“Hey, Jackdaw, buddy, can you hear me in there?
Four walls, hollow. White and cold.
Bricks on fire.
Two steps, laden with the sharpshoot
Of a broken pencil.
Three crows. No jackdaws. Shapeshifting at the break of dawn.
Two dream eaters. They’re ripping through the yellow garden.
The ancient wheel, fraught with disaster and decay
Stops and stares.
Those hollow eyes
Tear right through me.
“I really don’t wanna leave him here.
Can you just reason with me for a second?
My brother ain’t no harm.”
Blankness, never ending. Enwrapping. Is it a hug?
The talons, scraping. Scratching. Is it my love?
And I see the scarlet figures glowering
And I hear the green grasses laughing
And I feel the lemon tick bomb timing
To stop, to go, to run, to walk, to scream
Kiss the hull, jump board, swim to shore
Do I care to shake with the song of their boos?
Do I care to sway back and forth ‘till the noose lets loose?
“THAT MAN HAS A SCREW LOOSE!
I SAY WE PULL HIS HEAD LOOSE!”
Oh, Jackdaw, Jackdaw, Jackdawjackdawjackdaw--
your last cry haunts my ears.
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139,354 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
This is a very well-written poem! Throughout it, I could feel myself started to see things from Jackdaw's side and perspective - the words are spinning and confusing like the schizophrenia, and it's a very neat effect!!
"Two dream eaters. They’re ripping through the yellow garden." This line right here has an absolutely stunning effect, and one can really feel the pain Jackdaw himself is in. It's intriguing and interpretive and everything a line from a poem such as this one should be. Lovely!!
"Blankness, never ending. Enwrapping. Is it a hug?
The talons, scraping. Scratching. Is it my love?"
Here I can really feel jackdaw's confusion, as he's not sure what to make of pain and even considers that it could be something loving. VERY cool portion!!
The way you intersperse Jackdaw's thoughts with his sibling's dialogue is haunting and absolutely gorgeous.
"And I see the scarlet figures glowering
And I hear the green grasses laughing
And I feel the lemon tick bomb timing
To stop, to go, to run, to walk, to scream
Kiss the hull, jump board, swim to shore
Do I care to shake with the song of their boos?
Do I care to sway back and forth ‘till the noose lets loose?
“THAT MAN HAS A SCREW LOOSE!
I SAY WE PULL HIS HEAD LOOSE!”
Oh, Jackdaw, Jackdaw, Jackdawjackdawjackdaw--
your last cry haunts my ears."
This whole section sent goosebumps through my whole body. It's absolutely incredible. I genuinely don't know how to describe the way it made me feel but the images and thoughts and emotions it provokes are utterly perfect.
Overall, this is an absolutely fantasic work and you should DEFINITELY be proud. Also; have you ever heard The Mind Electric by Miracle Musical? It starts off with the whole song playing backwards and in the middle it starts properly playing, but it covers similar topics and has the same general feel as this poem (high praise; the song is stunning). You should check it out!
Good morning, evening, afternoon, night, or whichever applies to you in your respective time zone at the moment. Anyway, onto the review. I really liked this poem! It had a unique structure, and it painted a vivid picture of chaos in the reader’s head.
I think my favorite line was the fifth stanza’s second line:
“Do I care to sway back and forth ‘till the noose lets loose?”
I think this line can be applied to everyone’s life, making this piece relatable, even if someone is not suffering from any mental disorder. I really enjoyed your poem! I hope to see more of your work around! Have a good rest of your day, and stay safe!
-Lizzy