Young Writers Society

Hi there, mordax here! Let's get started.

First off and foremost, I loved this poem! It was beautifully worded and decadent to read. That being said, here are my few critiques:

Grammar:

our meeting an coincidence

This should be "a coincidence"

poor crazy scrapes pennies

This should be "crazy scrape" as the "crazy" I assume is meant as a noun and is singular.

Grimy, abandoned, let me remind you the coin needs no shining

Perhaps you intentionally worded this line this way, but to be grammatically correct, I believe it should be "Grimy and abandoned, but let me remind you...". The way it is now feels awkward to read because it is formatted as though there will be more adjectives listed after "abandoned".

Other:

It was rest WITHOUT respite, ravaging hunger, WITH NO need to feed--

This critique is entirely opinion based and you can completely ignore it, but the all caps on "without" and "with no" felt a bit misplaced. While reading, the flow felt disrupted as I screamed those words in my head rather than reading them normally, and perhaps that was intentional, but it felt rather odd and I couldn't quite place a finger to why these words were so important to be in all caps. I think that the line would be more impactful with them normal.

Other than this, I loved your poem! I appreciated the switching of subjects, from "we" to "I" to "you" then back to "we" then "I" then "you". It was repeating itself and I loved it and the story it took me on.

I love the imagery you utilize. It is vivid and beautifully written, so go you!

Overall, you are a wonderful writer and keep up the good work!

mordax

Hello there!

Hope your day/night’s lovely <3

I wanted to leave a review because, first and foremost, I’m attracted to your writing style. Right off the bat, it is sown with enticing imagery and allusions. With that said, however, the most distinct issue is that they were phrased a bit vaguely, which might come off with a message that isn’t intended. The narrator seemed to be teetering around the poem —going a bit tangent oftentimes, or even contradicts his/her own stand. Sorry if that’s confusing to understand but I’ll explain it further by giving critiques following the sequence of the poem (or an attempt to, because the stanzas are interwoven with each other).

Well, what’s better to start with than the title? Maybe it’s just me but the connection between the title and the actual poem is there but I think you haven’t extracted its full potential. The only thing linking them is that they used to have a close bond -- like they could fit together. But there’s so many other nuances or complexities you could add to that. You could subvert our expectation by revealing that they are two halves of a different whole or that they seem to fit only at first, but eventually they actually don’t. Or if they are of the same whole, who’s got the bigger half?

I’m not suggesting you explicitly put it outright since almost everything here is hidden in some sort of imagery but you could slightly hint it by a bit of compare and contrast. If you could show us their compatibility and chemistry (or lack thereof). You’ve added lines like “We were the double sided, two hearted gods and you've forgotten” but never really expounded on that idea.

Now for the first stanza:

This is essentially focused on spontaneity when you allude them to something similar to the Big Bang. Frankly, the red wire is incomparable to the Big bang, it’s like comparing a four course meal to a grain of salt, especially because red wires are merely secondary wires. Or was it because of the symbolism? Courage, vigour, and driving passion?

That’s fair, but if you started off with something related to space and the universe, then I think the poem becomes more consistent and connected. You could say that if it’s somehow to emulate “sparks of love” through electricity, you could write about something related to charged electrons and ions and their interaction through the magnetic field of the sun (in a more poetic way of course. And I’m not that smart if you think I thought of that out of the blue, it was through research). But that’s just my take on the imagery’s consistency.

In the same line with “red wire” I like that you listed two concrete things then an abstract one. It implies that this Feeling is polysemic; that it encompasses a wide range of concepts, including another feeling. Long story short, it becomes a repertoire of the tangible and intangible. However, I don’t think the word ‘pain’ is the right word for this, unless both of them are masochists. From what I can see, the narrator is extremely frustrated that this ‘you’ had completely turned away from whatever they had. And at this point, she’s trying to express how much he had lost because whatever they had was something special (even if realistically it might not). So shouldn’t every description related to this Feeling have a positive connotation and/or denotation?

