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eat the moon

by Anamel


            eat the moon

if i pull the moon apart in my hands
would its woven seams unravel and spill
lurid light, like the yolk of a swan’s egg,
crack and baptize my fingers in holy light?

or, perhaps, it would be delicious and hallowed,
as remnants of sweetened rice flour
coat my grit teeth and sallow face--
and the glass of its unpolished shell
slice my wretched heart apart.


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29 Reviews


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Sun Sep 29, 2019 5:05 pm
promptlyby12 wrote a review...



Hi Anamel!
I gotta say, the title really had me hooked, i read it and I was like, "I've got to read this" and I applaud you for that. In my opinion the title is the most important part of any poem to start with.
I'm trying to figure out what deeper meaning the poem holds, and you writing 'idk' in the description is not helping with that! I mean your descriptions and the imagery included are just amazing, but the poem had got to mean something more than what eating the moon feels like(right?). Okay, Im going to say that the poem represents a dream. By dream I mean dreams of what one wants in life, what one believes is going to make their life perfect. Eating the moon is an impossible task, which represents how most of our dreams seem impossible. The poet is thinking about that goal, and wondering what it would be like to 'eat' it, and how it would change their lives. The first stanza is all dreamy and talk about how the poet's dream will make his/her life holy by 'baptising' it. It talks about all the wonderful sruff, and I believe the swans egg represents hatching dreams and hopes.
Then, the second stanza comes up which shows doubt. "Will i fulfill my dream?". This one is a mixture of both fantasies (delicious) and worries( hollowed, slice my wretched heart, coat my grit teeth and sallow face). The contrast between the 2 stanzas, and the similarities in them really adds to the poem a lot.

One thing I absolutely love abiut poems like this is that they give the reader a lot to think about. They don't throw out information, but give just enough information to tease at what the poem means, the rest is up to the reader. That is why I absolutely love this poem. The use of words, language is amazing. There are a few structural edits I would suggest but I notice that other reviews have already mentioned all of those.
I absolutely loved this! Thank you for sharing!
Have a great day/night.
-Ani




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Fri Sep 20, 2019 2:07 am
Daughter wrote a review...



Hello, there! I'm @Daughter, here to drop you a review.
Let's dive in!

At first glance, the title to your poem was very amusing. I assumed that I was about to scan through a comedic piece, or at least something with a funny edge to it. However, that was not the case. You blew any expectations I had out of the water entirely, and I thank you. For what you've done here is not only indeed full of suspense and mystery, but the imagery is absolutely spot on.

From what I can see, there is very little that I have to critique, so apologies if I do seem nitpicky. You've made my job very hard!
For starters, I did end up realizing that although my interperation of your title was quite pleasant, it was a bit of a red herring. As you are most likely well aware of, to "eat the moon" is an unrealistic and (very possibly) impossible challenge to undertake. And for that reason, readers may get the wrong idea and mistake your work as a comedy. I do know certain people that become almost offended by such a change in scenery, and although I've got no problem with it, I'd suggest that in the future you reconsider how you title your work, just in case.

I'd also like to help you with line structure. Your stanzas are separated nicely, but the content within them, although beautiful, can flow exquisitely in specific areas and then be lacking in others. Some lines are much clunkier upon inspection than at first glance. You also lack a rhyme scheme, which isn't necessarily for a poem but might have connected/strung things just a bit better.
Here's an example of a line that could be modified:

coat my grit teeth and sallow face--

"Grit teeth" can be shortened just to "teeth". That would help you rid yourself of those pesky extra words. Little things like that can go a long way.

Overall, I'm in love with this piece. You've done such a great job here!
I can't wait to see what you write next.

Thank you for sharing,
Arden




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Sun Sep 15, 2019 10:04 pm
Magestorrow wrote a review...



Hey there, Anamel! The title of your poem looked interesting, so I thought I'd try my best to review it.

One of the first things that struck me was the brevity of your poem. It would have been easy for you to describe more potential ways that the moon could be eaten, but I liked how you narrowed it down to two - it made it easier for the reader to digest, and also made the two ways you describe it more memorable.

Speaking of which, I really loved your descriptions! This poem felt like something I might have seen in a published poetry book thanks to your word choice - it was incredibly mature and unique. I keep rereading it and being incredibly impressed by what you wrote. My favorite description has to be the one that you opened with; it was some of the clearest imagery in the entire work.

The only piece of constructive criticism I have is that some of the lines felt a little clunky. It wasn't frequent enough to affect my love of your poem or struggle with reading it, but a few of your word choices made me have to pause and reread the line I just finished reading.

Here's an example of one of them:

coat my grit teeth and sallow face--


I've only seen grit used as a noun in a past, so seeing it as an adjective felt unnatural. Another word with a similar meaning might be a better choice in future versions of this poem, but it's really up to you.

