a revolutionary;
the word sparks electricity on my tongue
old minds feed on the striving young,
they crave for a tough flesh to impale
and i’ll give them something good.
what will it take?
your hands are bloody and cracked,
a contract fastened on a tug of war
and i’m the only one balancing on the rope.
i will be your scapegoat.
it’s almost divine,
the intoxicating power
of play pretend
a blue heart invisible to the eye,
to be the desecration of a world’s holy land.
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139,362 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hi, @Anamel! I saw this lurking in Green Room and it looked great from a quick skim, so I thought I'd try my hand at reviewing it.
Your poem reminds me of Jonathon Stroud's take on revolution in his Bartimaeus Trilogy series; as you said in the description of the poem, revolution often sounds better on paper. I think you captured that aspect of revolution perfectly. There's a great juxtaposition between the passions that revolution inspire and the actual cost - I think the first stanza and second stanza do a great job of highlighting that difference when put together.
I especially liked this line:
My one critique of it is that play should probably have -ing at the end; it doesn't flow as well as it could right now. But besides that one little grammatical nitpick, it's one of the strongest set of lines in the entire poem. If I had to show someone just a stanza of your poem to show your poem's theme, I would pick that one.
I've done a lot of reviewing the past few days, and I can honestly say this poem is my favorite out of everything I've read so far. It's short, descriptive, and incredibly powerful. Something tells me this won't be the last time I read it.
I hope this ends up in the literary spotlight - it definitely belongs there!
I really enjoyed. I like that there was a good flow and semi-rhyming going on. I would say that in the first line I would take out the letter "a" and just have the word revolutionary. There's no capitalizing at the begining of sentences but there are endpoints so that kind of doesn't go. In the last line of the first stanza "i'll," the I should be capitalized. In the second to last line and last line in the second stanza the, "i," should be capitilized. I loved the line, "I will be your scapegoat." I just really liked that line and how powerful it was. I completely loved the whole last stanza it was just really good and the ending line was awesome and just brought everything together. Thanks for writing I hope to read and review more from you soon.
Thank you! The format is intentional