I genuinely think that throughout the poem, there’s so many conflicting standpoints such as this one. It’s as if whoever the narrator “is,” isn’t fully established. I noticed that there’s this abrupt shift of perspective between this fictional narrator and what you (the writer) see this feeling as, hence the conflict and confusion. Predominantly, there’s more bad than good in the description (so I don’t know which one you really want to focus on or what’s the stand of the narrator) but it contradicts some of the lines in the 2nd stanza, 5th stanza, and the last line.

Here are the others (throughout the poem):

There's no justification for that all embracing Feeling.

It’s quite out of character for this narrator to say that because when she/he’s been supposedly justifying it (telling this “you” that they can’t live in monotony, the intrigue in the inexhaustible burn of that feeling, the narrator was the hero…). Rationally and realistically, there’s none of course, but she/he shouldn’t be admitting that.

Pretending not to watch in pity as the poor, poor crazy scrapes pennies

This is quite fine actually because the narrator’s assuming what this ‘you’ thinks of him/her but I’m not quite sure if you should simply leave it off like this. Leaving it off, seems like a sign of surrender -- as if the narrator had completely accepted the fact that she/he is insane. Despite that, you’ve suddenly reverted back to the narrator’s previous notion (justification of his/her existence and importance and the chase for this Feeling) in the subsequent stanza. So him/her becomes assertive once again. If you want the narrator to continue that path, then you should add more to this quote ^ ^ Perhaps frustration? (e.g. why do you look at me with pity when I am in sheer bliss, untainted and restrained)

Wrapped up in that cold sheet of the morgue, shoved in its box of expectation

The narrator’s supposedly persuading this “you” to come back but with this kind of description, there’s no way this “you” would. You could use this description if you want the narrator to deter this “you” (im sorry if this is confusing) from going to the Logical side (the morgue has a similar ambience to factories/smokes aka the industrial drone). Moreover, the phrase before this is “out of spite” which means to harm someone not to be harmed. It’s a bit conflicting to the prior stanza and the overall premise of this poem.

I need to remind you but like novels, especially since this is in the first pov, you must write in character. It must follow the flow of his/her personality and opinion. If you want to showcase how toxic this “Feeling” is, then show the irony of the situation and the narrator’s denial. Don’t let him/her admit the pain but make him/her recall something painful (e.g. we were shocked by the spark that paralysed us for days, but isn’t it exhilarating? The feeling renders our life vigorous--an escapade inside our limp bodies) >>> i did not attempt to make it poetic by the way. It's just an example appropriate to the context of the poem >>not wanting monotony and stuff.

Moving on (although still in the first stanza), this is more on the positive side haha. I like that you called it Feeling instead Emotions because it’s more internal (mind) rather than physical (body). It is subjective, meaning they could’ve the same emotion but perceive a different feeling. The capitalisation not only shows how vital it is in the poem (that it could even be considered a character in itself) but also hints how much impact it has. Not only that but feelings are usually tentative, which somehow parallels the relationship between the halves.

Having said that, I just have a minor issue. I think “seeing” is more appropriate than hearing because your description prior to this is “bright” or “pain” which has no connection to the sense of hearing. Or if that line is more important than the other two, you could change those descriptions instead. It is still up to you.

We were rovers tossed in the fire, cooled in shadowy figures

We knew no monotony, our bodies weren’t built for the industrial drone

This is appropriate for this poem, but definitely not on this stanza. This stanza is more focused on the exploration of this Feeling not on their relationship.

I’ve noticed that this poem is written a bit haphazardly. The structure isn’t coherent and I’m aware that you’d usually find that word when writing an essay but it’s still vital in poetry. Yes this is fiction, there is no gatekeeping in writing styles and storytelling. They could be experimented but I’m talking about the overall thought. The focus and the theme per stanza so that each of them have a solid ground they could hold on.

