z

Young Writers Society


12+

There Are Holes in Her Eyes

by Charm


There are holes in her eyes,

Where the love used to be,

Where the lies ripped,

and where the torment ruled.

*

There are holes in her eyes,

as big and as dark

as the starless night.

No light was bright enough,

No matter how hard they tried.

*

There are holes in her eyes,

Where innocence used to play.

There are holes in her eyes,

That get bigger every day.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
277 Reviews

Points: 1335
Reviews: 277

Donate
Fri Nov 11, 2016 4:55 pm
Charm says...



WHY DOES THIS HAVE 19 LIKES?!?!!? this is literal trash




User avatar
110 Reviews

Points: 3092
Reviews: 110

Donate
Sun Feb 28, 2016 6:52 am
TahaT11n wrote a review...



Hi, writer. I will leave a short review.

Where the lies ripped,

and where the torment ruled.

I think, these two lines contradict the previous line-
Where the love used to be,

If there was love, why did you mention torment and lies? I couldn't really get that.

No light was bright enough,

No matter how hard they tried.

These two lines are good.But, I think, you could have made them more beautiful using some other not so common as "light, bright, enough, no matter" words...Also, the second line felt a bit too usual..I think, you should try to write them a bit differently.

Where innocence used to play

This is the line that I loved the most..Really. It has a good ring to it.

That's all from me. The overall poem was really very good. Just try to include a variation in the words and your poems will sparkle! :)




Charm says...


Thanks for this review



User avatar
54 Reviews

Points: 524
Reviews: 54

Donate
Sun Feb 07, 2016 3:38 pm
StupidSoup says...



Your second stanza is a bit rough. Otherwise the poem is ok. There's a little flow work needed.




Random avatar

Points: 240
Reviews: 0

Donate
Thu Feb 04, 2016 11:40 am
Titus says...



Nice choice of words simple but heavy in meaning




User avatar
151 Reviews

Points: 4549
Reviews: 151

Donate
Thu Feb 04, 2016 4:51 am
writerkitty says...



I love it!
It's really creative. The emotions you brought out here are amazing. And the darkness hidden within is beautifully brought out by your amazing creativity.
Good job and never stop writing!!! :)




Charm says...


Thank you!



User avatar
107 Reviews

Points: 400
Reviews: 107

Donate
Thu Feb 04, 2016 4:14 am
EverStorm says...



This is great!! You use real imagery and basically force your reading into feeling and sympathizing.

This is a great poem, but I hope this will be your last sad one for a while!!




Charm says...


Thank you! I think it will be my last really sad one for a while. I'm not very good at writing about anything else but the negative emotions.



User avatar
19 Reviews

Points: 647
Reviews: 19

Donate
Thu Feb 04, 2016 3:22 am
View Likes
caliginous wrote a review...



Hello there, caliginous here~

First of all, you say you think this is trash? Well, I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with you there. Don't be so quick to put yourself down! Have faith in your writing! But I'm going to have to agree that all writers put themselves down at first. It's hard to know if what you've written is actually considered good by others. But don't you worry about that, you humble scum.

Well anyway, onto improvements!

The rhythm was overall pretty smooth, but there's one spot that just bothered me.

There are holes in her eyes,
as big and dark
as the starless night.

That second line in the second stanza is just so short and seems to almost stick out. I keep finding myself adding an extra "as" before "dark," to make the line read "as big and as dark" just because it seems to fit better with the next line, "as the starless night." The extra "as" seems to continue the nice rhythm you have going. Perhaps you should consider adding the extra "as," but it's your poem. Do as you please.

Rhyme scheme onviously plays a big role in this poem, only you have used it in a unique way—it is nonexistent up until the last line. I really enjoyed this in your poem, for it caught me by surprise and definitely brought attention to the last line. But that's just it—the last line just doesn't seem to have that flare a poem should end on. Although it obviously has a deep meaning, the rather drab way it was conveyed isn't exactly thought-provoking. I would suggest doing something interesting with this line, just to go out strong. I read your poem a few times over, and have come to the conclusion that putting spaces between the few pas words would really catch the reader's eye. This could be done in many ways, though. Let me show you what I mean:
There are holes in her eyes,
Where innocence used to play.
There are holes in her eyes,
That get bigger
Every
Day.

~or~

There are holes in her eyes,
Where innocence used to play.
There are holes in her eyes,
That get bigger
every
day.

~but wait, I'm not done there~

There are holes in her eyes,
Where innocence used to play.
There are holes in her eyes,
That get bigger every day.


Now you may find this more unnecessary than interesting. But it is just a suggestion. There are also many more ways to do this if you know what I'm getting at and would like to pursue it, but don't like my ideas.

Finally, your descriptions. No, of course I don't have anything negative to say on this front. I just wanted to say they're excellent. "B-E-A-utiful."

Overall, you're an amazing poet. No matter poorly you regard your writing, no matter how much you truly believe it is "trash," just remember you're your own worst critic. Because to the rest of us, you are a fantastic writer who pours their soul into every piece.

Hope I was able to help!
~caliginous~




Charm says...


Thank you! Also the whole rhyming thing xD That makes me laugh because I never rhyme in my poem and I don't even think about it. It sort of just happens. A lot of people say my other poems rhyme at times as well.



User avatar
7 Reviews

Points: 632
Reviews: 7

Donate
Thu Feb 04, 2016 3:06 am
View Likes
hwrites wrote a review...



This is really great. Your description skills were very prominent in this poem. One of my favorite qualities of it was your ability to make a poem so childish yet dark. My favorite stanza is definitely the 2nd, I love the references to the sky. The line "No light was bright enough, no matter how hard they tried" is really beautiful. The last phrase "There are holes in her eyes that get bigger everyday" was a great ending to the poem. I love all of the metaphors that you used, as well. Great job on this! I'll be following to read more of your work :-))

-h :-)))




Charm says...


Thank you! I really wanted to write a poem about a little girl who had lost her innocence. I wanted it to seem childish with a dark background, thank you again.



User avatar


Points: 243
Reviews: 3

Donate
Thu Feb 04, 2016 2:57 am
View Likes
OrielDoe says...



I can sense the eerie melancholy, you're great with emotions. Make another!




Charm says...


Thank you! I have written a few other poems like this one. if you look on the blue column on the right side of the screen, it lists other poems of mine.



User avatar
17 Reviews

Points: 289
Reviews: 17

Donate
Thu Feb 04, 2016 2:17 am
View Likes
Angrynoodles says...



Great Job!




Charm says...


Thanks! I still think it's trash though, hahaha. But don't all writers think their work is trash xD




"I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul."
— Pablo Neruda