry. He was nice to me since seventh grade. He gave me a fun time in our date and makes me laugh even through he is popular kid in school. I never forgive him of what he did to me last night. That was so unforgivable.
In Stephanie's bedroom, Stephanie listened to Do You Realize by The Flaming Lips as her tears streamed down on her face. The song made her remained of Henry. She remembers that night of he never say goodbye to her and let her heart die. She is heart-broken and betrayed by her own boyfriend. Then, Jessica, a struggling actress who treats her like her own daughter, came to her room. She carries a present behind her back so she can surprise and cheer her up.
"Hey, Steph. Why are you still in bed? There is something in the living room," said Jessica before she sat down on her bed.
"Jessica, I don't feel like it," said Stephanie before she turned to the side, "I still can't get over my boyfriend."
"Stephanie, I felt that way with my exes. They leave me like yours did."
Stephanie turned to see Jessica's face. "They did? How were they do that? You are beautiful woman in Los Angeles," Stephanie said.
"Well, I was nerd like you. I was your age. My boyfriends dumped me because people talked lies about me. However, I got over it. I enjoyed my life and here I am. Beautiful and talented person. Well...almost is," chuckled Jessica.
Stephanie laughed at Jessica's silliness and felt happy for her. Maybe she doesn't have to get boyfriend to make her fell better. She got her father to be with her in prom and Jessica making her feel better. All she needs is family.
"Hey, Steph, I got something for you," said Jessica.
Jessica pulled out a present from behind her back. Stephanie was surprised and quickly take the present from her. She opened the present and saw a golden necklace. She held it up and looked at the smiling Jessica.
"Happy birthday, Stephanie."
Stephanie put down the necklace and hugged Jessica tightly.
"Thank you, mum!" exclaimed Stephanie
Jessica hugged her back and let go of each other.
"I am going to wear this with my new clothes that Jean brought me!"
Stephanie got out of her bed and ran to the closet to get her new clothes. Jessica walked out of her room and then leaned on the door. She was worried about Stuart will forget her birthday for the sixth times. She don't want Stephanie to be upset and cry again. She want it to be prefect for her. She closed her eyes and take a deep breathe. Then, Jessica walked to the living room and saw Stuart and the others are dress-up. She was relieved that he remember what today is.
"So...Stuart, you finally remember what is today. Today is a special day." said Jessica as she walked close to Stuart.
"Yes, I do," said Stuart, "Today is we having a pool party!"
Jessica's relief was false. Stuart didn't remember.
"Stuart, you forget what day is it. Today is Stephanie's birthday," reclaimed Jessica.
"Shit, Stuart, did you tell 'Happy Birthday' to her," asked Kives.
"No, mate!" said Stuart before he turned to Jessica, "Look, can you give her a little party while me and my friends are making our party at Wade's apartment? I promise she will be all better when I get home."
"No, she is not, Stuart!" shouted Jessica, "She needs her father to be with her. I am trying to give her the party that is perfect for her. You need to give her the best birthday ever or her life will be ruin again."
"Fine, I will plan something out. Wade, you need to invite some kids in the neighborhood to our pool party."
"Well, I do have a some presents for her in my apartment," replied Wade.
"I did invited some hot women, so I guess I will invite some children too," Rory said.
"Is that great for you, Jessica?" asked Stuart.
"That's great. All we need to do is to-"
"To do what, Jess?"
Everyone looked at Stephanie who is wearing pink shirt and blue pants with the necklace that Jessica gave her. Jessica came to Stephanie, smiling.
"Steph, the guys got something to tell you," said Jessica.
"Yeah, what is 'my dad' is going to tell me?" said Stephanie as she gave her father a hard stare.
Stuart got nervous as he think of something to say. He smiled at Stephanie and said, "Happy birthday, Stephanie."
"Happy birthday, Stephanie," said all.
Stephanie did a relief gasp and smiled at her father. "Thank goodness, you didn't forgive my birthday," said Stephanie.
"Yeah, I glad I didn't," Stuart said nervously.