This is most evident in the third stanza. It doesn’t know which to orbit around, whether it’s logic or feeling and that’s probly why the message may not be what you want to relay. I’ll be trying to dissect each line and you could have a look if this is actually what you’re trying to say

Spoiler

Our conversation is inconsequential, our meeting an coincidence
Logic is quick to punish that crumb of hope, it reprimands that Feeling, >> logic
It reduces me to nothing more, in your eyes, a lunatic off the street. >> logic
It is a Cannibal Star, the way it pulls you close, dizzy with lust >>> logic with the exemption of lust
All the while it pulsates when you sleep; pulls its panting puppy by the leash >> feeling
The warbling of the cyclic machine fades, your eyes trailing to skyscrapers >>leaning towards feeling because of the word fade
Pretending not to watch in pity as the poor, poor crazy scrapes pennies
You secretly wish this magician to pull your dreams by the tail, >> feeling
Behind your ear, force feed you joy unbridled, creation with no preaching. >>> feeling

The first line is such a beautiful line but it just seems out of place in the whole narrative. You’ve given the implication that they’ve had quite a strong relationship before the other one just completely left. Maybe you could say, became inconsequential so that it implies that after their bond, it’s as if nothing happened i guess.

2nd line - > Logic was never explained and if this was a novel, I would’ve classified this as a character for “plot convenience.” It was merely vital to keep the narrator out from this “you,” but then this “you” somehow reverts back to a precarious and decadent (hedonistic) lifestyle [seen in the last two lines]; logic seemed to only appear as a temporary fear and is sidelined --even thrown away-- like it never existed.

The third and fourth line needs pronoun consistency because the it from each line seems to describe different concepts -- or that is if you consider the phrase “dizzy with lust.” That phrase identifies itself in the Feeling realm not logic. I honestly prefer if this was removed and that this Cannibal star is pertaining to logic.

I just really love how perfect the Cannibal Star is as a representation of Logic (thank you btw, if i hadn’t found your poem i wouldn’t have research or known this) because it will eat away this ostensibly irrational feeling in order to prevail. The only way Logic could exist is when you choose reason over these “silly emotions.” That’s how Sherlock Holmes thrived.

I’m quite certain you know this but the Cannibal star is also one of the fastest spinning pulsars and that could allude to how incessantly insisting Logic is. That it will always be at the back of your mind, telling you what should be done. Logic is quite similar to conscience honestly so yea *fangirling*

You have great allusions and that there seems to be this continuous space theme (big bang >> cannibal star). Frankly, it would be better if you’ve revolved all your imagery on that (like from what I’ve previously said regarding red wire. Besides the electrons and ions, you could say supernova or smth) but that’s all on you.

“All the while it pulsates…” >> Now this evokes the idea of adrenaline, which is more on the feeling side.

“The warbling of the cyclic machine fades” >> shouldn’t it have faded long ago because you both don’t live in monotony? If it’s only fading now, then that means they’re letting themselves be fully controlled by the Feeling in this moment? Actually, if this was mentioned at this point shouldn’t it start running again because this “you” is entering the monotonous life of Logic?

In my opinion, logic would be better explored here because Feeling already had its spotlight in the first stanza.

Also, my tip so that you wouldn’t be confused on which line fits what and to have a clearer message or just the general concept on what you should focus on, you should make a short outline. For example (this is based on your poem)

I. Exploration of Feeling
II. The memorable experiences they have in pursuit of feeling/compare and contrast the two halves in tribute to the title
III. What Logic Did
IV Justification of feeling
V. How vital the narrator’s role is
VI. The one liner.

I’ve skipped the second stanza so let’s go back to that,

“I’m a means of speech”

this is powerful. It asserts how important the narrator is to this “you”. That she/he could translate the unknown feelings this “you” had because she/he has been so immersed in this “Feeling” longer than he had?

I do not see, however, what its connection with the washing machine is. Although it sounds pleasant to verbalise, it came out of the blue. I even tried listing down all I could think of that would potentially connect it with the first phrase (e.g. machinery-->industrial drone + monotony, cleaning -->cleanse away self indulgence, and continuous spinning -->chasing around feeling is perpetual) but there’s the word “leaning” so I ended up giving up because my conclusion might just turn out into a massive stretch. It does connect with the subsequent line but it still needs repair. I recommend separating them into 2 stanzas and expounding more on what you started. You started with the narrator asserting himself/herself in this “you’s” narrative; that this “you” shouldn’t simply leave nor forget him/her because he/she had done so much things he might never be able to do alone

Next: I like that logic isn’t capitalised when other abstract concepts are. It shows the narrator’s defiance or contempt towards its existence. Very great detail there — if I could call it that. I started doubting if it was intentional because in stanza 3, Logic was capitalised.

