Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Jessica
Today was my big day when I got the big message on TV at home. A day that I were nominated in TV Show Awards at Paris because of Responsible Mum, my TV show that my twin brother, Harry, helped me with. When I heard the news, my body was frozen before I squealed in excitement as I jumped up and down which it made my blonde hair hit my face. Harry was jumping up and down which he don't need to because of his lanky height. His hazel hair was flopping up and down whenever he jumped. He smiled and cheered like a toddler. I enjoyed it for a second until I stopped and looked at him.
"Harry?" I said with a unpleasant look.
He stopped and smiled at me with his hazel eyes. "Yes?" he said happily.
"Stop that."
He looked down and whispered, "Okay...."
"Anywho, let's go to our favourite mum." I walked off to outside with Harry was following me. We went into my red Volvo and drove to our mum's house.
After a long drive, we finally made it to our mum's house. It was huge, yellow mansion with beautiful yard at the front. My memories started to replay when I got here. I remembered I used to go the garden at the back when me and Harry was little. It has colorful flowers and green leaves. We used to play Hide-N-Seek in there because it is easy to hide from the seekers. Also, my mum, Sidney Williams, used to make us those handmade chocolate cookies.---Yeah, I know that you guys think we am very special and prefect, but we am not that prefect. My mum didn't spoilered us like those other rich parents do to their children. She just wanted us to do our best to success like what we am now.---
We packed in front of the mansion and went toward the door. My brother knocked on the door hard which made me stared at him.
"Harry," I shouted angrily, "you don't knock like that! She might think it is the polices!"
I pushed him lightly to the side and knocked softly. Then, I heard my mum's voice inside.
"Oh, who is it?" she said in a singing tone.
"It's us, mum," I replied with a smile.
My mum opened the door and greeted us with a smile. She was holding a chocolate cake in her other hand. "Oh, my sweet children came to see me. And congratulations of being in the nominations. I hope you win."
"Thank you, mum." I smiled at her.
"Yeah, and now fork the cake and no one get hurt," joked Harry with his hands out for the cake.
My mum giggled and said, "After you finished your dinner and then you will get it."
"Oh, mum...You broke my heart...But I am already dating someone," Harry responded as he is pretending to be a heart-breaker.
I laughed at him and said, "Mum, can we come in? It is hot outside?"
My mum nodded and moved to the side for us to walk in. After having dinner and enjoyed our last time together, I saw mum was looking down at her floor with a sorrowful face. I thought she was sad that we are leaving her. I touched my shoulder, and she looked at me.
"Mum, it is all right. We will be home soon in three days." I am trying to comforted her, but she still looked sad. Harry realized she was so down after me and asked, "Mum...are you okay?"
Mum didn't responded for a while until she finally answered, "Yes, I'm fine. I am just sad that my daughter and son are growing up and going to Paris without anyone to see me and keep me company."
"Don't worry, maybe you should have your friends to be here with you. You can have a fine time and don't be alone anymore," Harry said with a smile.
My mum smiled at us and sighed when she looked away, but she turned back sad again. She looked at us again. "Look, Jessica, Harry, I have something to make."
I leaned closer to her as I fixed my black glasses and said, "Yes?"
"You have long-lost-" My mum had been cut off by Harry who quickly got up.
"Jessica, we have to go. We need to get to the airport!" he said before he ran outside. I heard him shut the door. I stared back at my mum.
"What are you doing to say, mum?"
"Nothing," she said.
I nodded and ran outside to Harry and left my mum's house. After we packed our bags and got ready to go to Paris, we went to the airport and finally got to the plane.
A/N: My sister did descriptions and I did the dialogue. My sister, Pinkieishere1345, is bad at writing story so I am letting her do this for her to try it.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hi EPICnumber1 here...
Right I am going to get straight to the point, you really need to improve the grammer in this because you have put 'am' where you should have put 'are' for example 'she just wanted us to do our best success like what we am now' this sentence doesn't make sense you need to take out success or add another word in there that makes the sentence make sense, you also need to change the am to are. Also the first sentence needs a comma in there somewhere. There are numerous mistakes in this that need just minor editing.
Right the things I did like. I enjoyed how you described the character Harry. I also liked the plot line, that you won something on a tv show. I liked the first paragraph because it gets straight the point and what is happening by doing that we know what has happend and it helps us understand it easier than if you started where the message doesn't come till the next chapter or later on in the story which would be boring.
Anyway goodluck and keep writing
EPICnumber1 xx
Hi guys!
This was a cool collab, I think the idea is really cool that they've won something for a TV Show and now they get to go to Paris to see if they've won the award. I also like the fact that you've used a brother and sister as your you main people here, (well so far), as I don't often see that- good job. And the story writing isn't bad, but there are a few errors so I'll go over the ones I found now.
I think here, you only need to say 'big' once so I'd get rid of the 'big' before 'message'.
'Were' should be 'was' as you're saying 'I', unless you meant to put 'we' as it is her and her brother, then 'are' is correct.
Firstly 'don't' doesn't make sense here, it should be 'didn't'. But then it still doesn't really make sense, because he's tall he can't jump around in happiness?
There should be a comma after 'favourite', otherwise it sounds like they have two mums (unless they do?).
You, generally, don't say 'Me and X'. And 'was' should be 'were' because you're talking about more than one person.
'Am' should be for talking about one person, but you're talking about more than one, so you should use 'are'.
Should just be 'spoil'.
I think you mean 'police', here?
Okay, so with all the grammar/spelling issues aside, this is an interesting idea. However, something I found to be an issue was the dialogue. I felt in places it was quite dialogue heavy, so it gets a bit boring to read, especially when it's just a random conversation. You should try and break up the dialogue with something else, like the character's thoughts. If you reveal some more of your MC's thoughts, it will allow us to learn more about them.
Also, I didn't really feel like a lot happened in this chapter. We find out straight away that they've been nominated, and then the rest of the chapter is a rather long showing of them going to their mother's and her getting upset. I'm not saying add some more to your story just yet, but maybe some more descriptions would be good because there isn't really much in right now.
Lastly, how old are they? I mean they're old enough to have a TV Show, which leads me to believe that they're adults, yet their mum is upset about them going away for three days? I find this a bit unrealistic, maybe you should clear this up a bit.
Overall, I really like the idea. Just work on the grammar a bit, and maybe add in some more descriptions. I hope this review helped, feel free to ask me any questions or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
Shut up!
And my 10 years-old sister did the descriptions. You don't have to be a rude
Hey! Don't get me in this!
Shut up, I will say everything I want!