Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Do do do! Nothing to see here
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140,673 Literary Works • 673,588 Reviews
I was trying to find the next part of the prologue, so I'm not sure if this in the chronological next part in your story or not. I noticed that you throw out a lot of names without really giving them proper introductions. If I missed a chapter somewhere then this would make sense. If not, give us some background, a few descriptions, so that we can get a sense for who these people are without feeling lost. Also, this chapter seemed a little rush. Don't be afarid to slow down and really develop what is happening.
I can tell that this is a rough chapter, but there's definitely some promise here, nothing a few rounds of editing can't fix.
I know this is really short, I will probably read through this again and see if I can't come up with more comments, hopefully soon.
Let's start off with this. I am not a Youtuber, so I have no idea who half these people are, so I'll try my best.
Firstly, you shouldn't say that in your author's note, it show you have no confidence in your own work.
Secondly, your wording of things is a bit off, for example:
"Mary's eye lids was trying to fall down as Mary tried to keep them up. Her vision was blurred. All she see is figures surrouding her. She spun around like crazy until she fall to the floor, unconscious."
I think it should be "Mary's eye lids were shutting on their own and she tried to keep them open. Her vision blurred. She could only see the figures surrounding her. She spun like crazy until she fell to the floor, unconscious."
Basically, I think you should just reword some things.
"Hey! Don't start any drama! We need get her fix and change!" Jessica yelled.
You're missing plurals, the "ed's" for "Fixed" and "Changed".
How does a robot have a heart?
Well now that the cold feedback is over, how about the warm?
To start off, your story is very creative, I'm not exactly sure what the main topic is but it's still good. It needs work but at least you've got the idea. I like the whole mixed family setting, and the fact that they were characters from other shows and books made it unique.
Is Harry, Harry Potter, or Harry Styles?
Keep writing.
Hello, there!
The first thing I'm going to say is that you have a very poor attitude about your writing. It seems to me that because you got some negative reviews on things before, you've completely given up faith in yourself as a writer. You should have more confidence in yourself. Just because people think that your works could improve doesn't mean that you're a terrible writer. Give yourself a chance!
Now, for the actual review. You still have problems with grammar. A lot of times, you switch tenses, or use the wrong form of a verb. Like here:
You switch tenses in the middle of this sentence and you have a comma in the wrong place. This sentence should be
This is just one example. I'm not going to sit here pointing out all of your grammatical errors, because you can probably find them yourself with a quick once-over. Remember, proofreading is very important.
Now, for content.
This isn't a very good wording. It leads me to believe that the sun is exploding and sending solar flares towards the Earth, so it was confusing when you went on to describe beaches and summer. The sun is sending heat and light to the Earth, not fire. You wouldn't be very happy if fire was falling from the skies.
Wait... so you're saying that these people have been living with Mary for years and they don't know that she'll die without her changer? Shouldn't that be basic knowledge? This paragraph seems like it's more for the audience than the characters. I think you could convey this information to us another way, one that's not so obviously exposition.
Also, you shouldn't flat-out tell us that the flashback is a flashback. That's very unprofessional. Instead, you could do something like this.
I'm not sure what this tense is called, but I know that it would work better for your flashback than waving a sign saying "flashback!" in our faces.
Those are the major inconsistencies that I noticed while reading this. Your plot, however, is pretty engaging. I do feel that between Sidney, Stephanie, Mary, Vera, Rosie, James, Harry, Cole, and all the children, there are too many characters to keep track of. It gets confusing. Sometimes I have to stop and think, "Wait, who's that again? Is it the one who's addicted to Youtube? No wait, that's the other one." It's very distracting when you're trying to read.
Also, this doesn't really line up with your prologue. It seems more like a rewrite of the prologue than anything, because it goes into more detail about what happened there.
Despite the numerous errors, I still have to say that I am interested in what happens next, which is a sign that you're doing good with the plot. It could use a lot of fixing up, and remember to have a good attitude! Reviewers aren't trying to bring you down, we're trying to help.
Keep on writing!
Dreamy help me with the corrections. Well, some of it. I did the author notice after she left. So yeah....