A/N: This is my last work on here. Do whatever you want with it.
King Venture
After my daughter's funeral, my wife and I weren't the same royal family of Burlin. We used to be happy and opened our gates to let people in, but now we just shut down the gates and wanted to be alone. The people of Burlin thought she is a monster, but I knew my daughter, Ana, will not do anything to hurt her sister including Gene. We knew that she don't hurt her sister like that. It was accident, and we need her back home with us to solve this situation. In the main room, we waited in our thrones with a unpleasant frowns. Gene were wearing a red dress with matching shoes and sliver crown, and I wore a purple shirt with matching pants and shoes and sliver crown. Then, we heard Herne's voice in the room, running toward us.
Herne belt down and said, "Your highness, I have something to say."
My eyes were wide with suprise including Gene's eyes went wide too. I was ready to hear his words about something.
"Yes?" I asked.
"Your highness, I should find Princess Ana and kill her."
"What?!" Gene and I both said at the same time.
"Sir Herne, I do accepted your statement, but I don't you want to kill my daughter!" I shouted in surprise. I can't believe that Herne wanted to kill my daughter. She is not a killer. She just don't know how to control her powers.
"Your highness, I know that you hate to see your daughter execute. However, in the royal rule, if one of royal members did something terrible, such as murder, they need to be execution without the king's or queen's opinion. I am sorry to do this, but I need to kill her."
I knew I don't want to admit it, but he is right. Ana did something wrong that she didn't tried to commit. I looked at Gene who was staring at me. She knew what we had to do. I nodded my head and turned to Herne.
"Yes, you may execute my daughter," I said in sadness.
Herne smiled and belt down and stood up. "Thank you, your highness."
Herne walked back out of the room. I felt guilty for what I had done. I shouldn't said yes. After twenty minutes later, Gene and I went to the window to see Herne with his ally. He was in front of the army before he walked off into the forest. I held into the my wife as she looked out of the window.
A/N: Ok, I am done. Bye.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Oh, this is freakin awesome! You must continue this, m'dear!
Your style is soo like perfection... it flows right along with everything that you're saying here! (I'll be commenting on the characters and such as I write)
[It looks like thegirlwhowrites got the tenses problems, so I'll just try and help you with style and structure!]
Firstly, I apologize for pulling out so much, right off the bat, but with this I just had some comments.
So obviously, since I know basically nothing of the story line, I won't be commenting on that but on your structure of this paragraph. For on, I think it's a mite too long. Paragraphs should always be three to five sentences. USUALLY. I mean, that's the average. You can always go further, and expand to 6 or 7, but you shouldn't go beyond that. And then you can do one or two sentence paragraphs, if you want, to help get your point across, or because its just a separate idea that you that want to exploit!
Next I wanted to talk about description.
Although their clothing sounds cool, I found the description of them a little flat. When describing something or someone, you should always keep in mind the phrase, show, don't tell. So instead of telling us what they are wearing, why not show us through examples and action. For instance, you could say something along of the lines of, he sat down, and his purple pants did such and such.
lol hope you don't mind that hasty example, but just try and remember that it's always better to SHOW through action and reaction, then just by telling us.
This is another example of you telling and not showing. Try and describe facial expressions, so we can get a better feel of what they look like.
This line is a bit redundant. I put in bold where it is.
This part I can't really understand. I mean, what is he doing actually letting him kill his own daughter?! I would prefer to see just a bit more hesitation and the like from her father, and especially would like to see some emotion from her mother. That's her daughter, and that man is trying to kill her?! Just picture yourself in her shoes, and then think of what you would do, if somebody just walked up and said that he wanted to kill her. RIGHT OUT IN YOUR FACE KILL HER.
Always try and put yourself in your characters shoes before you write a scene. That's at least what I've always done. To make them feel, then you're going to HAVE to feel along with them, and the only way to really do that is to imagine yourself in their shoes.
OK, and that's it from me! Hope this little bit helped ya out, and I'll be keeping an eye out for more!
Spoiler
If you don't know what it is going on, go read the first part. It will help you know what it is going on.
Hi!
No, I didn't read it all because I think what you should do to give this your 100% is to read it over and maybe get some help from a friend or relative about these grammatical errors about the tense especially.
here for a review
so I really like the idea from your story and somehow it reminded me of "Frozen".
I'll start showing you some nitpicks so you know what you should be looking for:
wrong use of tense here, change it to: We used to be happy and open our gates to let people in, but now we just shut down them down [i suggest to take away the second "gates"] and wanted to be alone. I think this sounds better but I might be wrong.
*thought she was a monster
*would not do anything
the last part doesn't really make sense. what do you mean including? If it's not her sister, then I would replace including with "or".
*she didn't hurt
*needed her home
* I would change the "this" to "the" since we don't know what the situation actually is yet
*was wearing
I would change the comma in between "crown" and "and" with a semi colon.
*bent down
*you can't have 'including' and 'too' in that sentence together because they're redundant. Leave the "too" and take away the other one.
hope it helped!