Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
God, kill me now
If you can hear me up there
Sitting on the clouds
And staring back at me
I don't want to be on this planet anymore
I tried of going to school
To see the people who always bullied me
I just wanted to curved into a ball
And cry myself to sleep
Sometimes, I believe what they said to me
I just looked at myself and called myself fat
And stupid whore
I hated to be in my life
Which I mostly needed to get away
I hated to see my family members going away
As their souls flew away from their bodies
I don't want people to see me cry or mad
I just wanted them to leave me alone
And don't see me as emotional person
I just hated myself and my life
I wished that I am dead
In ash to ash
Until I am long gone
As I repeat myself, God
Please, kill me now
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Fat is a word we overuse, especially bullies. Don't worry so much about that one word, I'll bet that you're a beautiful young lady, smart and beautiful all in the same package. Anyhow, I know that you don't deserve to die. You're a good person, those bullies should just forget it. I know that you have to let your emotions out, and this is how I do it too. This is beautifully written, but please, don't kill yourself.
Pinkie! I hope you are doing okay my friend!
Don't listen to people who bully you (I know this is easier to say than do). They are jealous, wrong, and are just not confident enough in their own self so they make fun of others. You are smart, funny, kind, and you're getting to be a good writer as well.
I completely understand what you're saying here, sometimes a person feels really sad but it feels worse to have everyone else know that you're sad at the same time.
As far as reviewing this piece, you did a great job with spelling and grammar in this poem. You improve every time I read a new piece. The only big issue I saw was "curved" should be "curled" for "curled up in a ball"
Like @Nightcrawler said when you're feeling down sometimes all you can do is turn to God for guidance and love. Know also that you are not alone you have your sister @Pinkieishere1345 and you have a lot of people on YWS who are here to support you and can talk or listen if you need to chat.
Stay strong Pinkie, and let me know if there's anyway I can help. You are an awesome friend and I hope the best for you.
Your friend,
alliyah
Hey Pinkie.
Before I go on to review, I want to make sure you are okay. Are you really feeling suicidal? I know high school sucks a lot sometimes, and it can get pretty depressing, but don't give up here, alright? God isn't some boring guy sitting in the sky, watching you flail around. He loves you and will give you guidance, if you ask him. You can also talk to me if you need too. Don't give up!
On to the poem itself, okay?
This seemed more like a prayer or a stream of thoughts than a poem. I understand that it is probably meant to be free style, or prose, but there is no flow for me at all. Sometimes I wasn't sure how the sentences related to each other.
The tenses are also incorrect. It is supposed to be present tense, I am assuming, but there are many errors in which you switch to past tense or something else entirely. An example of this is,
It depends on what tense you are meaning this to be in. If it is supposed to be present (which I think would be better), 'wished' should be 'wish'. Something should change to make this make sense.
Also, there are a few grammar errors and no period. I know you may mean it for it to be that way but I would like at least one period at the end. One quote that doesn't make much sense would be
I think 'curved' should be curl, or you should add a 'be' after 'to'.
I also noticed odd links to the same work placed at seemingly random words. Do you know what that is? These errors also make me wonder, are you fluent in English? No offense, there are just some things in here that make me wonder. If you need any more help with this, let me know. Or if you are feeling bad about yourself. Hang in there!
Thanks!
Keep writing and being amazing!
~Night
...I am going through killing myself moments and you are making it...
And yes, I speak English. Why people always asking me these questions?
Don't kill yourself. Talk you someone you care about about how you are feeling.
We care about you, Pinkie! You have awesome works and are a unique, beautiful person. Don't give up!
Hey pinkiegirl13! Unknown391625 here with another review!
Ok, this is a very good poem! Though, I think I found one mistake. You spelled whore, though I don't know if you meant to spell it that way, or you just accidentally misspelled it. Anyways, I love it! It is very dramatic, which I love about it! You definitely categorized the genres with the story. Same with the rating and the fact that it is poetry. Good job, Pinkie! I will look for more of your stories and poems. Don't give up and always write, Pinkiegirl13!
-Unknown391625
Hello, Pinkiegirl13, I've seen that you have written many more strange works in your time on YWS. Well, congratulations, and thanks for the follow!
Okay, the first thing I noticed was that "tired" is misspelled. I think you wrote this on the iPad, it doesn't seem to recognize that this sentence doesn't make sense.
"I tried of going to school.."
I've noticed in the past that this is a common mistake, people often make it, and you don't have to change it. But it's one minor thing that can change people's views on you...don't you think this sentence doesn't make sense with "curved"?
"I just wanted to curved into a ball..."
And this sentence slightly is wrong, you could put "from" after "away".
"Which I mostly needed to get away..."
Also,
"And don't see me as emotional person...."
you could put "an" before "emotional".
Later...
"I wished that I am dead..."
Don't you think that you should cut out the present tenses? And what's with the lack of punctuation in this poem? This was awesome, don't get me wrong; I was meant to follow you!
-wisegirl22, with love