Casey's Cave~Part 1

Hello Pinkie. I'm going to take a stab at writing a review, but it's my first so go easy on me if it turns out to be poor.

I have enjoyed the story, there are a few mistakes like wrong words and punctuation missing. I think you don't really have to mention who said what after each line since it is not a script. An interested reader will figure it out on its own if you introduce the dialogue partners at its beginning. The story seems interesting overall although at first sight it gives me the sense of common thriller movies stories. On the other hand it could be something in the style of John Saul who lets the feeling of familiarity get to you in the beginning only to strike you in the middle of the story and give you time to recover from the blow in the end. All in all I can say I had a good reading and you've picked my interest so I'm looking forward for the next part.

Hi Pinkie, Stilinski here. Now I'm new to this whole BBCode thing so hopefully I can pull it off. My edits will be in bold and my comments will be in red

"In this town called Wellspring, the campers were murdered last night in Tansy Forest. The police saw blood and cameras everywhere on the wall of the cave and the ground, but they didn't find any dead bodies anywhere in the forest. They can't find anyone who was responsible for these murders. Officer Fred decided to shut down this cave as soon as possible before anyone else gets hurt.

In the police station, Sarah was waiting in the room for the polices. She stared down at her pale hands, looking sad. She remembered the night of that gruesome murder. Her tears streamed down her face every time she thinks about it. Finally, the two[officers] came in, sitting down at the table in front of her.

"Hi, Ms. Settler, I'm Officer Paul and this is Officer Matt. We'd like you to tell us about what happened last night," said Officer Paul.

You need to work on your tenses. Especially when you're talking about her tears, if you use 'streamed' you use 'thought' because the -ed means you're talking past tense, not present tense. Also, it isn't 'polices', 'police' is plural in itself. In police stations they also usually go by surnames, not first names after the officer.

Sarah didn't say anything, keeping her head down, tears slowly sliding down her face

"Listen, Sarah, we found these cameras in the cave. What had ya'll had been doing in there with them?" Officer Paul took out the cameras and put them on the table.

You said earlier on that cameras and blood had been found across the walls, right? Maybe mention the cameras being broken or in pieces, it adds a little bit of description too.

Sarah still didn't reply to his questions. She just stared at the cameras. Officer Matt became angrier with her. He leaned down to Officer Paul.

"Look, this crap is not working. Can we just leave her be?" Officer Matt whispered.

"No, she will be ready to speak. Just let her take her time," Officer Paul whispered back to Matt.

"You know what? How about I get out of this bull crap?!" Officer Matt stood up and marched to the door.

"Matt, you can't do that. She might get us some info about it!"

"She is not giving us information about it! She's just being mute as hell!" Officer Matt opened the door. Before he [left] his partner, he heard Sarah's voice.

"I told them not to go to her cave....But they never listened"

Officer Matt shut the door and went beside Officer Paul. "Whose cave? What are you talking about 'her cave'?"

Sarah stared at them with her blue eyes. "Casey's Cave...."

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With a camera starting to record, it shows Stephen's face who driving in his car with his friends.

I say re-word this, it sounds a little bit too much like a movie script.

"Hi, everyone and this is me, Stephen Lester. Also these are my crew," Stephen said before he pointed the camera on everyone, "Say hi, everyone."

"Hi!" said all.

Stephen pointed the camera on him again. "Today, we will camp in the place that is forbidden called Tansy Forest. With My wife, Rose Lester, my friend Ricky, and three beautiful women, Daisy, Karen, Sarah. We will film ourselves survive in the entire night and-"

"Hey, Stephen! We found the place!" exclaimed Rose before she pointed at the forest.

Stephen drove into the forest and parked on the path. The crew got out of the car and looked at the place. It had a lot of tall trees and plants. The sun bright around them with a yellow light.

"Yes, it is so beautiful," said Daisy before she walked off to the forest.

"It really is" said Ricky before he followed her, "Hey! Daisy, I am going to get you!"

Daisy screamed playfully as Ricky chased her around. They acted like little kids. Sarah stared at the forest without any movement. She was little scared as she stepped back from it. Suddenly, she bumped into someone and turned around to see who it was. She saw a old guy looked at her with his little eyes. Sarah stepped back and fall into the floor.

"What are you guys doing in this forbidden forest?" the old man asked angrily.

"Oh, we are just camping here for a night. We are making a film," replied Stephen holding a camera at the old man.

"Well, you need to leave here as soon as possible. This place is not safe"

"Well, it seems good to me. Maybe you are too old to understand," Karen said.

Sarah gave her a puzzled frown, but Karen stared at the old man.

"Look, you don't understand. In many years, many campers camped here all the time until they went into some cave named Casey's Cave. In the morning, they never came back."

Sarah gasped about those campers. She thought they should leave this place. She don't want to be die or kidnap. Then, the old man added about the explanation.

"...So fine! Be dead what do I care?!" Old man left the crew in the forest. Sarah just stand there with fear in her eyes as she stared at the back of the old man.

The dialogue need a lot of work here. It sounds very robotic for a group of friends talking to each other. Instead of using things like 'we are' use 'we're'.

"So the man said that the other campers were murdered in the cave too?"

"I didn't think of that way-back in the police station-I thought they were lost in there or something. I didn't know they were murdered too...until now..." Sarah said while staring down.

[colour=red] Since you're jumping back to the police station, make sure you're separating this from the rest of the text so it isn't confusing.[/color]

Meanwhile in the Tansy forest, everyone was setting up the campsite and putting cameras everywhere. Sarah was looking at the camera until she felt strong arms around her waist. She looked and saw Stephen smiling at her.

"Hi, sweetheart, how are you doing?" Stephen said before kissing her cheek.

"1. Get the hell of me!" said Sarah before getting out his grip and looking at him, "And 2. I am not your lover.

Don't type numbers like '1' unless you're stating the/a time. Always use one, two, three ect.

Stephen chuckled and leaned into her face. "Oh, really? You weren't like that at the Christmas party."

"Maybe I was drunk that night. Stephen, you have a wife and child back home. Can you leave me alone?"

Stephen put his hands on her waist again with a smile. "You know that I am your boss, right? My wife will not know shit about it. If she did, I will blame you for forcing me for sex."

"Well, Ricky knows about the one night stand, Stephen." Sarah mumbled.

"I know, but I know he won't tell." Stephen slide his hand to her butt, and Sarah stepped back from him. He chuckled at her reaction. Then, Rose came toward them.

"Hey, honey!" said Rose before leaned in for a kiss, "What are you two doing?"

"We are just talking, right Sarah?" Stephen said with a smile.

Sarah crossed her arms and looked away. "Yes, we are just talking."

"Good. Oh, Stephen, we found a cave over by the campsite. Let's go there!" Rose said happily before dragged Stephen there.

Sarah sighed, grabbed the camera, and followed them.