The future looms, shaded by unpeeled eyes
and because of it, I have learned to stalk adversity.
I have learned to know before the knowing happens,
and because of it, I am envious of my past self.
There comes a time when the master cannot fight
and the adept is broken and has exhausted all hope,
stranded in a land where buzzards pick apart the dead.
A warrior comes with advice to the enlightened man,
“what doesn’t scare you is not worth the hunt.”
Yet armor and a spear can only defend you so much,
soon your ego will wear defeat as its only namesake.
All that is left to you is a shattered spirit,
and a body bleeding from numerous wounds.
Young or old, weak or strong, fate is out of human control;
and the warrior can only fight what is physical and real.
One day there will come an unavoidable time in your life,
Where you can’t struggle, can’t run, can’t hide or fight
and a warm blue sky can bear a red sun in an instant.
One day there will come a time when there is only one choice,
to stand high and tall, yet not to move, and to feed your spirit with hope.
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139,362 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Okay. Your description on this is honestly so relatable. I feel you. I don't like writing the descriptions either. Anyways. Onto the piece!
I won't pretend to understand this incredible piece. I'm still trying to work around all the lovely language to assign meaning to it yet. (This is a good thing.) Lines 3 and 9 gave me chills.
A couple grammatical things: when you say the adept is broken, I feel like your subject and verb don't agree. I think it should be the adept are broken and have exhausted all hope. It just sounds more right.
Also: I don't think you need the semicolon at the end of the first line of the third stanza. You have "and" after it, which is a conjunction, so you only need one. Either the semicolon or the word and.
Overall: lovely poem. I am in awe of the way you write and the impeccable poeticness of it. You seem to have a very conscious sense of word choice, and I applaud you.
Hi Anamel! Whatchamacallit here for a review.
This is a really interesting poem! I like the message it's sending.
To start my review:
Below is a spoiler of grammar, spelling, and wording suggestions.
Spoiler
The future looms, shaded by unpeeled eyes -> I feel like "unopened" or "lidded" is maybe more what you're going for?
and because of it, I have learned to stalk adversity. -> I'm not exactly sure why this has taught you to stalk adversity? maybe expand on the idea?
I have learned to know before the knowing happens,
and because of it, I am envious of my past self.
There comes a time when the master cannot fight -> what is meant here by master? I believe you mean someone who is skilled at fighting? Maybe it's just me, but this is a bit ambiguous. I would try something like "the skilled" or "the strong".
and the adept is left hopeless and has exhausted all hope, -> try not to repeat "hope"/"hopeless" in the same line.
stranded in a land where buzzards pick apart the dead.
A warrior comes with advice to the enlightened man,
“what doesn’t scare you is not worth the hunt.” -> maybe make a couple lines further explaining this quote?
Yet armor and a spear can only defend you so much,
soon your ego will wear defeat as its only namesake. -> nice imagery!
All that is left to you is a shattered spirit,
and a body bleeding from numerous wounds.
Young or old, weak or strong, fate is out of human control;
and the warrior can only fight what is physical and real. -> I would personally replace "real" with "tangible", or something along that line.
One day there will come an unavoidable time in your life,
Where you can’t struggle, can’t run, can’t hide or fight ->add comma at end of line
and a warm blue sky can bear a red sun in an instant.
One day there will come a time when there is only one choice,
to stand high and tall, yet not to move, and to feed your spirit with hope. -> "high" feels like the wrong word. Maybe something like "resolute" or "unwavering"?
Below is one more spoiler regarding a couple lines that I would personally make bigger changes to.
Spoiler
Young or old, weak or strong, fate is out of human control;
I would change to Whether young and strong, old and weak, fate is out of control; because I personally think it flows better, but that is up to you.
One day there will come an unavoidable time in your life,
This line is a bit repetitive. Consider cutting out "One day", or changing to something along the lines of: Eventually you will reach an unavoidable moment. Again, this change is totally up to you.
All in all, your imagery is wonderful, you have a varied vocabulary, and your message is good. I hope to read more of your poetry in the future!
If you have an questions about my review, please let me know. I hope you found it helpful.
Whatchamacallit.
oops I didn't even notice the hope thing, thanks
27 Reviews
Points: 2152
Reviews: 27
DonateTue Apr 07, 2020 12:46 am
Alfonso22 says...
Beautiful poem which focuses on the inevitable weakening of the human body due to age and infirmity and the urgent need to face that situation with the spirit of a warrior. I like how the blue placid sky suddenly marred by an angry red sun is used to convey how unpredictably increases as we grow frail and our situation can suddenly worsen drastically. My favorite lines were:
The future looms, shaded by unpeeled eyes
.... soon your ego will wear defeat as its only namesake.
and a warm blue sky can bear a red sun in an instant
Thanks for sharing this masterpiece.
Beautiful poem which focuses on the inevitable weakening of the human body due to age and infirmity and the urgent need to face that situation with the spirit of a warrior. I like how the blue placid sky suddenly marred by an angry red sun is used to convey how unpredictably increases as we grow frail and our situation can suddenly worsen drastically. My favorite lines were:
The future looms, shaded by unpeeled eyes
.... soon your ego will wear defeat as its only namesake.
and a warm blue sky can bear a red sun in an instant
Thanks for sharing this masterpiece.
Thank you for the support!