Overall, I loved your poem! I still have some reviews I need to do for my reviewing goals this month, so you'll probably see me review more of your works in the future.

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Sun Sep 15, 2019 11:11 am
SuperOriginalName wrote a review...



Dear @Anamel,

I don't even know what to say. This is really good! I was skeptical at first, maybe because the description is, literally, "idk." It could of also been the title. It is very interesting and unique, and (hate to admit it) I sort of.. Put it off to the side. Now I realize that I should of read it earlier, rather than almost forgetting about it. Don't get me wrong, I am very open-minded and will love to see you post again!!!

However, you know this is a review, and I would like to help you improve your writing skill over time.
Let's begin!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1) Title/Description

As I said before, I was skeptical at first. First of all, the title has no capitals. Instead of "eat the moon" it could be "Eat the Moon." In my opinion, this just adds a level of sophistication to your poem, and I think yours could really use it. Not because it is bad, just because your poem is the type that could look "professional" or "really nice," you know?

The description of the poem kind of through me off a bit as well. Just saying "idk" doesn't really mean anything other than "I don't know." Instead of this, you could say something like: "What would the moon taste like?" Or... Something along the lines of that. Again, it makes your poem seem more important.

2) More Capitals...

I seem very into capital letters recently, but I swear I'm not obsessed over it. Anyway, throughout the entire poem I didn't see any capitals at all. I do hope you know where to place capitals in a poem, but if you do not, I am sure there is a forum about it on this website!

3) Visual

I really like how you put so much effort into the visual aspect of your poetry. It really adds to what you were (hopefully) going for. Keep it up!

4) Layout

To me, at first, your poetry piece didn't have any stanzas. When I looked again, I could see. My point is that you could add like a little "—" or "~" between stanzas so that it is easier to tell when one ends and when another one starts. Also, the entire thing is in italics. Though, I did say that in a critique way, I actually quite like it. I think it sets the mood.

5) Rhythm

Towards the end, your poem kind of looses its rhythm a bit. I don't know what else to say, but try and find a rhythm you like, and stick with it throughout the poem. You don't have to stick with it throughout ALL your poems though. Explore until you find one you're satisfied with!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In conclusion, I want to help you progress as a writer and I hope to see your amazing work in the future!
Until next time!!! :D

-@SuperOriginalName




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Sat Sep 14, 2019 10:24 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...



This is incredibly interesting @Anamel! Definitely one of my favorite's I've read this week.

You really nail the imagery in this piece, I mean the really unique image of trying to eat the moon and then tearing it apart - is so creative - and each description is heavy with meaning. It's a short poem so I think I'll go line-by-line and then let you know what my overall impression/interpretation is.

line-by-line comments

"eat the moon" - > perfect title use, because I wanted to read as soon as I read the title.

"if i pull the moon apart in my hands" -> description is violent but also intimate -> It makes me think that this is a metaphor for the speaker wanting to do something that feels equally impossible. The pulling apart, might be a symbol for wanting to know something or someone better too. Maybe they long to know themselves better, or someone else, or just know more about the world.

would its woven seams unravel and spill - great imagery, that has this contrast of both "neat and tidy" with the woven seams // contrasting to this messy spilling imagery. -> makes me think of how things are not always what they seem on the outside. Nice consonance too with "would/woven" & "unravel/ spill"

"lurid light, like the yolk of a swan's egg" here the sound devices hit a little harder with the "l" & "i" sounds repeated. I'm not sure why exactly it's a swan's egg, but it's a super visual.

"crack and baptize my fingers in holy light?" woah this line is quite interesting / you're throwing in a bit of religious allusion with baptismal/holy light metaphor. -> I'll also say that so far the poem is heavy in imagery that evokes the feminine -> moon, woven seams, yolks, eggs, baptismal/birth/healing waters... so that's interesting too. I like what's being said so far, but it's almost so fantastical that I'm not catching what any of this could practically be a symbol for. In this line my other critique is you just used the word "light" one line before, so the repetition feels a bit too soon. fire, spark, flame, glow might all work for synonym replacements.

stanza 2
or, perhaps it would be delicious and hallowed -> not sure what the "or" is contrasting here, because you established that the moon may be food/edible (line 3) & holy (line 4) so it sounds like you're saying "if I open the moon it might be an egg that blesses me, or perhaps it would be delicious and holy" -> the line feels redundant, like a false option, the next line almost fixes it, but I'm not a fan of that line, much less evocative than the previous ones.

