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139,362 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hello! Gem here climbing out of her fairy garden to write a short review for your poem!
I saw that this and I decided to check it out. And, I like it a lot! I loved how you moved the poem along continuously, and I can tell that you put a lot of thought into this piece. The rhymes are spot on and I appreciate them. I'm not much of a criticism reviewer, and I honestly don't see any flaws in your grammar or formatting! I loved the piece. As I said above, I don't really give out a lot of criticism, but i didn't find anything to critic either! I hope to read more of your works, if they are just as great as this was. Honestly, I don't really have any negative things to write, because this piece is done well.
This is Gem skipping to the next review. Keep up the great work, and don't ever stop believing in yourself!!
Hello Anamel! Whatchamacallit here for another review.
This is a really interesting, expressive poem. Well done!
My first comment is that in the opening four lines, you (probably accidentally) set up the expectation that this is a rhyming poem. At the end of the second and fourth line, you have "play" and then "away". I would recommend changing one of those words so that there isn't a rhyme, so that it's not a surprise when it doesn't rhyme anywhere else.
My second comment is that while the opening two lines are very strong, the metaphor of a piano seems sort of disconnected from the rest of the poem. I personally would try to refer back to it or change the first two lines, but that's up to you.
My third comment is about the lines quoted below. There's nothing wrong with them (on the contrary, I think the imagery is very strong and they flow nicely), it's just that to me they seem to disagree with the opening line about the piano. To me they conjure the image of a village, with not much technology (keeping yourself occupied with stones and shells?), and perhaps set in the past. To me that doesn't really sit well with the idea of a piano. But again, if it works for you, then of course that's fine.
My last comment is about the closing line. I think it's really strong; it references (I believe) back to the piano with a "sweet song"; however, in the opening line it says "I can hear the melody", whereas the last line states that it's "walled from the call of a sweet song". I don't think that they necessarily need to be made to agree, but perhaps an explanation of why the melody is silenced would be interesting.
All in all, your language is beautiful, and your imagery is intriguing. I couldn't find any obvious spelling or grammar mistakes. Mostly I think you just need to connect things a little better throughout the poem. But overall, a great poem!
I hope this review was helpful and everything made sense. If you have any questions, please ask.
Keep writing!
Whatchamacallit
Thank you, I didn't intend to rhyme anything I just write whatever pops into mind
Your welcome! Of course, poetry definitely doesn't have to rhyme!
Wow! No reaction to a change of season at all? Brought to my mind Antarctica where the scenery changes very little despite the changes of seasons.
It also brings to my mind persons who seem to be frozen in time and their personalities seem impervious to all things they experienced. Seem mummified.
I was gone for a long time from contact with certain family members and thy were exactly as I had left them, No wisdom had been gained at all. Some old geezers reach advanced ages and are still looking to throw hands with someone for no good reason.
Sad in a way, Frustrating as hell since you expect some type of wisdom to be gained. So this poem brought that phenomenon to my mind. In short, I derived an extended metaphor from the poem.
Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
That's an interesting thought to bring the table, it is sad that many people can go through life with never changing themself or gaining anything new.
I equated Personality with landscape in this case. Sometimes we see similarities like that when reading poems. Actually, sometimes out subconscious might be referring to such things without our consciously being aware of it as well. Robert Frosts Standing by the Road on a Winters Eve, I think it's called, is often mentioned as an example of this phenomenon.
that's true, I've began to realize when I write suddenly it's often coming from my subconscious
Loved the poem. Odd time to write about winter though lol.
Keep writing!
XP
haha yeah it's really hot and horrible where I live, I guess winter here more resembles a time where things are supposed to die and fall apart yet the people and the earth are so dead and numb already that nothing changes