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the blood of a butterfly

by Anamel

In the dimmest light she coaxes you close
With spiral eyes, wormholes that made you froze
Her hand slides up your wrist, it closes over yours
With watery Neptunian eyes and a heart of Mars.

The monarch crumples, its summer wings fold
Pastel syrup mingles between your fingers and hers,
A step closer she takes, and once more the innocent stirs,
Warm is the blood of the living, and she is awfully cold.

Lanterns flicker above the lamb and its shepherd,
She fondles your ears and whispers tangles of letters,
Words only this orange evening will be left to witness
When she adorns your sweet corpse with flowers.

A jaw of metal encapsulates your fleshy heart,
And her narrow hand guides your fingers to your lips,
Its filmy body crunching between your hanging teeth
Victim to a murder of passion, lamb to the slaughter.

In the darkness she breaks your horns,
With a searing tongue, hands that leave burns
The only immortals: a pale moon and dusk sun,
A false god and a sacrifice, and light there is none.

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1235 Reviews

Points: 35282
Reviews: 1235

Sun Jan 26, 2020 1:26 am
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niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there Anamel! Niteowl here to review for the Clear Sky Protocol this fine Review Day!

Overall, I think this is very interesting and has a lot of great imagery. It's rather surreal, but has a strong story of someone who falls prey to someone beautiful and yet destructive and sadistic. I'm going to go stanza by stanza on this one.

The first stanza sets us up with some neat space imagery, but I think it could be a little tighter. "Wormholes that made you froze" sticks out because grammatically, it should be "freeze", making the whole line feel like a forced rhyme. Maybe it could be rewritten like "With spiral eyes like wormholes that froze", which is grammatically correct so the rhyme feels less forced. I also think "watery Neptunian eyes" is a little clunky. It might flow better as just "Neptune eyes"

I like the first line of the second stanza, but the next two lines feel weirdly long. Plus I think they could be switched because the "pastel syrup" seems to be the blood you're talking about in the fourth line.

The third stanza is excellent, especially the second line.

"Encapsulates" feels clunky. I think "encloses" would say the same thing and flow better. I'm also a little unclear as to what's going on in this stanza. Why is she moving your fingers to your lips? Is it supposed to be her lips? Okay, upon rereading I realize that she's making the narrator eat this butterfly she killed, but that took a while for me to comprehend. Maybe instead of "your fingers", it could be referencing the body itself? I also find it odd that this stanza doesn't rhyme at all.

The final stanza is solid, painting a picture of death and darkness.

Overall, I find this rather weird but good. Keep writing! :D

Anamel says...

thank you

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Points: 200
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Fri Jan 03, 2020 5:13 pm

I love the title and strong choice of words

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Points: 200
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Fri Jan 03, 2020 5:12 pm
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I love the title and strong choice of words

Anamel says...

Thank you

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111 Reviews

Points: 9075
Reviews: 111

Thu Jan 02, 2020 6:49 am
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tgham99 wrote a review...

You have a wonderful mastery of imagery, which is what makes this poem so interesting and engaging to read! I particularly like the lines "A jaw of metal encapsulates your fleshy heart, / And her narrow hand guides your fingers to your lips", though I'm a fan of the entire poem as a whole.

There aren't any grammar or spelling issues, so kudos to you for making this poem both engaging and smooth to read. The first lines of the first and second stanzas are missing periods at the end of the sentences, but I'm assuming that this was a literary decision on your part to keep a solid rhythm going in the mind of the reader.

Also, I'm not sure if it was done intentionally, but I love the fact that you contrasted the image of a butterfly -- a creature typically associated with beauty and peace in nature -- with the more harsh, almost graphic image of blood and carnal themes in general.

This poem does a really good job of evoking a sense of urgency and, at some times, a sense of anxiousness as well -- your use of the words "death", "corpse", and even "cold" further develop the contrast between a butterfly and the vividly graphic nature of a more bloody, more frightening scene.

Anamel says...

Thank you :)

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454 Reviews

Points: 1158
Reviews: 454

Thu Jan 02, 2020 3:03 am
Rascalover wrote a review...


I absolutely love the imagery I get from the descriptions you have written out. I love the rhythm and beat of this poem, and I don't really have much to say against this piece. The only thing I will point out is that the word bequeathed in the fourth stanza, last line, seems a little forced. I'm not sure what else would work there, but maybe play around with a few different words.

Thanks for the great read,
<3 Rascalover

Anamel says...

That's true lol bequeathed is out of place, I might try and change that haha

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