Moreover, I know that capitalisation is a stylistic choice and you’ve utilised that by capitalising words not often capitalised. Having said that, I think it loses its profound power and impact when the first letter of every first word in each line ( that’s mouthful sorry) is capitalised. I suggest rechecking your work and carefully choose which words to capitalise so that it’d look more intentional than accidental.

Deeper than the bounds of the abyss, unknown in an expanse of ocean

^ this line is a wee bit weird. Are you describing a “burn” as deeper and unknown in an expanse of ocean? I understand that some volcanoes inhabit under the ocean but the phrasing still comes a bit off. Are you pertaining to the Feeling itself? If so, you’ve got to work on your syntax in the line before this because for now, “inexhaustible burn” is your subject.

I don’t understand what you’re trying to convey in the last line. Starting off with “It was rest without respite,”

In the dictionary, respite is “a short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant.”
Which is simply rest. Yes, there may be a variation but it’s still rest. So if we try to replace this definition with the word respite, you’re simply trying to say, “it was rest without rest before an unfortunate incident,” which can make sense but I just don’t think it works for the message of this poem.

In the second one, the person narrating (with this “you”) is the one experiencing ravaging hunger so are you trying to say that they may feel hungry but being fed isn’t necessary? It’s just a continuous chase of an “elating” desire? >>this is what I assume you’re trying to relay in this line. If that’s so, I think it should be phrased as “WITH NO need to be fed”

I know that my critique seems to be insensitive with the assonance at play in this line but that’s the thing. It may sound real good, but through analysis (or even simple comprehension), it doesn’t make any sense. It starts to look more forced and poetry is all about being intentional in the most natural yet creative way as possible. That sounds complicated, but it’s really not. Poetry is just intricate and that’s why I love it.

I’ve already pointed out all my issues in the fourth stanza somewhere here so let’s head to the fifth one.

The “I’m a means of speech” feels at home in this stanza because you're asserting your worth. I don’t exactly have any issue here and it’s more of a suggestion. In Spoken word poetry or prose-y poems one can use this stanza as the driving home one before the homerun (your last stanza). It would be best if you’ve mentioned this in previous stanzas (you could group it with the i'm a means of speech one) so that when the narrator says this, it becomes a repetition that punches the gut. To show that everything she/he did was really for this “you.” If that makes sense.

To breathe remembrance in a skewed urban hell, to elope

^ I think you mean “heaven/bliss/escape” instead of remembrance because why would this “you” even follow that feeling if it recalls all the horrible things?

For the sixth line:
The word chosen is a bit amiss, in spite being quite a profound word because it shows how this “you” voluntarily did it. One can never choose to forget something, unless you mean “pretend”?

Either you change the word “chosen” or “forget.” In the latter’s case, you could change it to something like “leave.”

What I like about this line is the change of writing style. Instead of beating around the bush, you went ahead and said it. The italics even evokes this sense of frustration, i just love it. Furthermore the change of style can be associated with the Feeling and its nature of changing.

Lastly,
6
6
9 >a form of tipping point in the poem or the climax but (like i said) as of now you have to choose what you want its focal point to be
6
3 > add 3 more
1
^^ These are the number of lines you have per stanza. I know that free verse and experimental poetry exists, but you can see that there’s an obvious pattern in yours so I think you should push through with its consistency. The one with only 3 lines looked more accidental than intentional so you either format it as if the number of lines decreases as a reader progresses through the poem or just add 3 more lines for the second to the last stanza. I prefer the latter, ngl, because it accentuates the sudden shift from so many lines to just one. It suggests just how frustrated she/he is with the situation that she/he just ends it like that -- like she/he’s just over it.

All in all, it has its downsides >> on the transition, POV/character perspective, and the coherency, but it also has its upsides >> enticing imagery -- good play of words, not on the nose. Oh my goodness, I hope I wasn’t too harsh with this review, If I am, I want to say sorry in advance. Remember that this is still your poem so take what you want from this <3 Please don’t stop writing! You have a lot of potential, your imagery is wonderful, and I’m looking forward to what you could come up next <3

SENDING LOVE, Kattee