"Oh, Steph, you father gave you a pool party at Wade's apartment. You have presents that your father and Wade brought you. Also, Rory will be with you to give the invitations to people in the neighborhood."
Stephanie hopped in excited like a little child and make little sounds. She ran to her father and hugged him.
"Thank you, daddy! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"
Then, the doorbell rang. Bing-Bang!
Steph ran to the door and opened it. The person who rang the doorbell is Jean.
"Happy birthday, Steph!" shouted Jean as she raised her arm toward her for a hug. Her father was disgusted by this actions.
"So, did the old man know your birthday?" Jean gave Stuart a hard stare.
"Yes, he finally did. He is throwing me a pool party and everyone have to come there!" exclaimed Stephanie.
"Yeah, to make you so fab that girls in the first day of school will make you their queen."
Stephanie and Jean laughed in joy as others looked at her confusedly.
"So who will help us give the invitations out?" Jean asked happily.
"Well, my father's assistant will do it actually," replied Stephanie.
"Okay, get the guy and let's go."
Stephanie grabbed Rory by the arm as they ran to the door. Rory looked at Stuart and whispered, "Help me....". Then, Jean closed the door with a little slam. Finally, Kives and Wade decided to get out the room.
"Okay, we need to decorate the birthday party. See ya, Stuart," said Kives.
Wade and Kives went out of the door.Stuart puts his hands on his hip and stared at Jessica.
"Why you need me to lie to my daughter? Soon she will know that the party is for me and the adults only," said Stuart.
"Stuart, she needs her family to be with her including her father!" shouted Jessica.
"Well, you are not the one who I have my condom broken with."
"I know that. I just want her to be happy and getting along with other people so she won't be scared of her first high school. She needs us, Stuart!" said Jessica as she moved her hands.
"Fine! I'll make this day for her. I will not embarrass her or make her life miserable. Okay?!" Stuart's eyes went wide in anger.
Jessica smiled and folded her arms. "That's what I like to hear."
{Notice: I need to stop there because I am very tired and need some sleep. I know it is suck and cliche. Well, I tried to write it as bast as I can. I am not a writer. I am just a wannabe writer. See ya next time. Also, the part 2 will be coming soon.]
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,778 Reviews
Hello, CesareBorgia, here for a review,
,
I liked this chapter, it seems like real life, and that's why I like it! The plot is awesome, the grammar is okay, here's the nitpicks.
Spoiler
I would change this too;
My last nitpick:
All you have to do here is describe Jean.
That's all I have to say, tag me when you post new chapters
Best of luck in writing,
CesareBorgia,
signing out.
Hello Pinkie! Niraco coming at you with a review. Sorry it’s kind of late but better late than never, eh? Anyway I haven’t read the other chapters so please bear with me as I read this chapter. Also since pretty much all of the grammar errors have been pointed out I won’t bother to add to them. Instead I’ll just be review your content – it is also more my forte.
The first paragraph I found myself cringing at. While it was written rather solidly it just seemed like something I had seen a thousand times before.
When I started to read I hoped that this wouldn’t turn out to be just a re-done love story. Now I really like romances in any story. Yet, I feel you’ve given yourself a massive challenge when romance is the main story. I myself prefer when romance is more of a sub-genre. In that sense I admire you. Romance stories are easily messed up within seconds so that made me worry a bit.
Also the conversation between Stephanie and Jessica seems a little dry and wooden. Perhaps you should go back and try that again. I think this is mostly due to how formal they speak to each other. They seem to be friendly so it threw me when she said ‘my boyfriend’ instead of just Henry.
I do, however, like the conversations with the parents. They seem much more believable and less dry. You can tell how they feel, but still it seems slightly off at times.
Also, there is far too much dialogue and not enough description. Tell us more about the environments these characters are in. Is there a strong scent? Any pieces of furniture which sticks out when they walk into a room? Little things like this bring a story to life much more and let readers become more invested into your tale.
I am sorry if I am seemingly too harsh for what I am about to say. All in all this seems very average and safe. They characters are some which I have seen done better in other novels. However, there is some potential here. You just need to go back and work on a few things which have been pointed out. Writing takes practice and no one is great at something on their first try. I can tell that you really did your absolute best on this first attempt and that alone is admirable. Just keep at it and you’ll soon grow to your own writing style.