as remnants of sweetened rice flour -- the weird thing about this image, is remnants is like the small bits that are left over that have potential for growth, the 'remains' as it were. And "rice flour" is already something that's been ground up - so it's already remnants. So although remnants is a fun word, it doesn't give us anything too new. Unless it's purposely redundant, like "seed of a seed" / "leftover of leftovers" - I don't think the "sweetened" part is necessary in that case, because it interrupts the image. The sentence also follows unclear from the preceding one - is the speaker saying "this is as tasty as sweetened rice" or "this would also be tasty if it was rice" - could be read both ways because of the "as" being a bit unclear.

coat my grit teeth and sallow face - these details seem a bit more significant. There's a contrast between the white softness of the moon and the grit and sallow-color of the speaker, it definitely evokes the baptizing & light imagery from stanza 1. I don't think the double dash is necessary at the end, and I wonder if "coat" should be "coats".

and the glass of its unpolished shell - this is pulling back into the egg imagery, but doesn't really match the images we've been given so far of something crafted (woven) and pure (light, holy, hallowed) - so I'm wondering if unpolished is just supposed to evoke an untouched sort of vibe. Either way I don't like how this contrasts with the details we've already been given about the moon, because although you're bringing the egg imagery back in, the unpolished part seems to contradict stanza 1, so it's hard to get a continuous impression or picture of what's being described. It's okay to throw a bunch of mixed metaphors together, but the mixed metaphors shouldn't contradict each other in my opinion, because it makes them meaningless rather than layered then.

slice my wretched heart apart - a sort of violent ending, that makes me think the speaker got what was coming to her from cracking open the moon / or metaphorically for exploring/entering relationship with whatever the moon symbolized.

Alright - so let's get to interpretation of this deal!

Interpretation
So first off I'll admit, that this poem was difficult to wrap into one coherent meaning, that being said, I still enjoyed sifting through the imagery, and even if readers don't "get" what the moon symbolizes, I think can find an easily identifiable narrative in that - 1) Speaker breaks open Moon / taking what is not their's, 2) Moon is very mysterious, might seem good at first, or seductive, or desirable, 3) Ultimately the speaker risks being killed, because the moon is too mysterious and dangerous for the speaker's own good (line 3).

Making this poem a bit more concrete I interpreted it two ways.

1) The moon stands as a symbol for what we as humans can't hold or consume - ie. the earth/planet, the divine, maybe certain philosophical questions - and we can make choices in our lives to explore and dive into these sorts of topics, and they might be to our benefit, but we always one the risk of getting hurt or even destroyed for digging too deeply into what isn't our's to have. This could be an ecological or a theological statement actually. Don't pretend you are the master of the earth, because the earth is more complicated than you can ever understand. There's almost a warning against selfishness, or thinking too highly of ones' self in the last two lines.

2) My second interpretation is that moon stands for a specific person in the speaker's life - they desire to know the person more deeply and intimately, to know what lies in their own mind/soul/heart - and they anticipate that knowing them more intimately might be rewarding for them personally (could make them holy [line 4], nourish them [line 3], feed them, make them better than they are [line 7]) - but they reflect in this poem, that to know someone can sometimes be done in oppressive ways "pulling them apart" [line 1] and that the unraveling & knowing, can be ill-fated and even turn their oppression back on them. Knowing someone else, can leave you vulnerable to heart-break or rejection [line 9].

Overall
I'm really impressed by how much you pack into this little poem, as I sort of said in the line by line, I think the second stanza (besides the final line) is much less rich in its imagery - and doesn't seem to be supporting the first stanza. I would like to see you make the imagery a bit more continuous to give readers a better picture of what you're describing, and make the piece seem less random. Because as is, there are times when it almost feels like each line is just a separate disconnected image rather than something meant to create a narrative or meaning.

I also commented on how there is a lot of traditionally feminine imagery in the first stanza, and I think this goes away in the second stanza, so it might be interesting to heighten this up a bit more as well. I tried to find a coherent meaning/narrative from the piece and I think it's fairly open to many interpretations - the mood is whimsical, daring, dangerous, and even sort of romantic/sentimental I like those contrasting tones you were able to draw out with different word choice/images.

Let me know if you had any questions about my review, I'd be happy to comment more. I look forward to reading more of your work!

- alliyah

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Anamel says...


This is such an amazing review, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate your critiques and will work on them. I actually based this poem off of looking up at the moon and wondering, if it was something you could feel in your hands what it would be like. I'm quite surpised by your interpretations and I write without thinking and I think those meanings resonate a lot so it could be something subconcious. Once again thank you



Anamel says...


This is such an amazing review, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate your critiques and will work on them. I actually based this poem off of looking up at the moon and wondering, if it was something you could feel in your hands what it would be like. I'm quite surpised by your interpretations and I write without thinking and I think those meanings resonate a lot so it could be something subconcious. Once again thank you



alliyah says...


You're very welcome - it's a marvelous poem!




Once I had asked God for one extra or two extra inches in height but instead he made me as tall as the sky, so high that I could not measure myself.
— Malala