Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
Hi, Eryka. How are you today?" said Pinkie. (Now I can do it on this laptop. Yay!)
Eryka stared at her with her mouth open. She can't believe that she is here....right here in front of her. Then, she heard her sister calling for her.
"Shrinky? Are you in there? Shrinky baby? You know, I always call you before I go to work at FedEx. Hello?"
Eryka hung up on Eryelle's face while staring at Pinkie. Pinkie kept on smiling at her. Then, she snapped out of it to speak.
"P-P-Pinkie, how did you get here? Why did you told me to leave in my dream?" Eryka asked.
Pinkie sighed and replied, "Because everyone was leaving from your imagination land. I don't want to get hurt so I forced you to. Listen, everyone wanted to help you in this outside world."
Eryka raised her eyebrow and said, "What do you mean 'help me'? You're my character from that site called YWS. How can you said that? You don't know what I went though."
Pinkie gave her puzzle frown. "Remember those years: In your hometown called Memphis, you were a shy girl without friends and love."
In Havenview Middle School, Eryka was writing stories in a blank sheet of paper while everyone was talking to each other. She never talk to them or anything. She just stay at her little world into the writing and learning. When a student say hi, she just wave or say hi shyly. She was not a people person just like her older sister. She hates talking to random people and see her classmates every day. Then, she knows that three of her classmate, Taylore, Karen, and Steve, were looking at her and laughing.
"Hey, Eryka. He likes you," Karen laughed as she pointed at Steve.
Steve got a disgusted look on his face and then look at her. "Ewww! I don't want ugly ass bitch! Look at her! She looks ugly like an alien from out of space!" Steve yelled.
Taylore and Karen laughed. Eryka tried her best not to let them get her down. She kept on writing her characters' bios to try ignore them.
"Look, Eryka. You see...nobody likes you. You are just some ugly girl who thinks you are sweet and cute. You don't need to live in this world. You just die!" said Taylore.
The three kept on laughing at her as Eryka got enough with their bullying. She ran out of the room to the bathroom.
"What a stupid, ugly hoe."
Eryka stared at Pinkie who has a frown on her face. "Look, you don't need to help me. I will take care of my self," said Eryka before walking off.
Pinkie stared at her and shook her head before walking to the another side.
Meanwhile in the meeting, everyone was waiting for Eryka to come. It was 1:29 pm and the meeting starts at 1:30.People about to start the meeting until Eryka finally made it to the room.
"Sorry, guys, long time for therapy," said Eryka before she sat down the table, "Ok, who do we got on our up-coming movie, The Halls?"
"Well, Ms. Presley, we are have Ian Marion for Justin, Tina Freemason for Betty, and Wendy Stevenson for Anna. However, we need a a female for the main character!" explained the man with the suit.
"Well, sir, we will find one who can be the top one, but who will be the one who is brave and smart?" questioned Eryka with her hand on her chin.
Then, the door opened wide and the voice appears in a feminine British accent.
"Hi, I am here for an audition."
Eryka realized that voice as she turned to she who that person is. Then, it hits her. That was her character, Jessica. She has blonde hair and blue eyes. She was wearing a white shirt and black short skirt. She also wearing glasses too. Eryka opened her mouth with her eyes went wide.
"Hi, my name is Jessica Williams. I like to be on your movie for Ms. Presley."
Points:
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Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi! there
Bullies don't really care that their words can inflict physical & emotional pain to their subject. Worst, when their subject can't take it anymore that leads to considering something fatal for themselves. I'm happy to know that she finds an outlet & comfort in writing. But, just imagine the shock & disbelief when the character you had in my suddenly appeared before your very eyes. I saw minimal errors in tenses but a little edit this would be a catchy story.
Keep going
> Cha
Hello Pinkie, Wolf here for a review.
So, rawrafied got most of the little nitpicks, and I would recommend you to just take one look over this carefully reading every word, because reviewers can't catch every mistake, no matter how hard they try. I'll focus this review more on content rather than technical stuff.
I actually found this quote interesting. I haven't read through chapter one, but I'm quite curious to try to wrap my mind around what's going to happen and in trying to understand this plot.
This little part kind of makes the reader question the main character's sanity, but in the same way encouraging her to embrace these characters that she has created and have now come to life. I do assume that Jessica Williams is a character in the mind of Eryka as well? The suspense in the end, ah! Can't wait to see who she is.
Though, I wish we would see a little more characterization in Pinkie. Maybe there was quite a bit in Chapter One, but I want to be able to know everything there is to know about Pinkie's personality. Okay, we'll maybe not that much, but I want to be able to get a good idea of it. Is she extremely predictable? Is she clumsy? Does she talk quickly? What are her quirks? Etc.
Anyways, hope to see more good works from you. Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
'Ello~~~! Rawrafied back. First, can I say I love your chapter lengths for YWS. Don't get me wrong, I love long chapters in a physical copy, but editing them aren't as fun and deter my interest. Anyways, let's begin, shall we? :3 Let me also add that I'm going to avoid touching on anything I mentioned last chapter.
Missing quotation mark at the beginning.Wait, is she still on the phone with her sister? How can her sister not here her conversation with Pinkie?
I felt like this should have been in her monologue in chapter one for audience members not familiar with this site. Because 'that site called' doesn't seem like natural dialogue.
Don't capitalize the letter of the word following a colon.
'My self' is one word.
Should be 'other' not 'another'. By the way, 'other side' of what? The side walk? back to imagination land?
Remove one of the 'a's here.
Should be 'and' instead of 'with'.
Very interesting predicament at the end here by introducing the new character. And it seems the others might be able to see her too (we're not quite sure since you cut it off before mentioning if anyone replied back or acknowledged her, but it seems like this may be the case). So there's a chance there really is something going on in the fantasy world. Best of luck with your story. Hope these reviews were helpful. ^_^