I hope I was of some help.
Hi, alliyah is here to review, as requested.
Now there are quite a few grammar mistakes in the first little bit that you should take a second look at when you get a chance. Fixing up the grammar will make the piece seem more polished and will make sure that the reader stays attentive to the piece instead of getting distracted by spelling/grammar mistakes.
I'll just point out a few:
should be--> "He gave me a fun time on our date and makes me laugh even though he is a popular kid in school."
Your second paragraph has a lot of redundancy that could be taken out. Like in the first line of that paragraph you say
There's no need to say "Stephanie" twice because the reader already knows who your talking about, and can assume also that it's her face that the tears are streaming down. Other redundancy is saying she's "heart-broken & betrayed" in same sentence when they mean about the same. By giving the reader a little more credit and leaving out some clarifications of who you're talking about (like repeating "Stephanie" or a pronoun multiple times) you can keep the reader in the action and make the piece more exciting/natural to read.
Then in the next bit of dialogue Jessica has some awkward phrasing: . Make sure to not jump between past and present tense. You actually do this quite a bit in the piece. Like in this sentence It should be "She closed her eyes and took a deep breath." Perhaps try reading it out loud to try to catch these mistakes. Also when you use "mum" or "daddy" in place of a name and without the words "my", "his", "her", or "their" then you should capitalize it because it's a proper noun.
Now going to content of the piece:
You introduce a lot of characters right away and it's a little difficult to keep track of. The beginning I can follow with just Stephanie and Jessica, but then all of a sudden there are a ton of characters thrown at me with few character descriptions. I don't even really understand how the 2 girls came to be where all of the other characters were, so perhaps you could clarify this a little bit so it's not such a dramatic change.
I think the conversation between Stuart and Jessica about their parenting roles is interesting. And you add some good emotion and anger to this part. However overall I think your characters are a little over the top. No parent really wants their child to be miserable so I wonder if Stuart is being sarcastic when saying "I will not embarrass her or make her life miserable" I mean what parent or human being would try to do that?? Also Jessica just seems way overly sure of herself she calls herself "beautiful", "talented", and calls the birthday party "perfect". This is over the top arrogant. And then I'm not fully understanding why Stephanie is so crushed by her boyfriend breaking up with her because the reader isn't given a lot of background on this. It all seems a little overly dramatic and could be played down a little to make the characters seem more realistic.
So far, I'm interested the most in the family dynamic of Stuart, Jessica, and Stephanie and am wondering if they'll work out their issues. There is really some good plot points you can work with but if you continue to write this I would suggest making the characters come alive. Add some description about their appearance, history, and some non-generic feelings/emotions/thoughts that they have. Try to add personality without drowning the characters in a stereotypical part by being to dramatic.
And lastly, please please please take another look at the grammar before you post again. There are some easy mistakes I'm guessing you could have caught yourself if you'd just re-read what you wrote. Such as mixing up "forgive" with the word "forget" and you switch back and forth between tenses a lot in this piece. These are easy mistakes to fix!
Good luck in future works!
~alliyah
Hey there!
I will try to keep this review brief as I see you have a large amount down below. I like to start off what I like about it first and then give you some constructive criticism. Let's get started!
I give you major props for your determination for posting this. I can tell by your annotations you truly want to get better and that is great for YWS. Hopefully some of the reviews below helped and I will be able to give you some quick advice also. I also liked how you incorporated telling the reader the relationship between Stephanie and Jessica.
Let me get down to business and give you some quick tips. I noticed two things you might want to focus on improving: imagery and grammar. I read a bit down below and saw that you've already been reviewed on grammar so instead of pointing out mistakes, I'll give you some tips to catch the errors.
Before posting or asking people to review revise, revise, revise! However, how do you make sure you've revised thoroughly enough? When I revise any of my writing, whether I'm posting to YWS or submitting a school assignment, I read it sentence by sentence. I listen to the way it sounds in my head and out loud. Does it sound like my character or narrator? Their way of speech? Is there an awkward phrase or error that breaks up the flow? If there is I will rework the sentence until it reads smoothly, contributes to the message, and sounds how I want it to. Also, I have others read my work, just like you have been, to see if they catch anything I didn't. If I'm ever unsure of how to use punctuation or form a sentence correctly I look to one of my many grammar books in my personal library.
Another aspect to good writing is imagery. You have that scene in your head and the reader doesn't. Your job as a writer is to convey that scene or image. English teachers always pound that into their curriculum: show the reader, don't tell. You made some attempts for instance:
Maybe you could rephrase it describing how she hugged her father. What if felt like physically, emotionally, or mentally.
Something like that. Anyways. Hopefully that helped a bit. Keep at it! If people seem to be always find the negative, take their advice humbly. Most of it will help and contribute to making you a better writer. Don't give up and keep writing!
-Jade
Hello there!
I know that you don't particularly like us reviewers pointing out your grammatical errors, but they really need to be fixed. They're too glaringly obvious and sloppy, for lack of a better word, to be left alone. A lot of times you mix up words, or have too many words. Sometimes I had trouble understanding what was going on because of the errors. I have to ask, is English your first language? It doesn't quite sound like it is because of your odd mistakes. It's perfectly okay, though, English is my first language and I still have trouble with it. But if you ever have trouble, just ask! We'll all be happy to help.
Also, something else that I need to say before I move on to content: Why are random words links to this same story? I can't tell if it's intentional or not. If it is, then why? I don't see any purpose in it. If it's not, then there's probably a way to go back and change it. Maybe it's just me, but I find it distracting while I'm reading.
Finally, content time!
First of all, this is definitely an improvement from your last chapter. It's not a huge info-dump, and it's broken up into readable paragraphs. However, I feel that your last chapter wasn't necessary, because most of the information you gave us there, you show us here. For instance, if we've read your last chapter, we already know that Jessica is a struggling actress who acts like a mother to Stephanie. You wouldn't need to tell us again. This feels like a first chapter, and not a second.
Now, yes, as you said, this is cliche. It's a teenage drama story. There are a lot of those. However, you still manage to take the cliche and make it your own. Which means that it's still cliche, but while not being cliche. Does that make sense?
I like the emotional interaction between Stuart and Jessica, and how Stephanie's oblivious to it all. It sort of creates a feeling of dramatic irony.
Overall, the plot is good, but the errors take away from it and make it difficult to read. You should definitely fix those and proofread. And remember, just ask if you need advice! That's what this website is for. Also, remember to have confidence in yourself. If you write, you're a writer. There's no such thing as a wannabe writer. Keep it up, and you'll get better.
Looking forward to part two!
Dude, this is a remake. I wrote the remake of this story. The chapter 1 is different.
So this is intended to be the first chapter? I'm not sure what you're trying to say. The title says that it's chapter two.
I am talking about the story. The one you read (the chapter 1) is the old one. I did the remake of the chapter 1.
Okay, that clears up any confusion. But you should put that in the title, or tell us in your author's note.
Hi!
Awh, don't say that! Feel confident in yourself! Though, if you really do think you're bad at writing, I actually have to say: good job. Why? Because you're still writing, even if you think it's bad. I know people who are just like, "Uhhhhh I'm so bad at writing! So I'm not going to write." But you actually did! *claps*
Okay, so yes, there were errors. Most of them were switches between past and present tense which can easily be fixed. Some of them were missing words, which is super easy to fix if you just read the sentence. Since there were many of them, I'm not going to take the time to point them out, but that's just what you really need to work on: the switches between tenses and missing words.
The plot however, is where you excelled at. Okay, I won't say excelled, but it was definitely better than the grammar and sentence structure.
Catherine pretty much got it down: it's cliche, yet not cliche. I mean, it has that cliche touch in it, but you changed it up and added your own twist to it to make it un-cliche (pretty sure that's not a word).
I hope this helps, and remember- feel confident in yourself! I once published a chapter of my story and I was thinking, "Yikes, this is one of the worst of my chapters yet," but when I got a review, one of the reviewers said it was my best chapter yet. So don't get discouraged!
WillowPaw1~
Look, some people said it's cliche and some people said it's not. I tried my best on it. However, it is "my" story, not everyone else.
I said it had your own twist to it, which means it's good.
Hiiiii!!! its me cathe!
I know I took a lot of time. I was doing something else too. Anyways, to your story.
I felt that as you said you have a lot of grammatical errors and I do not think I have to write about it because others have already done so.
You have improved a lot for your first chapter and I am really happy for you...
In this chapter, I think you must improve on describing stephanie's emotions about her ex boyfriend and her dad. Try to make interesting conversations other than the usual ones to make your writing interesting to the reader. Use different words and make it catchy.
I found it interesting and fun!!
I think you should just work on your grammar and everything else will fall in place!
Keep Writing! Waiting for part 2....
Yours,
Cathe
Hello,
That was wonderful to read and now I'm jittery waiting for part 2. (I have a problem). It doesn't suck, the topic I will admit has some cliche aspects, but you had the ability to make it your own and took the cliche out of it. There are grammar mistakes though a couple of them actually.
should be "As I went through the long summer months, I tried my best to get over my ex-boyfriend Henry."
should be "He made dates fun, and still made me laugh though he was a popular kid in school. I never did forgive him for what he did to me last night."
may sound better like this, "The song reminded her of Henry. She remembered the night he never said goodbye(to her is not needed here). She was heartbroken, betrayed by her own boyfriend."
In the dialogue between Stephanie and Jessica and the beginning as well as other dialogue throughout the piece you neglected the usage of articles. That makes the story a bit harder to understand and would be easier with them. They may be small words, but they are very important.
I understand what you're trying to say, but the wording is still confusing.
"She was worried that Stuart would would forget Stephanie's birthday for the sixth time. She hadn't wanted Stephanie to get upset and cry again. She wanted this birthday to be different, she wanted it to be perfect. She closed her eyes taking a deep breath and then walked to the living room, relieved to see Stuart and the others all dressed up. She was relieved that he had remembered what today was."
There are some other mistakes along these lines and if you need more help let me know and I can help you on the side through google drive or writer's feed pad with the mechanics. Regardless I hope this helped and am looking forward to the way the story unfolds. Good job!
Keep Writing!
~Catcha01
Hi, mate. Mersize here to review.
I will be waiting for part 2. I do think it is going to be nice, when Steph finds out that the party is not for her she will be so crashed (sad face). Although I do not like Stuart; his attitude makes me want to kill him. He did not even remember the day of birth of his child, COME ON! He will be regreted, I think. I hope during the story he gets what he deserves, for being not a good father. I will be expecting for the next part. Now let's go with the...
NITPICKS!
I cannot help it, you have got too many mistakes on your piece of writing. Maybe that is how you want the style of the story to be. Let's begin!
"He gave me a fun time in our date and makes me laugh even through he is popular kid in school. I never forgive him of what he did to me last night." you got some mistakes in those sentences.
"He gave me a fun time in our date(dates)"---- It must be pluralized because you are not talking about one date but sundry.
"And makes(made) me laugh"---you still have problems with tenses, you started with the verb "Gave" in past form and then you just switched into the present form "Makes" you cannot do that.
"Even through(though) he is (was) (a) popular kid(boy) in (the entire) school.----I guess that you overlooked when writing "through" ---the other mistakes "is" like I mentioned before you cannot change tense---Then you need to add an article that modifies "popular" ---And I think "boy" sounds better than "kid" ----Lastly, "the entire" I just think it would look better with it.
I (will) never forgive him of (for) what he did to me last night.
"HE GAVE A FUN TIME IN OUR DATES AND MADE ME LAUGH EVEN THOUGH HE WAS A POPULAR BOY IN THE SCHOOL. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME LAST NIGHT." That is how it would go.
The whole writing has this amount of mistakes! Some of them I think you have overlooked them. It also depends on the writing style you like.
Continue on! I will be wating for the next part!
REGARDS!